married muslim lady in relationship with someone

[sagittarian]

Re: married muslim lady in relationship with someone

@redvelvet

Yeah that “despite trying” part makes no sense. Has she blocked his email, phone number, etc? Is she finding the thought of doing without him so difficult. It can be hard, but it’s not impossible. We eat, pig out, gorge ourselves with food throughout the year…food that we often times don’t even need because we’re truly not that hungry…food that is detrimental for our health…but when Ramadan comes…most of us are able to not only abstain from that food but also water for 10+ hours. That analogy shows that human beings are capable adjusting/adapting/changing their habits…if they persist against the temptation and push themselves.

There’s always a halal, decent way to go about doing things …that preserves your dignity in your own eyes…in the eyes of others…makes it easier to look yourself in the mirror. If your friend’s marriage is dysfunctional beyond repair and she wants “out”…then she should get a divorce…and then proceed to start something up with another man. That’s the proper, more decent way to go about it. Generally speaking…guys…and especially Desi guys …don’t marry women who have kids of their own. Has this “other man” given her any concrete guarantee that he will leave his wife and marry her…AND…accept her children as well? As uncomfortable as it is for almost any woman to be a second wife…has this guy even even said anything about a second marriage? If not…then the guy just wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. Your friend is the icing on top of that cake, I guess. If he doesn’t want to leave his wife and wants to get all that he can out of your friend…than she’s being used. And when that reality hits her like a ton of bricks, she will feel feel very hurt, very cheap, and foolish. She should respect and value herself first…as opposed to seeking that value in another person.

When you fall “in love/crush/whatever” with someone, much of your time is spent thinking about that person…or talking to them…or meeting them etc. When you try to make a genuine effort to “move on” from that person…you have occupy those minutes with activities that have nothing to do with that person. The time (seconds/minutes/hours) …that your friend spends thinking and interacting with this guy…could be spent on other things…like her spirituality (namaz/tasbeeh/quran). Ask her when was the last time that she really set some time for ibadah and prioritized Allah before ever relation and desire…and tried connecting with Him? Having a daily spiritual component helps to bring peace of mind, it helps to keep us emotionally anchored in difficult times, it diverts our mind temporarily from worldly problems, and it starts to shift our perspective on things. The seconds/minutes/hours…that your friend spends on Romeo…can also be spent on trying to strengthen her marriage…or HER KIDS…she can use that time to bond with her kids…to give them attention in areas where her kids are weak (academic for example)…it can be spent on trying to better herself…or in some event that gives back to society, etc etc etc.

So, if she wants to get over this “other guy”…she will have to block him …and readjust/re -prioritize her schedule and how she uses her time. If she wants “out” of her marriage, then she should leave her husband before taking on another guy. Hypothetically speaking…if she were to divorce her husband…but the other guy refuses to marry her…then he’s STILL a waste of her time and she would still have to undergo the process of cutting him out from her life and moving on from him…and that would STILL entail blocking him and readjusting time/schedule/priorities.

If your friend has not blocked him…has not made any changes in how she uses her time…then she’s just bull-chitting when she says she can’t move on from him. She either isn’t trying hard enough or she really doesn’t want to give up her new found addiction.

Now if this other guy is blackmailing her with threats that he’ll expose her affair should she leave him…then yikes. In that case…he cannot do so…without screwing himself over too and she should keep the evidence of his role in this affair as well.

i needed suggestions as i cant suggest anything to her being a very sensitive issue. her marriage is messed up since day 1. her husband abuses her mentally n physically in front of children. He had no concerns with their children as well. not supporting enough financially or by other means. her relationship with other guy is not physical n just limited to communicate on phone n meeting often. she had been tortured to much that she had to find a vent out of herself. as tolerating all this with patience, even did not bring any positive change in her husband. basically she was drained to the extent , if she could not get along with other guy, probably she would have ended up committing suicide. she used to be very religious. she still feel that that she is doing wrong n it continuosly pinch herself. divorce is not an option as there are many other issues involved. but still shes considering to go for it. the guy shes involved with a decent person. he respect her and knows all the crisis shes going through n make her up very well by listening to her n being sincere to her. he would never blackmail her neither he would marry her if she takes divorce as he is bound by his own spouse n kids. my friend tried to limit the contact with that guy but it seems impossible to her now to get out of it. whenever she tries doing so she find herself sinking into deep depression… i needed suggestions on how she could move on? there are no chances that her husband will make up with her n things would be fine. is it ok to carry on this relation? how the other guy could b convinced to marry her in case she manage to take divorce? how can she do it so that she dont have to face much social pressure? its kinda messed up matter.