Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped”.
His buddy said “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she’ll probably be thrilled”. So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy said “Well? Did you take my suggestion?” - “Yes, I did” said the fellow. “Did she like it?” His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
"The old guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When
you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t stand another minute of it. At the restaurant, he secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression, and said “I have bad news. My grandmother just died so I have to leave.”
“Thank heavens for that” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t died, mine would have had to.”
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” “Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!”
Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She won’t believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.
I think an affair will bring us closer.
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that - it didn’t work.”