A few weeks ago, I was in Edinburgh museum studying the antique bagpipes when there was a bit of a kerfuffle at the main desk and suddenly a familiar figure burst through the crowd nursing a drink:
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“Sho-o-o Mr-rR X-trReme…!” exclaimed former James Bond and national icon Sean Connery, “…ye finally dragged your Sassenach backside north of the borderR did ye?” he drawled in his thick yet blurred Scottish accent. Incidentally it wasn’t blurred because of the drink, the grim truth is that in his native Scotland Connery dispenses with the fake English tinge he uses for the movies.
Turning to the startled assistant at the desk he loudly proclaimed:
“Look at this fellow MisSh MoneyepenNaYY !” Acting all sShuave and sShopisticated like he’s going to be chosen as the next Bond for GoodnesSh sShake!”
At this point I have to admit I hadn’t recognised the renowned star, and neither unfortunately had the desk assistant.
“Ay’m sowrry sirR, ma’e name isna’e Moneypenny it’s Gwweneth McTavish if ye please!” she retorted tartly 
“Listen here Xt-rReme”, demanded Connery, “I’ll no be havin’ the likes of ye replaysShin’ me, everyone knows there’s only wwun trueww Bond and it’s none other than me, the r-Redoubtable sShean Cawnnery”
“Look Shane..” I said “ I have no intention of replacing anything of yours but if you want advice on bonds I know a very good finance guy in the City…”
“It’shh MishterR Connery ta’e you, ye arrogant English b^$hT**d!!” he spluttered ( I think by now the drink might have taken some effect) dinn’ae think ye can replaaysShhe ma’ sShcottishh charm with yer sSh-h-limy EnglisShh manners….!”
At this point he was tottering a bit so I tried to re-assure him
“Look Mr Connelly, I really don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about so why don’t I call you a cab and let’s get you home on the err..farm or wherever it is you live.?”
“ahh Xshtrem-o-o” he slurred ..”yer ma’ besShtest friend” and promptly keeled over flat on his back and started snoring loudly. 
Anyway, the cab driver arrived pretty promptly and when I slipped him a tenner in English currency he seemed happy enough.
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“Ah’ll get the wee lad home..” he chirped happily, “ I dinn’ae know how many time ah’ve told ‘im, son ye cann’ae hold yer drink so stay at home and help yer ma’ wit the washin’ up ye lazy good fer nuthin’
At this point, two smartly dressed business men stepped forward and introduced themselves:
“Good day Mr Xtreme, we represent Bond Studios and have been instructed to offer you ‘name your own price’ contract to play the new James Bond in the coming release “The Spy who Bugged Me opposite Liz Hurley and Famke Janssen as the twin Femme Fatales”
“Ok,” I said,” but tell them to keep their hands to themselves off the set, it’ll be strictly business only.”
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A nice trend you’re starting, posting your fantasies. This’ll really fly in the Corner.
