Hi everyone ,
This is gonna be a long story but here it goes.
I come from a family where becoming a doctor was a main goal in life else ur a failure. I live in a european country. My elder siblings were sent to Pakistan to pursue a medical degree. Everything was paid for them.
Me, the youngest, was sent to a foreign european medical school at age 19. I thought since everything was taken care of financially for my elder siblings, the same would be done for me. My parents however, took out maximum student loans in my name. I wasn’t allowed to work ( because i was doctor sahib ki beti aur log kya kahenge). I was continuously reassured upon frequent questioning that my parents would take care of the loan.
During the first year of my medical school we find out my brother is gay. Halfway during medical school my father dies. I fail a year, since i was very close to my father. I switched to a cheaper medical school. I get engaged in 2012.
My family is unhappy with my engagement, because at the time me and my fiancé got into verbal disagreements, plus he is from a different sect, and is not a doctor and he is known in the community to be someone who has a temper. My family try to introduce me to other rishte,but i brush it off and plan a wedding with my fiancé for October 2014
Now about my sister: She lives in the USA. She has been continuously looking at one rishta after another for many years and rejecting all of them. She got married at age 31, yet her husband turns out be bipolar and they got divorced 3 years later. Thus started my sisters rishta hunt yet again. By now she is looking for and rejecting rishte for aprox 13 years and has turned 38. She hears from her doc that she needs to get married soon , else she might go into (pre) menopause soon and not be able to have kids.
My mother is supposed to join me in september 2014 to facilitate my marriage. However, my sisters demands she stay with her to facilitate her rishta search and my mother ends up not coming.
My future in laws are very embarrassed and disappointed since everyone was informed about an impending wedding.I am furious at this point. My mother suggests that i do a nikkah instead and get married when she comes back which is 6 mo later. I agree and i start contacting maulana’s to perform the nikkah. At this point my family freaks out again and says how can you do your nikkah without us. My brother starts harassing me. My sister calls my future in laws up and yells at them, saying ‘‘we are educated people and we marry after our education is over. Your son and our daughter are going around for years, whats the rush now?’’ My future in laws only respond by saying ‘’ if they are going around for years, maybe its time they get married.’’
My brother calls my fiancé up while i repeatedly tell him not to, and they have a verbal disagreement. My brother also starts grabbing me by the arm and shaking me, and while i am angry he makes a video of me and threatens to send it to my fiancé. I have to mention here, that i have alopecia , and i was not wearing my head coverings at that moment.
My family one by one asks me whether i am pregnant, and if not whats the rush? I get furious as i have not had any physical relations with my fiancé due to religious reasons. My brother gets people from the community involved, stating he was under stress and needed advice. On the one hand i am having fights with my family, on the other hand with my fiancé, so i run away to a hotel for the night. My brother comes after me and gives me a sleeping pill to calm me down at the instruction of my mother.
My fiancé feels bad for me and calls my mother up directly and talks to her in a decent way and says that if anyone bothers me anymore, they will have to deal with him. My family later interprets this as a personal insult. My mother and fiancé agree that the marriage will take place in 6 months. My health starts to deteriorate. 6 months go by and my sister keeps rejecting every rishta. After those 6 months, my family starts telling me that my fiance is the wrong guy for me and im making a huge mistake. I am not proud to say this but i got very scared to do anything (i froze), so the marriage got delayed again. We planned again to get married at the end of my medical school, yet when i asked my mother repeatedly to contact my future in laws to plan the wedding, she delayed everytime with some excuse. All this time my mother lives with me and my sister is continuously nagging her to come over to look at rishte for her since she is getting older.
My mother tries to introduce me to other people, people even come over, this doesn’t feel right to me and nothing materializes (obviously). Time goes by and i have turned 30. Everyone in my family keeps calling me crazy coz i frequently get angry at the situation (delayed marriage,debt). I have not run away and gotten married because my family has badmouthed me enough in the community and i want to be married off in a ‘normal’ way with respect.
My sister is now 41 and tells my mother she has ovarian cancer, yet her story has holes in it. She also says she got raped in the past. I highly doubt both stories. My mother wants to go to my sister. I tell her to get me married off first before going, since i don’t trust her coming back any time soon.
When i ask my mother about my debt, she says they were planning to pay it off by selling a property we have in Karachi. Till then she agreed to pay the monthly installments (and she has till now). The property was on my deceased fathers name and now finally has been put on her name. She however wants to take my sister with her to Pakistan when selling the plot, since my sister has more experience with buying and selling properties in the usa. This makes me furious.
Also, at this point, my mother is fed up with me and tells me to f*ck off to my fiancé, i say gladly, and am planning to get married right after the month of saffar (december). I am not on talking terms with my mother while we live in the same house.
After all that has happened i find it hard to trust people. I have become a nervous wreck, and have debilitating back and neck pains, due to which i am having trouble keeping a job. The positive thing is my future in laws have been very kind and patient with me, and my relationship with my fiancé has strengthened very much.
I would like to have objective opinions about the situation, since my immediate family seems to think i am the crazy one, while everyone else disagrees. I would like to know if my feelings are justified.
Thank you.