i got arranged married last year and currently im living in Canada but my wife is back in Pakistan with my parents. Ever since i was a teen i was addicted to porn and i still am and i had this overwhelming fetish of having a wife more like porn star or a hot Bollywood actress. Now im a grown up man aged 30 and married but for so many odd reasons I haven?t been able to completely consummate my marriage because she?s extraordinarily religious and conservative whereas i am completely opposite. So, even when i tried I couldn?t do what normally a man do because my brain couldn?t accept such turn offs.
i have tried discussing all my psychological and emotional insecurities with my wife but all she tries to do is to console me and ask me politely to come out of it slowly by trying hard to overcome such desires and try to think like a normal healthy mind. I have such dark fetishes which are more like obsessions to have a hot, bold, seductive, provocative and sexy wife with sexy dresses who grabs attention from anywhere she passes etc.
Such overwhelming desires and fetishes turn obsessions have come to the point where im fed up with her and hardly able to give her time over the phone because no matter how hard i try she doesn?t understand the intensity of my such desires.
Before marriage i was perfectly fine physically but after getting married i stayed with my wife for three months and later i flew back to Canada and now from the past four months i am having a severe erectile dysfunction and it?s been more than 4 months I haven?t felt any erection even after trying numerous ways. im struggling to understand whats happening with me and where should i seek help. This is the reason am here to ask for serious help and suggestions.
After arranged marriages there is way too much pressure to perform right away, it is okay to take your time and establish friendship and trust. Bring her here and once she is here she may start shedding her conservatism. Islam is very liberal in a relationship bw husband and wife. Many young people take some Viagra to get over the awkward period of sex with a stranger.
Do you find her attractive otherwise and if she changed her ways in the bedroom do you think that will work. Almost every male watches porn, both here and in Pak and unless it is preventing you from doing your daily tasks it really is not an addiction and there is nothing wrong in having fantasies.
Do you drink? sometimes that relaxes the nerves a bit.
Once you get her out of the Puritanical environment and slowly and gently work on her I am sure things will workout. If she is willing to give you time than she is a keeper.
Women make emotional connections and men make physical so you will have to build that emotional bond with her first before she lets her defenses and inhibitions down.
Some couples also go to a sex therapist, you can also seek help from a married friend or relatives wife to talk to her. Sometimes no one gives the talk to girls and they just dont know what is going on..
Hello. We’re sorry you’re going through this. I’d recommend you seek professional help in the form of therapy or counseling. You’re lucky your wife is being patient with you in this time.
You need to stop watching /thinking about p*orn now. It will ruin your marriage and it has ruined marriages in the past. It’ll be hard. But you need to stay disciplined. It’s like treating any addiction like alcoholism or smoking, etc.
The reason you’re not attractive to your wife and are experiencing ED is probably because you’ve trained your mind over the years to only find certain things or types of women attractive and cannot feel anything when it’s a different type of women such as your wife. You need to realize that the stuff they show is not real, practical or something you’ll be happy with long term.
You probably don’t realize it now but your wife’s modesty and her dedication towards you is what marriage is all about. Have patience and IA she’ll be here soon and it’ll give you time to build a connection with her. She’ll start opening up and maybe you can do some intimate things with her. In the mean time you need to work on yourself and change for the better. Now is the right opportunity to come out of this and change your future.
There is no mention in your post that you have sought medical help. If you haven’t already seen a doctor, please do so.
Give your marriage a chance. You’ve only spent 3 months together with your wife and you both are currently miles apart from each other. Understand that distance tends to complicate a relationship and makes it hard to understand and support each other. I agree with the point above that women require emotional bonding. But how will that bonding take place if you’re already avoiding communication with her? You were with your wife in Pakistan and living in a joint family system (with your parents) and in such a conservative and restricted environment, how is your wife supposed to act out your fantasy of walking about in provocative clothes and “grabbing attention from wherever she passes”…? I think this would be more feasible when you both have your own independent space and are living together, however even then, it would be confined to the home. Your wife is religious and so I doubt that she will wear provocative clothes in public and that should be respected. You will have to talk to her and see how you both can reach a mutual compromise or a middle ground with the fantasies; what she can agree to and where she draws the line, etc etc.
Maybe you both can see a therapist that can help you both eliminate mental blocks as a couple. You have a choice, OP, as to how your time is used. You can use it to either feed your addiction to the point that it consumes and controls you (which it already does)…or you can use that time to develop yourself and your relationship in other ways (mentally, spiritually, etc). Emphasis on spiritually. I don’t have any experience with marriage, OP. But I do believe that the things we frequently/excessively expose our eyes and ears to do affect us internally (mentally, spiritually, etc) and in such a ghair-mahsoos, subtle way that we may not even be aware of those changes until they take control of us. You, yourself, have described your fantasies as dark. There are many kinds of darkness that we continue to fill and fill and fill ourselves with only to find ourselves at a point where we feel an emptiness inside. I hope that you are able to resolve all your issues soon.
I wonder if you tried to reduce significant weight during the run up to the wedding or dramatically changed your diet or perhaps drastically increased working out. I?ve heard those things overtime can also be a contributing factor that plummets libido.
Also do you take any sleep medication. If yes, try to get off of it and see if things improve. Do your own research and analysis before going to the doctor so you can help the doctor to help you.
As far as porn is concerned, it’s a form of cheating on one?s partner so avoid it. It hurts our partners even if they choose to stay silent. Even the hottest chick can?t compete with it in a relationship.