Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

[Deeba1234]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

So I wanted to share my rishta story with you in hopes of getting some advice. I have a proposal from a guy who was born and raised in the US, large business background, family lives in New Delhi, India and he frequently visits as well. He went to HS there also and spent some years of his childhood there as well. I was born and raised in the US as well, although my background is Pakistani. The Indian/Pakistani thing doesn't bother me or my family. We've been talking for about 2 months now, the families are involved as well, and so far he appears to be a really nice guy and someone that I can see spending the rest of my life with. The thing is, everyone from my extended family who knows about the rishta keeps telling me "beware of those Delhi walay" (not to offend anyone here who is from there), I keep ignoring what they're saying but now my mom is getting a bit wary of the "Delhi walay" thing too. I know it's not right to stereotype people, but i'm getting a bit worried now because this is the rest of my life we're talking about.

There are a few things i've noticed about this guy and his family also: mom seems to be head of the household, the main decision maker (my aunts saying this is a Delhi thing), guy is very VERY attached to his sister (she's a year younger than I, unmarried, and seems really..chalak), mom brags a lot about her financial well being (guy has never acted that way), and guy has told me he would prefer if I didn't work after marriage. Now all these things by themselves are not dealbreakers for me, but..should I be more worried about this stuff?

And should I be worried about this Delhi walay stuff I keep hearing? (I am really sorry again if anyone on here is from Delhi, I really don't mean to be offensive). Is there a difference between Indian and Pakistani men, if they were raised in the US?

This sort of thing is common in our families.. I don't think it's more likely in people from Delhi..

Personal compatibility and practical things which impact your relationship + your day to day life such as where you'll be living and whether you'll work after marriage need to be ironed out..

[EngrFatima]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

Have you done istakhara?.. If you havent, do it now, and just follow your heart after that.. The meaning of the istakhara dua is something like this, Allah if this is good for me, bring it close, and if it is not then take it away from me.. After completion of the istakhara just leave everything to Allah and follow your heart..

[EngrFatima]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

Theres another thing you need to remember. No relationship is perfect, and everything will not be exactly the way you want it.. U will have many compromises to make on your part, and patience is a very big virtue.. Understand and support him, and love his family as you would love your own family.. But at the same time dont lower yourself so much that they think they can use you in whatever way they want..

[annie718]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

What is his reason for him not wanting you to work? Are you okay with these things you've noticed? It may seem small but you should try and picture what their day to day lifestyle is like compared to your family's. in theory it's fine but to live in it something different. Not to like scare you but I think you should take some more time talking. I have no idea about the Delhi walay thing.

His reason is that he is very well off financially so he sees no reason for me to work as well. He'd rather I give time to our own family. Although, I talked with him about this again more recently and now he said he wouldn't mind me working as long as the hours are decent. So it seems like he's trying to compromise, which is a good thing (right?). He said this after I told him that I wanted to keep the option of working after marriage open. I may not work after marriage or I may work, but I want that decision to be mine. Seemed like he was trying to be more flexible about it after hearing this.

[annie718]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

No, the dehli wale thing doesnt even make any sense. The other issues like mom's asserting and shallow behaviour and the boy's undue attachment with his sister (if it seems extra ordinary to you) is something that would worry me. So, like in any such consequences one should prudently do, may be you would like to take some more time and read the boy and his family more, since in your own words, its your future your talking about. do not in anyway fall prey to such silly and negative thoughts like dehli wala or faisal adab wala. good and bad people exist anywhere. its really unethical to tag and judge people this way. btw, from what I have heard of dehli wale is that thy are more refined and have more mastery over manners and language and ettiquets.

That's true. I think taking more time and getting to know him is a good idea. Although we're really getting pushed to make a decision from his side. His mom said she would like to get our baat pakki by June. So I guess I have 5 more months to decide.

[annie718]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

@aramis

have you done ISTIKHARA (proper one that u do yourself as taught by Prophet)??????? that is the answer n solution to your confusion

Yes, I am doing istikhara as well. I am trying to decide between this guy and another rishta, and so far I keep leaning towards this one. InshAllah whatever is best will happen.

[annie718]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

@dosa_chick

agree with khalil...100%.... marriage is about compromise, respect, and patience in good and bad times.

I am married in an Indian muslim family(by my choice) and that too from south india. North indian are generally much similar to pakistanis than south indians. There will always be few things here and there that may not seem 100% ideal but if pros outweigh cons then they can be ignored.

There is no such thing as dehli wale, that is just family thing, there are aunty type of MILS who would like to show off material well being and all, tu as long as she is not comparing your family and her directly tu there is no harm in her yapping about it. My MIL is like that too :)

Indian I find generally are a bit different, they are more open minded, and depends on family, more cultured in some ways(I am waiting for stones to be thrown at me from guppans) most of the indian muslim families I know from north or south are livable, less show offy than pakistanis and civilized.

The only thing concerning for me would be why he doesnt want you to work afterwards, do you want to?? wagerah..

One important thing to remember is that if you end up getting married to this guy you should try to strengthen your relationship with him(primary) and his family(secondary) and not be bothered by he has a strong relationship with his sister etc. Also guys who have seen there mothers as head of household dont mind (in most cases) their own wife as a decision maker in their immediate family in future. But this MIL looking like agge agge and head of everything could be a facade too, my FIL does this with my MIL, and my MIL end up being the bad one during negative situations, lakin behind the scene it is all my FIL who puppets everyone around LOLZZZZZ :):)

Also being attached to ones family could be a good sign, it mean he really take his relationships seriously and take care of them, might work in your favor. I have seen guys here in north america who are not very close to their biological families and they end up having the same attitude towards wife after shadi, just my observation.

good luck...BTW to clarify my background I was raised in canada, and my hubby moved here after high school, his parents and most of his family still lives in india and they visit frequently.

Of all the responses, yours helped me the most. Thanks alot for your detailed post. I agree with everything you said about the subtle differences i've noticed so far between the families. Much more manners, respectful way of talking etc. And what you said about your MIL being a bit show offy, that's how his mom is too. They are very well set financially and have large businesses in NYC and India. We on the other hand are just a normal middle class family. His money really doesn't matter to me though, I'm just hoping he's a good person. Time will tell iA. Doing istikhara as well and so far I keep leaning towards him more and more. And I agree with what you said about him being attached to his family could be a good thing, my mom thinks the same. In the end I guess we just have to keep in mind that nobody's perfect. His mom and sister aren't ideal, but mom spends majority of her time in India. He plans to live in NYC. He's a pretty balanced guy, he's close to his religion but at the same time knows how to have fun. That's something that's quite difficult to find here in the US.
Anyway, inshAllah whatever is best, happens.

[CEO1]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

I would say listen to your gut.

All this 'delhi walay are no good' is the equivalence of the narrow mindset of us desis. I'm sure the Delhi walay would probably say the same thing about Pakistanis.

Take your time and listen to how you feel. Good Luck.

[the_paindoo]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

Don't know what is it about Delhi wala that they are scaring you about. What exactly is it that the Delhi Walas do or act that, one has to be weary of ?

However from the post one observation. His Mother In Law is the Head of the family. His Sister, who he is close to and also "chalaaak" by your standards is right now number 2 in the hierarchy. So how comfortable are you joining the family being number 3 ?

[Blacklisted_Prince]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

@aramis

have you done ISTIKHARA (proper one that u do yourself as taught by Prophet)??? that is the answer n solution to your confusion

.
The best advice in any case one can give :k:

[NaMaan]

Re: Marrying into an Indian Muslim Family

It all boils down to which cricket team you’ll support … And it better be Pakistan otherwise you are dead to us

[Hassan007]

If this proposal making you doubtful why even bother?