I had posted about my cousin sometime back. Basically her husband was cheating on her and we were trying to get her to realize that he is not going to change.
Soo.. she did see his true colors (after he filed a police complaint against HER for “mental harrassment” and she had to spend the night outside their house because MIL wouldn’t let her in) . They got divorced 5 months ago.
Her family wants her to start looking at rishtas again. She is 29 and their thinking is that she is more likely to get a good guy while she’s younger. I see the logic behind that. She says she is not ready… and I really get that too. However, I also see that she is lonely and stressed and bitter.
I know there are a few guppies here who’ve been divorced. I want to understand how to talk to my cousin and help her mentally prepare for a new life. I feel like she’s shutting doors on herself by not even considering the good rishtas that she’s getting. She trusts me and I don’t want to pressure her to get married if she’s not ready, but I want to help her become more hopeful and positive about the future.
How should I approach this? For those of you who’ve been through a divorce, how long did it take you to consider marriage again?
so, obviously, it wasn't her fault at all...i think her mom is right and she should get married as soon as she is ready to say...may be within a year or so...the earlier the better!
so, obviously, it wasn't her fault at all...i think her mom is right and she should get married as soon as she is ready to say...may be within a year or so...the earlier the better!
KKF, her fault was that she chose such a guy to marry - no, seriously. There were some red flags that she convinced her parents to overlook.
I agree earlier the better. Just looking for ideas to help talk to her without stressing her out even more.
Not divorced but she definitely needs time to heal......i kno cz of the age issue she doesnt have as much time as a guy or much younger girl so would a set amount of time be a compromise? Iike say 1 year..... its only been 5 months...didnt read through that thread but in the meantime can you encourage her to do something she wanted to do but couldnt when she was married? Like certain hobbies or something or study or work, socialize?
KKF, her fault was that she chose such a guy to marry - no, seriously. There were some red flags that she convinced her parents to overlook.
I agree earlier the better. Just looking for ideas to help talk to her without stressing her out even more.
they say, when in love, you overlook the obvious and try to see qualities that aren't there in your SO.
it's a gradual process to make her come to agree to marry...it's not done in one sitting and convince her...just keep encouraging her to get marry ASAP. it will take some time but i'm sure she will see the wisdom behind getting married. inshaa Allah.
Even giving her time won't make much of a difference if she's constantly reminded about second marriage. This kind of environment will only add to her stress and bitterness. I suggest give her good six months -without any marry again reminders -to let her come out of the trauma.
The best way to heal is to become happy again...find life again.
No one can help her until it hits her that life isn't over. What you can do is pull her out of her shell.
The things that helped me:
Exercise...believe it or not...it makes a big difference. Helps you focus, gives you clarity and energy to do something. Active people are happier people. Happy people are attractive.
Socializing outside of her normal clique.
Reinventing yourself...its a new phase which means a new person. Help her find the good in this part of her life. Get a new haircut, a new look, a new wardrobe, etc.
Find a hobby...help her narrow down what she likes to do.
Do NOT talk about her divorce or make her feel like you're pitying her. Tell her family to stop discussing it for a while - until she can talk about it herself. Its not something anyone can forget...I think about it even now sometimes and its been over three years. So the last thing she needs is a reminder.
Finally, age is just a number. Yeah, it will be easier right now versus later but who wants a bitter spouse? I don't. You want this next marriage to be successful...not another disaster. So approach this step by step...let her heal, become happy and then focus on marriage.
^ Excellent suggestions Reha. I'll try to nudge her into doing things to feel good about herself. I completely agree with the exercise idea - I'm sure she'll enjoy something like a zumba class.