Hi all,
Need some pointers on a situation I’ve found myself in. I’ve analysed the situation to death and would really appreciate an outside perspective.
Got married over two years ago and found that I’d inherited an interfering MIL who caused issues with everything. We didn’t live with the in laws so I was somewhat detached by the daily plans that appeared to be hatched to discredit me in public or private. However, a number of situations occurred where my MIL did her utmost to upset me (not telling us about a death in the extended family so that when we attended a family gathering a few months later, the auntie whose mother had passed away, wouldn’t talk to me, asking us to save her a table at a family wedding, only for her to get there early and reserving a table for her and her daughters and others but leaving me and my husband to find a table of our own: at the same wedding, when family pics were being taken, the whole family went up but me and husband weren’t asked, calling my husband over to her house a few days before she was due to go to Pakistan and saying she wanted a word with just him and to leave me at home. When he got there, the entire khandaan had been invited. This reflected badly on me since everyone thought I had chosen not to come. In fact, a few of the auntie’s took my husband to the side and asked him to ‘Samjah’ me to cooperate and so that at least it looked like I was trying to be part of the family. Then there was going over on My first Eid where I sat alone in the corner for 4 hours as the family members made a point of not talking to me. The female relatives stayed away because they didn’t want my MiL to think they were taking sides. The uncles were the only ones asking me how I was. Then there was a time when my MIL got diagnosed with breast cancer. EVERYONE knew but I was kept in the dark because my MIL told my husband that she didn’t want me to know. When others made reference to her health and asked me how she was, I used to have to improvise empathy for a condition I wasn’t meant to know she had!). These are they just some of the key things that come to mind, lots has been said to my husband about me too (things like I’ve taken him away from her, he listens to me more than her, since marrying me, he’s changed and she doesn’t like it, she said he shared too much with me and that a good husband should keep his parents ‘secrets’ and not tell them to his wife. Whereas she wanted to know everything about me, etc.).
The thing is, there’s a lot of backstory about detached parenting and there have been a lot of divorces and family breakups in my inlaws family so I can somewhat understand their behaviours. The thing is, I’m finding that I’m not as strong and resilient in this situation as I am elsewhere. I find myself getting worked up over the tiniest little thing and can’t let go. My husband is dealing with his own issues- narcissistic parents vs how to maintain the Islamic ties of kinship. We’ve tried talking about some of the issues but we’ve not got anywhere as my husband can see what his mum and the family are doing but feels stuck in the middle. To his credit, he’s called his mum and sisters out when they’ve said something about me but that reinforces what they already think and then say he’s only saying what he is because he’s ‘taking my side’. This infantile, school playground situation is really frustrating and also very upsetting.
I love Ramadan and have always found it a month where I feel the most at peace. I also really want the situation with my MIL to improve. I used to call her every once in a while but because of her behaviours, I’ve not spoken to her for ages. So yesterday, I called the MiL and said I would love it if we were able to get together at some point to talk about some of the issues that I felt had come between us and effected our relationship. I could detect relief? Pleasure? In her voice and she said to leave it with her whilst she thought things through and that she’d get to me with dates.
Based on past experiences, she’s going to let me down by either ignoring what I’ve just said and leaving me hanging or by twisting it in a way and telling my husband/others a different story. BUT, I really want to make this work, I’m sick of being made to feel as if I’m a Cruella de Ville type DIL who’s come in ‘broken’ the family. I have two younger SILs but because of the controlling nature of the family, they have their own issues with their parents. They’ve also never made me feel welcome and really can’t be bothered with me. I tried at the beginning but have turned away from them as well.
Apologies for the long thread but how do I navigate next steps? If she accepts the invite to meet, how honest should I be with her? I’m worried that if I open up, she’ll take advantage of that and use my emotions as a stick to beat me with later. If she doesn’t accept, then Eid is around the corner. Should I go over? My family live in another part of the country so we usually spend EId there unless we’ve got other things planned and spend it with friends closer to us. Should I then keep reminding her that we need to talk? How do I tackle the rest of the in laws? My SILs dont give a monkeys about me but have always accused my husband of taking his wife’s ‘side’ over theirs. This is true but they do things in front of him so he steps in when he sees they’ve gone too far.
I’d love for us all to get on but things have got really messy and I don’t know what to do.
I’d like to think I’m a sensible person who has good intentions and have tried doing things correctly but any input about what I should/shouldn’t do next would be appreciated.
