I’m considering marrying lady doctor. We have known each other for about two months. We connected through an online matrimonial website. She is in 2nd year of med school. She is in a podiatry school in east coast and lives about 2 hours away from me. I was asking her about her future plans. She has told me that she would like to be married next year in the summer. She will be able to move in with me, hypothetically speaking, next year in winter. Her clinical rotations will start after winter next year which she has explained to me that she would be able to do in my hometown. So from her 2nd semester junior year to 4th year of med school, she would be able to live with me. Then she will apply for residency. It is unclear where she will end up. She has told me that there are a lot of opportunities in the east coast and she should be able to finish her residency in a hospital near me. If she does not get into a residency program in my area, she will be able to transfer after a year into a program near where I live. She plans to go into foot surgery. She has told me that foot surgeons typically work normal hours.
On my side, I’m a working professional. I’m currently pursuing a masters degree part time. It’s an online program and is very flexible. I will graduate in spring next year and will have a lot of time to enjoy life. I’m considering switching jobs in winter next year. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find a job in the area where I’m currently living in. I have tried looking in my current metropolitan area but the jobs are not that great and are also in different industry. I’m in aerospace. I will probably have to relocate from my current city for better opportunities but prefer not to.
My life situation is fairly dynamic right now but it will settle down by next year. There are a lot of unknowns attached to this rishta. My parents and friends have warned me that it is a very long path and I may not be happy after a few years into the marriage with the distance. If she lives away from me after marriage, things can become difficult. She may also decide to quit this career in the middle. Life changes rapidly and not everything goes as planned.
She will not be done until at least 5.5 years from now. I’m willing to make sacrifices but the delay puts me off. If we decide to marry each other, I will be entering into this marriage without any debt but she will have to work to pay off her student loans after her formal education. She plans to work part-time after everything settles down and that I’m ok with it.
She is a nice and beautiful girl. She is very much interested in me and is pursuing me more than I’m pursuing her. She appears to be driven and smart. I don’t know too much about the medical field. I’m conflicted and having a very hard time deciding what to do. Her parents have been asking my parents to visit them in person.
I think you need to think long and hard about this.
5.5 years is a lot of time and then again it isn't. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think its that big of a deal BUT stress can damage relationships in ways nothing else can.
By the way, girls don't usually go through all that trouble in the US and then quit their education in the middle. She will probably pursue this until she's done and you need to make up your mind about whether you can be a supportive partner or not until that time is up.
As the poster above me wrote, there are too many uncertainties in this situation for BOTH of you.
So her medical school is 2 hours from where you live? If she moved in with you after marriage, how will she commute to school?
How can she be so sure that she will be able to do clinical rotations in your hometown? Unless this has already been arranged for sure…there are no guarantees.
She says she “should be able to” get residency near you…if she doesn’t, then she “will be able to transfer”. Again, all things are up in the air. Often life doesn’t go as planned. So if she doesn’t get residency near you and if she cannot get a transfer…what happens then?
If you marry this girl, she moves to YOUR current city…and then you find a great job in another city…then what?! You’re back to living separately for several years! In my opinion, YOU need to get settled with your job situation first. Whether you marry a woman who will be in school for several years or a woman that has a regular job, your own job has too much uncertainties regarding location. This has the potential to cause a lot of tension/drama. You’re only 26. Finish your masters, find a job, and figure out which city you’re going to living in for the near future. THEN find a girl for whom that location works.
Another thing YOU must keep in mind…once a woman becomes sexually active, there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy. So if this woman gets pregnant while she’s in medical school or going residency, then what? Will you have family nearby to help take care of the baby or do YOU make enough money to afford daycare/nanny? Depending on the city you live in, this can be VERY expensive. If she drops out of school/residency, then how is she going to repay her loans since you are not willing to pay it off?
There are no guarantees in a marriage and we cannot plan out every detail. However, its important to think through potential situations and good to have a back-up plan. Too many couples fight/end up in a unhappy marriage or end up divorced over things like finances, careers etc. You have only known this girl only for 2 months. Do not rush into this. If your friends/family are pointing out all the red flags, listen to them.
You'll have to make a lot of sacrifices job and location wise. If you both are attracted to each other, then why not? Don't let go of this rishta just because of career. She could be the mate Allah has planned for you! :) But I also agree with posters above that there are a lot of ifs and buts you have talk to her about, including children.
Lot of good advice here. Based on my own experience, these are all logistical challenges. The key thing in all of this is commitment. Don't confuse that with love. If you both are serious about careers, it will be very tough to balance those careers with family and kids. One of you has to make sacrifices. Since you cannot make that choice for her, you have to do it. Both med school and residency are hard, not just for her, but also for you, and if you have kids, on them too. Go for this ristha if,
you don't mind waiting to have kids
move, if necessary
put a hold on your career goals temporarily
fend off your family on her behalf
handle 2nd degree stress ( in addition to whatever you are going through, but then that is true in all marriages )
In our case, it was easy because I am in IT ( aerospace is a tough one! ) and am good at what I do. We had to move twice, and both times it took me just a week to land a job in the new city. Did not have kids till after she was done with residency and then had help from our parents with the kids. Guess the point I am making is, if you go with this rishta, you must be committed. No matter what you will support her in every way you can. If you don't think you can handle it, then turn it down right now and save her and yourself the hurt.
Paheli00, she has told me that after 2.5 years into med school, she does not need to be physically present for the classes. She will be doing clinical rotations in 6 different hospitals (or departments?) in the remaining 1.5 years of med school. I don't have any knowledge of med school and don't know if is possible to do.
She has been actively communicating with me day to day. Sometime it just seems a little odd to me why she is over communicating with me. I prefer to do the "chasing". But this is not a deal breaker. I do feel that she and her family are maybe rushing us and asking me when is my plan to get married. She has told me that most desi girls are usually married by the time they start residency.
I have parents that are getting old; dad is about to retire. They will eventually live with me where ever I decide to work. I can afford child care and also support parents and wife and still be able to live comfortably with my current job situation. I spend responsibly and make a decent living. Although my parents would love to help me out with childcare needs. I do not want to burden them in old age. I think they have done their share and my children should be me and my wife's responsibility.
I consider myself to be very driven and ambitious. I would not be happy if I were to quit and then not be able to find a desired job in a city.
She has told me that she wants to marry someone who lives with their family as she is also family oriented. This is the first time I'm hearing a requirement to live with in-laws from a girl and her family. This strikes me as odd. She has a very large family.
I have told her that I would like to travel to places with my wife; which would be very hard to do with her med school. We have discussed kids briefly. I have told her that I prefer kids 2 years into marriage. She will be doing residency during that time. She has told me that she is ok with this. I have asked her for expected work hours during residency. She has told me it will be 40-50 hours a week with regular hours.
I feel that if I let this rishta go, I may not end up with someone so family oriented and into me. I do feel that I might be ungrateful turning this down... Although I would like to be a sole provider, this rishta has made me think that we could live a very comfortable life together in the long run.
She is in 2nd year of med school. She is in a podiatry school in east coast and lives about 2 hours away from me.
I should have caught this earlier. Can you please clarify exactly what she's studying? Is she in medical school pursuing a M.D.? Or is she in podiatry school? A podiatrist is not a M.D. and there is a difference in the training/working hours.
I should have caught this earlier. Can you please clarify exactly what she's studying? Is she in medical school pursuing a M.D.? Or is she in podiatry school? A podiatrist is not a M.D. and there is a difference in the training/working hours.
She is becoming a D.P.M (Doctor of Podiatric Medicine). I did little bit of searching on the web, it is equivalent to a M.D degree but their training is more specialized. They get a head start with clinical rotations starting in junior year.
She is becoming a D.P.M (Doctor of Podiatric Medicine). I did little bit of searching on the web, it is equivalent to a M.D degree but their training is more specialized. They get a head start with clinical rotations starting in junior year.
Not that it actually matters but most MDs would disagree with this lol..this is like saying dentists and pharmacists are same thing as MDs because they're technically doctors also..podiatry school is not same as medical school. No disrespect but they aren't completely equivalent, the scope of the field and practice and the requirements to get in are completely different. They do play a vital role and have a very specific niche in the health care field, specifically in managing the many disorders and injuries related to the feet and ankles.
Being a Doctor in my opinion is one of the most respectable professions out there. The working patterns can be quite hectic however, so be prepared for that if your wife wishes to continue practicing.
In my opinion, YOU need to get settled with your job situation first. Whether you marry a woman who will be in school for several years or a woman that has a regular job, your own job has too much uncertainties regarding location. This has the potential to cause a lot of tension/drama. You’re only 26. Finish your masters, find a job, and figure out which city you’re going to living in for the near future. THEN find a girl for whom that location works.