Parus, has posted a great topic, Here I will have to agree with Rida and Yasmeen there are too many expectations for the girl and too little for the guy. Arranged marriages are not really all that great. Think about it folks, you only live once, and since in our pakistani/Indian culture divorce is the biggest social taboo, you are basically stuck with who you marry. In arranged marriages it is usually the elders picking and with this pressure on their minds the girl and boy are asked if they consent. Arranged marriages also rely on the picture process too much. A girl is shown the photo of the boy or vice versa and asked if they are interested. This is wrong because the guy or the girl ends up basing their opinion mostly on looks. I am not by any means saying that looks are not an important factor in marriage, all I am saying is that it is not the only think to consider, there is a thing called the brain and the person’s personality and their compatibility with each other should also be considered. Some arranged marriages work out great and others dont, the important thing to consider here is that most desi marriages whether arranged or love work out because divorce is not an option. If however one truely wants to enjoy their married life rather than just tolerate it (like most desi couples do) than I feel that he or she should truly understand their partner and enjoy their company, and this I feel is not the goal of arranged marriages. These arranged marriages are done so the girl can have financial security and the guy can have a child bearing woman who can also be used for house cleaning and other domestic chores. Face it guys as bad as it sounds this is the truth! Marriage in the desi cultures is not an option but a requirement, this very idea is the root of all evil. Please don’t misunderstand me,I feel that the consent of the parents is extremely important, but after all it will be the girl and the boy who will have to live their life with each other. What do ya think?
I have to ask you something! So what if the system is wrong? Does that mean we should stop marrying??? I am not saying I have anything against love marriges infact I have nothing at all against it but nowadays arranged marriges are getting to be a lot like love marriges. The elders give the intended a chance to meet each other and get to know each other. There are long romantic walks against the beach and a lot of sharing of dreams and long drives and bla bla bla.... So its not that bad. Notice I said THAT bad !!!
What a stupid thing .... shadi .. marriages ... etc etc. Forget it ... kia shadi shadi laga rakhee hay. Isn't there anything apart from getting married?
Of course there are things other than marrige Najim but we were just commenting on the bad things, really! Whats up with you though? Got up on the wrong side of bed???
Rida you are right, but still dont arranged marriages seem wierd, if you know what I mean?
Assalaam Alikum!
I agree with you Fatima. It's very true. that's just the way it works in our culture (well, most of the time).
Don't know about you guys, but I surely wouldn't get a 100% arranged marriage! Most likrly, it will be semi-arranged (as Rida specified), and I would definitly prefer it that way, i.e. you develop an understanding with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with before hand, and you still get your parents consent. ;)
Take care...
Aslam U Alaikum:
We have discussed this topic in this forum in detail. All of us at that time almost agreed that arranged or love marriage, both of systems have equal chances of being successful or failure. In arrange marriage there are chances that the elders will get together and try to solve the problem. Sometime it works and everybody lives happily and sometime it does not. Result is divorce. In love marriage something goes wrong the two partners find our that they have made mistake, then the chances are the separated partner may be standing alone in this life.
I like the idea of Rida, if that works then we are in heaven. Consent from parents and understanding with future partner, I am for it.
I don't want to sound negative, but in reality if this process goes wrong at any point before marriage then who is going to suffer? Male or female? You have started one of the human behaviors which nobody has understood and when anybody will? I don't know do you?
Khuda Hafiz
Go get some Goras. Much easier for you gals.
Rida,
No ... I am really fed up reading this marriage topic ... I think if you like someone mention it to your parents ... in the current age parents dont mind if you choose your partner. It is called love but arranged marriage.
By the way if Love marriage is so good then look at the divorce rate as well. Another thing, this element of LOVE vanishes after a little while and when you to carrry a kid or two in your lap you forget all about love. It is called responsibility.
Marriage is just a civil contract nothing more than that so you should have a choice to whom u are entering the contact with. I dont agree that you simply act like a sheep and accept what are you granted by your parents, but do consider their proposals as well, after all they have spent their life and they are more experienced than u anyway.
I am completely against the cousin marriage .... particularly the first counsin marriages. It is rediculous. Don't try to marry your cousin unless there is a big problem, like tribal traditions etc etc.
[This message has been edited by Najim (edited 08-19-98).]
Najim
Toon fair anj hee kareen .... waisay Najim ... ek wayya apnee marzee da kar laween ek .. apnay maan peeo dee marzee da kar laween. Maza aa ay ga ... teree dowain budheeaa(n) kukdiaan wangoon ladan geeaa(n).
HEY Fatima - your views are archaic. This might have been true in our grandparenst or parents generation - but it does not hold any water now. Unless of course the boy is a paindoo.
Most intelligent desi guys look for a bright , intelligent an sensible person. Looking for perfection in any relationship is an AMerican fallacies. Relationships work when both parties make an effort at it. Physicall infatuation wears off pretty soon. LOve marriages are no guarantees of success - Most americans marry once they fall in love - but their divorce rate is over 51%. So maybe love is also overrated. Praents, although at time seam reasoanble - and they probably are, but they have experience on their side - use you better judgement to solicit their advice.
They are not always right - but they care more for you than any swewet stories you might hear from a lover boy. So be prudent, bee pragmatic - and marriage is fore life. Whoverer you marry - there will always be somebody better out there, marriage is not going grocery shopping or getting the best deal. It is about making the most of what you have. Remember the grass always looks greener at a distance. Desi guys are not looking for domestic maids ( atleast not this one) :).
You have other alterrnatives you can jump from bed to bed from person to person like many americans do - but it createws some much heartache & pain that in the end it is not worth it. Have yu ever wondered what kinds of lives single older people live, its pathetic.
Also remember marriages mean commitment for richer or poorer , in sickness & in health - We always think we will always be young, pretty, healthy, financially well off - this might not be true
Marraige gives the security that your husband.wife finds you desirable at 50 ( even when others think you're ovcer the hill), he/she is the warmth that cares for you when you are sick, the shoulder to cry on when you are down , the look in the eyes that make all you troubles go away. SO fatima choose well and choose wisely. Best of luck
Dear Jack Handy, PLease dont get me wrong!
I would never ever marry someone my parents did not approve of. It is just that some times I wonder if I will ever come across Mr. Right. By the way, I was impressed by your logic and reasoning, you are right about desi marriages, I guess they are not that bad after all. By the way, do you attend college or are you much much older because your reply was very wise and sounded like it came from an older more experienced human. I think that other desi guys can and should learn from you.
Dear Jack,
Good to see there are people like you. I enjoyed reading what you has to say.
You say, "Desi guys are not looking for domestic maids (atleast not this one)". I am sure that is not your intention.
But, the way things turn out in real life, it's almost inevitable. Who does the cleaning and cooking and washing if not the wifey? If she's at home, it's because she's at home. And if she's got a full time job it's still her responsibility. BTW, this is not the case only with Desi marriages. Even if you start off with good intentions, it ends up like this very often. No servants so someone has to do it... who but the woman?
Ah, good morning. Another ghisa pitta topic. Yawn! I think I should go back to my bed.
Shirin - it depends on your expectations of you & your spouse. But starting out a relationship with the mentality that you get stuck with the house chores is not a healthy attitude. In these days of two income couples. the husband should help out out at home as well. Actually I know of agood friend mine who cooks better than his wife - and his wife does the other chores ( and yes they are desi). It all dpends on how you relationship is.
Always start any realtionship with a positive attitude, girls specially in the US (or atleast the ones I 've met - maybe I'm unlucky) perceive marriage as a lose lose proposition. They start out with a seige metality - being defensive to begin with, this creates more problems - since the most important thing in s marriage is trust and sensitivity. It is better to be blunt than to
play pscyhological games with one another. This way both parties understand one another. Coz in the end you have to live your entire ( read rentire) life together so better work things out or it'll get messy. Reach a middle ground, meet each other half way.
Hi a shadian waya.meray ta a soon(hear),son kay kun puk gain nae
http://www.pak.org/gupshup/frown.gif
.oh jawano tuwano hor koi kum naee
http://www.pak.org/gupshup/frown.gif
.jado tam aiy ga fer dakhi jai ge.jao khalo kudo.waya they tam taleban dey col challae jayo.changa mashwara dain gay.tusse kisse romance the gul caro.koi interest pada karo.sonayo 
Re: Marriages, the desi way(a flawed System)
wow
Re: Marriages, the desi way(a flawed System)
yeh Rida , Fatima, Shirin waghairaa kahan hain aaj kal 
Re: Marriages, the desi way(a flawed System)
unki shadi ho gayeee hay.
