Married life in Islam

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Married life in Islam

Family life plays a very important role in the life of the Muslim community as a whole. The family unit comes into being when a man and woman decide to get married. Islam recognises man and his instinct and provides answers to the questions that arise as a result of his instincts. How should the furthering of the human race take place? How should the innate attraction between men and women and the need for companionship, love and affection be satisfied? In Islam, marriage is the primary relationship by which many of these issues are addressed.

Attack on marriage within the Muslim community

After the September 11th attacks in America, Muslims have borne the brunt of a military attack on Afghanistan as well as an impending attack on Iraq. There has also been an intensification of the intellectual attack on the values, concepts and the sharee’ah rules of Islam. Islamic marriage is one of the institutions that have been attacked intellectually. Ann Cryer, a British Labour MP, attacked the practice of Muslims in Britain marrying Muslims from the Islamic lands. She said; “It just happens that the Bangladeshi and the Pakistani community are Muslims and they happen to be the people who persist in the practice of bringing in husbands and wives from the subcontinent. The Sikhs and Hindus are doing extremely well both academically and economically and I think that it is due to the fact they don’t pursue this practice. It would be better if they selected the partners for their children from the sort of home-grown variety of Muslim Asians - that’s what I would prefer to see.” (BBC Online, 13/06/02)

Some may see this as a well- intentioned observation, however closer scrutiny reveals many hidden dangers in her statement. She tries pushing the idea of “home grown” ie British Muslims being different from Muslims from the Islamic lands. This is part of an attempt to divide the Muslims in Britain from the global Islamic ummah. Islam says that all Muslims are part of one ummah without differentiation. So Muslims can marry other Muslims regardless of race, or nationality. If Muslims want to marry Muslims brought up in Britain, fine. If they want to marry Muslims from back home, that is also fine. Marrying people from the Islamic lands is one way Muslims here can maintain a link with those lands. Why has this politician focused on the Muslim community? When a non-Muslim from London marries a non-Muslim from Asia, Ann Cryer and others see it as an interesting cultural exchange, not a source of economic and academic backwardness. David Blunkett, the British Home Secretary also recently called on immigrants “… to learn to speak English and adopt ‘British norms,’” including the norms regarding marriage. Also, recent discussion in the media about forced marriages has only focussed on Muslim marriages, often portraying all Muslim marriages as ones in which all women are oppressed.

Having portrayed Muslims marriages as problematic and leading to the abuse of women, the same western politicians, journalists and commentators have also offered us their solutions in order for us to leave the Islamic values for western values. These are some of the manifestations of the intellectual attack on marriage amongst Muslims.

How the West regulates relations between men and women

What are the norms the capitalist West invites us to adopt? Looking at Britain or any other western society, you do not have to go far to see the state of relations between men and women. The relationship is generally reduced to one where the focus is on sex and enjoyment. The evaluation of partners comes down to how ‘sexy’ he\she is. The demand for sexual gratification is a constant and absorbing pursuit. Coupled with this is their belief that variety is indeed the spice of life, so whilst with one girlfriend or wife, they are always on the look out for other partners with whom they hope to have better sex and enjoyment. So people have countless affairs, and multiple sexual partners. Indeed, tabloid newspapers provide a daily diet of the latest man\woman found cheating on a partner, whether these are politicians, celebrities or common people. Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, John Major and Edwina Currie are classic examples of this from both sides of the Atlantic. For many westerners, adultery is not a matter to be ashamed off.

Capitalism promotes the idea that people should be free to enter into any type of relationships provided sex and enjoyment is attained. So casual affairs, one night stands, cohabiting, same sex relationships as well as marriage between men and women are all acceptable forms of relationships. Inevitably people look for enjoyment without responsibilities. Many men will desert the woman if she gets pregnant, because after they have had their fun, the burden of rearing children is not on their agenda.

As a consequence, thousands of children in the UK grow up only knowing one of their parents. Many women are left emotionally hurt after being dumped for a woman who wears a shorter skirt. Many men are emotionally hurt when dumped for a man who is better looking. This makes mutual distrust the norm between men and women, leading to the breakdown in social relations in western capitalist societies that we are all witnessing.

When westerners attack the concept of marriage in Islam, we should remind them of the chaos and corruption that has been created by western ideals of freedom and sexual liberation. We must reject these capitalist ideals as they contradict the sharee’ah rules that came to regulate man’s relationships.

Islam is a deen that solves problems between men and women

The fact is that men and women have a natural attraction for each other; this is the nature that Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’aala) created them with. In this issue, like all other matters, Islam came to regulate this relationship and provide rules for all of the issues that stem from it. Allah says;

“The deen before Allah is Islam.” [TMQ Al-Nisa:19]

In Islam, marriage is the stipulated relationship within which the human need for procreation is satisfied. We therefore need to clarify the exact reality of marriage in Islam and the Islamic solutions to the many problems that can occur in marital life. This ensures we protect ourselves from the freedom-inspired solutions of the capitalist way of life. It also enables us to reject the un-Islamic customs and traditions related to marriage within the Muslim community which themselves lead to many family problems.

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What to look for when seeking a marriage partner

With respect to marriage, finding a partner is the first issue we face. For some Muslim brothers, the most important criterion when looking for a wife is that she must be as beautiful as a supermodel. This is the effect of the shallow western popular culture which places great emphasis on looks and beauty. In the West (and in many Muslim countries) women in adverts are beautiful, movie stars are beautiful, and women who are not so beautiful are always being pushed to find ways to be beautiful. For some Muslim sisters, the most important criterion is the partner’s wealth and status. So she may reject a teacher or restaurant worker (who has taqwa) because he earns less than £25,000 and is not a lawyer or a doctor. This is because society places great emphasis on wealth and status. For some parents, the most important criterion for a partner for their son or daughter is that he comes from the same tribe or country. So some Pakistanis would refuse a Bengali, some Bengalis would refuse a Pakistani, some Arabs would refuse Africans, some Africans would refuse Arabs and some Mirpuris would refuse Jhelumis. The ideas of nationalism and tribalism rear their ugly heads at these times even though Islam made them haram. Parents who refuse prospective partners on this un-Islamic basis cause immense corruption and frustration in the lives of this noble ummah. More often each year we see young Muslim men and women who are attracted to each other running away from home, or having haram relationships. Facing this form of oppression caused them to stop trusting their parents and respecting their feelings, so they even lost their respect for the Islamic rules about these issues. Such parents should remember the warning of our Prophet (saw). Abu Hatim al-Muzni (ra) narrated;

“When someone proposes for your daughter and his character and morals are agreeable to you, then give to him in marriage. If you do not there will be tribulation and immense corruption in the earth.”

Islam made clear what we should look for in a partner. Abu Hurayrah (ra) reported that the Prophet (saw) said;

“A woman is married for four things; her wealth, lineage, beauty and Islamic character (deen). So gain success with the one who possesses a good character (deen).”

So the most important thing to look for in a partner is their Islamic character, though that is not the only thing one can look for. After all, which man will care for his wife properly except the one who has taqwa? Which woman will raise pious Muslim children except the one who has taqwa? We are allowed to seek beautiful women or men from good family backgrounds who are wealthy, but the most important factor is their deen. What a bonus it is if one finds a partner with good deen, wealth, lineage and beauty?

Married life in Islam

Once a partner has been found and married life begins, the husband and wife are faced with a whole new set of issues. What is each partner’s role and what rights does each one have over the other? To answer these questions, we need to look to the Prophet Muhammad (saw) and how he resolved the issues that arose between him and his wives.

Within a Muslim marriage, both partners should seek to create love, affection and mercy as this leads to tranquillity for both partners.

Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'aala) said;

“It is He Who has created you from a single person, and He has created from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her." [TMQ Al- Araf: 189]

"And among his signs is this, that he created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and he has put between both of you affection and mercy." [TMQ Ar- Rum: 21].

Rights of husbands and wives

What are the rights due to the wife from the husband? What are the rights due to the husband from the wife? Islam resolves this by stipulating the rights of either partner.

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them, in reasonable terms." [TMQ Al- Baqarah: 228]

This means women have marital rights over men and men have rights over women. That is why Ibn 'Abbas said; “Indeed I spruce myself up for my wife and she adorns herself for me, and I love that I should redeem all the rights I have over my wife, so that she should redeem all the rights she has over me.”

Women have the financial right to maintenance from their husbands, but they also have the right of good companionship and intimacy as Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'aala) has ordered;

"And live with them honourably". [TMQ An- Nisa: 19]

On the other hand men have the right to be obeyed by their wives. Bukhari reported that the Prophet said;

“It is not allowed for a woman to fast without the permission of her husband whilst he is present, nor admit someone to his house without his permission and whatever she spends of his wealth (on charitable purposes) without his permission, half the reward will go to him.”

The man also has the right that she does not mix with those of whom he does not approve.

Part of the woman’s right to intimacy is that her husband should not frown at her without reason, he must be cheerful when speaking to her and not rude or harsh, nor should he show attraction to other women.

It has been narrated from the Prophet (saw) that he had a close relationship with his wives, he would play with them, be mild-mannered toward them and have fun with them to the extent that he used to race with 'A'isha (ra), the mother of the believers, and with that win her love. She said; “Allah's Messenger (saw) raced me and I beat him, that was before I gained weight. Later I raced him when I had put on some weight, so he beat me and said; “This was (in return) for that (time when you had beaten me).” The Prophet (saw) after praying 'Isha would spend a short part of the evening chatting with his wives before sleeping, thereby creating a friendly atmosphere. So a husband should be a friend to his wife, and kind when he requests something from her, to the extent that if he desires her he should choose the best situation and condition suitable for her. Ibn Majah reported that the Prophet (saw) said;

“The best amongst you are the ones who are best to their wives.”

Unfortunately, nowadays some men have adopted some non-Islamic traditions with regards to the treatment of their wives. They believe that the fact that they paid a dowry and that they earn money to maintain their wife gives them the right to treat them harshly and rudely. They criticize their wife over any little mistake instead of overlooking it. This leads to a married life devoid of intimacy and affection, which contradicts what we learnt from our Prophet (saw), who had a close relationship with his wives.

Husbands and wives must find time and ways to build and grow a close relationship. They must find time to share their day’s experiences. For example, on returning from work the husband should enquire about her day. How did she cope with looking after the children that day? How did she deal with the cleaning, cooking and all other tasks? What do they both need to do in order to develop the Islamic understanding of their children? How can he help with any of her tasks? Wives should also ensure that they take an interest in the issues the husband is facing at work or elsewhere, as she may be able to console or help him. The sharing of each other’s joys, anxieties and problems leads to a cementing of the bonds of love between husbands and wives. He should also compliment her often and dress smartly to impress her. She should also keep herself attractive for him so their love for each other is rekindled again and again. They should also make efforts to strengthen each other’s Iman by praying tahajjud together, as well as sharing Islamic articles and books that broaden their understanding of the Islamic culture.

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Leadership has been granted to the husband

Who should have the final say? Who is the leader in this relationship? Since things may happen in married life that may disturb the order, Allah has granted the leadership of the home to the husband over the wife, ie he has been made a guardian over her. He (Subhanahu Wa Ta'aala) said;

"Men are the protectors and guardians over women." [TMQ An- Nisa: 34]

Guardianship of the husband over the wife and his leadership of the house does not mean being domineering or being its ruler such that no issue is opposed. Rather the leadership of the husband over the house is the looking after its affairs and administering it and there is no domination or commanding in it. Therefore, the woman has the right to answer back to her husband and debate with him and criticise what he says because they are companions and not a commander and commanded, or a ruler and a ruled. On the contrary they are two companions, one of whom possesses leadership in terms of running the house and looking after its affairs. In his house, the Messenger of Allah (saw) was likewise a companion to his wives, not a domineering ruler over them, in spite of his being the leader of the Islamic state and in spite of being a Prophet. 'Umar ibn al-Khattab said in a Hadith reported by him; “By Allah, during the days of Ignorance we ignored women until Allah the Exalted revealed about them what He has revealed and gave them a share.” He said; “It so happened that I was thinking about some matter when my wife said; 'I wish that you had done so and so'. I said to her; “It does not concern you, and you should not interfere in what I intend to do.” She said to me; 'How strange is it that you, son of Khattab, do not like anyone to answer you back, whereas your daughter answers back Allah's Messenger (saw) until he spends the day in vexation'. Umar said; “I took hold of my cloak, then came out of my house until I visited Hafsa and said to her; Oh daughter, (I heard) that you answer back to Allah's Messenger (saw) until he spends the day in vexation.” Hafsa said; 'By Allah, we do answer him back'. From this it becomes clear that the meaning of the man's guardianship over the woman is that the command should rest with him, but it should be a command borne out of companionship and not domination and control. Thus she can answer back to him and discuss with him.

The fact that Islam grants guardianship to the man over the woman is one of the issues over which Muslims are often attacked. Westerners champion the idea of total equality between men and women in every sense. Some Muslims have been affected by this capitalist idea, so some so-called modernists argue that obedience to the husband is an old-fashioned idea that is not suitable for 2003. So we find that they either seek complete sexual freedom with no regard to marriage, or end up in marriages where the partners constantly quarrel over who has the final say in resolving issues.

Roles of husbands and wives

What tasks is a husband primarily responsible for? What tasks is a wife primarily responsible for? This is another issue that can be a bone of contention between husband and wife, especially in the west. The Western definition of the roles men and women should have is forever changing. So in the 40s and 50s, the woman was expected to be a housewife and rear children, while the man would have a career at work. In the 80s and 90s we then had the advent of the career woman who has the right to a full-time career, just like the man. This has lead to many arguments over the responsibility for rearing children. Some babies are left with nannies two weeks after being born, hardly knowing the warmth of a mother, because she has to return to work to further her career. In Islam, the roles of the husband and wife are not defined, by men, or by women. The rules related to this aspect of life come from Allah. Islam resolved this issue by stipulating that any work that needs to be carried out inside the house the woman must undertake, whatever the type of work. Any work that needs to be carried out outside the house the man must undertake. This is due to what has been narrated from the Prophet (saw) in the story of 'Ali and Fatimah (may Allah be pleased with them); He (saw) imposed on his daughter Fatimah the duty of working in the house and imposed on 'Ali whatever was outside the house in terms of work. Allah's Messenger (saw) used to order his wives to serve him. He said;

“O ‘A’isha, bring us some water. Oh ‘A’isha bring us food to eat. O ‘A’isha bring me the razor and sharpen it against a stone.”

It has been reported that Fatimah came to the Prophet (saw) complaining to him about her difficulty in working a hand-mill, and she asked if she could get a servant to save her from that. All of this indicates that serving the husband in the house and looking after the house is one of the obligations of the wife that she must undertake. However, the performance of such work is subject to her ability. If there is a lot of work to be done which would put her in hardship, then it is incumbent on the husband to provide her a servant or any other form of help (e.g. a washing machine) that will enable the work to get done, and she has the right to demand this. However, if the work is not overwhelming and she is capable of doing it, then the husband is not obliged to provide a servant. In this case, she is required to undertake the work by herself as evidenced by what the Messenger of Allah (saw) imposed on his daughter Fatimah in tending to the house. Both partners should fulfil their responsibilities to each other, but this does not mean that the wife cannot work outside the home, or that the husband should not help with housework.

Relation with in-laws

How should a married couple relate to their in-laws? This is one of the issues that sometimes cause problems in our community. Some mothers-in-law have the idea that the daughter-in-law is like a slave who must serve the mother-in-law as she sees fit. This is due to un-Islamic customs. Some wives react to this by demanding to have nothing to do with their mother-in-law. So although the newly married couple cannot afford their own accommodation, the wife may insist that she cannot live with her in-laws who may have ample space for them. Some married couples move far away from both of their families, effectively breaking the relationship with them. This type of individualism stems from Capitalism, which leads families to live far apart and only call each other on Christmas day. All of these standpoints are far from Islam. The responsibility of looking after the parents rests primarily with their children, not their children’s wives. However, Islam encourages co-operation within the extended family and rewards the helping of other Muslims. So though the daughter in-law is not a slave to the mother-in-law, she should help out the duties if she lives with her in-laws, the couple must do their best to keep good relations with both sets of in-laws. The in-laws should also avoid interfering in every detail of their children’s marriage as this often exacerbates any problems rather than ending them.

The attack on the Islamic view of marriage is part of the attempt to get Muslims to leave the Islamic values and sharee’ah rules, adopting the western concepts about personal relationships in their place. The capitalist ideals of freedom and sexual liberation have resulted in nothing but misery for millions throughout the world. Muslims must understand the Islamic solutions to the issues that arise in marriages, so we have the Islamic marriage and the tranquillity it brings, whilst avoiding the misery caused by Western ideals or non-Islamic traditions.