making friends

Lifestyle Relationships
1

This is going to be a long post so thanks in advance for plowing ahead and reading.

I am antisocial.

There. I said it. They say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I have admitted I have a problem.

When I say antisocial…well, let me lay it out clearly. I have a small group of close friends and we’re all scattered across the world. We keep int touch via email, phone calls and coordinating meet-ups throughout the years. It’s tough but worth it because these people are dear to my heart and have done more for me than I probably deserve, especially after my father passed not too long ago and during the weeks leading up to my wedding when I was going nuts trying to get everything in order. Beyond my friends, I have my books, my job search, my apartment to keep in order, my lunatic cat (yes, I know - crazy cat lady), a dinner to put together every once in a while for my family and my susraal wale, and most importantly my dear husband of over one year who is now my new best friend and with whom I can and do spend hours and hours talking about everything and nothing at all. I have a beautiful life, Alhamdullillah.

But still, many concerned relatives feel I keep to myself too much and need to “get out more.” And perhaps they’re right. Everywhere I turn within the desi community, I see people with a massive social network. Every weekend they have is booked with davaats, weddings, and other social functions. I don’t want this sort of life…perhaps just a less extreme version of it. I’d like to be more involved in my community, to help out more and perhaps make some new friends along the way.

So I’ve already drawn up a small plan. First will be to go the to the masjid more often for salaat and find out about some volunteer work to do there. The next step is the problematic one and the one in which I’d like to ask your advice. We have quite a few Indian/Pakistanis in our apartment block that have moved in recently. I’ve been working on a pretty time consuming project for the past few months (a relative needed help with a tax issue), so I haven’t had time to socialize with them beyond a smile and Salaam in passing.

I’ve also had the chance to observe them. My living room window looks out over the entire apartment complex and that’s usually where I’m parked with my laptop, researching away. I have watched the children of these families staying out on the parking lot from the early hours of the morning to midnight and beyond. Their activities usually consist of screaming at the top of their lungs, strewing their toys everywhere, destroying the neighbors’ small gardens that they’ve been working on since early spring, scratching up people’s cars (not actually taking keys to them or anything but inadvertently when they are tossing their toys around something crashes into a car), tormenting people’s pets (a lot of my neighbors have stopped letting their cats out or leaving their dogs on a leash outside their apartments because of this), and nearly causing accidents because they play in the parking lot. When asked nicely (and occasionally not nicely) by others living here to cut it out, the children just make a face and continue with what they’re doing. I have yet to see a parent come out and discipline any of them. I’ve seen at least two families get into a massive, loud fight in the middle of the parking lot in full view and hearing of the entire complex. This is just a small list of the things I have seen while glancing out the window in the past two months. There is much much more.

Though I have to admit it’s been much quieter lately…I suspect that’s due to the hot weather and the fact that the landlord and the police got involved at some point.

So that’s sort of my problem. I’d like to get this project of the more social Mistral started, and I know a big part of that is being a more neighborly Mistral…but I’m a Mistral who is now slightly scared of her neighbors.

Thoughts? Am I being too sensitive?

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Re: making friends

Sounds like two different issues, 1) wanting to be social and 2) stupid neighbors.
Unless u WANT to be friends with those stupid neighbors.

3

I described the problem to an acquaintance and was told that I was being too picky about my neighbors' behavior, should just get over myself and start inviting them over. I do want to be more social. I just wanted to put it all out there and get some opinions from people as to whether or not I'm being too sensitive and truly need "to get over myself." Clearly, you don't think so Sara :)

Thanks. I thought I really was turning into a picky old woman.

4

Mistral, I think you could be my doppelganger, personality-wise. I too have the awesome husband, apartment, books, and cat (two of them, actually), and this keeps me pretty fulfilled. My social circle is small but made up of people to whom I'm intensely loyal and love very much.

I'm not really good at all at confrontation, so I don't feel like I can give useful advice on the neighbors situation.

But for the antisocial thing, I have TONS of thoughts. I learned long ago that I am not shy, and I'm not socially awkward. I don't hate people or hate getting to know new people at all. However, I am definitely an INTROVERT, and having some quiet time alone each day, in an environment where I feel totally at ease, is so important to helping me "recharge my batteries." About 80% of people are extroverts, and they actually derive energy from their social interactions, and begin feeling drained and lonely if they spend too much time alone. For us introverts, it's the opposite, and the majority of people (extroverts) have a hard time understanding us.

In societies/cultures that are so strongly grounded in multi-generational families, closer living quarters, more financial interdependence among families, stronger social codes, etc., like desi society, the maintenance of social and family ties is even more valued than in Western society, and increased social pressure to adhere to extrovert ways of relating to people and spending time.

I feel the conflict every day of feeling pressure from my husband's family to be in constant contact with his parents, sisters, cousins, etc., by phone, through visits, etc., while at the same time feeling I need some cushion of privacy and 'alone time' in order to avoid feeling stretched too thin, etc. I already p.o.'d one of my SILs because I'm not a huge fan of talking on the phone, while it's her favorite hobby, and she feels like I'm standoffish by not calling her every day. :) For me, the fact that I have to spend so much of my job in social interaction makes it even harder to spend my leisure time in constant social activity. Of course, at the same time, I value the opportunity to build my network, meet new friends, etc., but it's literally exhausting for me to be in constant social contact.

What am I trying to say here? I guess I'm trying to say that it's awesome that you're looking to get more involved, meet more people, etc. But if you're an introvert, like me (and it sounds like you are!), also try to accept that you are different than the majority of people, and that having that quiet time is a really important part of your personality and maintaining your sanity. Also understand that what is personally enriching to you will perhaps never be valued by most of the people you know and love---for example, I find a trip to the library and 3-4 solid hours of reading a good book so utterly wonderful and fantabulous---and my social butterfly husband finds it cute and mystifying cause the same thing would bore him stiff. Perhaps looking for activities that combine that internal element with more social interaction, like just taking a class for fun, or joining a book club, might be a good way for you to get started!

5

i think you should talk to your aquaintance more....look a lot people aren't going to tell you upfront what's wrong with u because everyone wants to be liked....they are going to be nice to you and tell u to be yourself. So a person who can criticize you sincerely is more of a friend, then somone who just likes to compliment you. So start with the fact that your picky.....and stop trying to be so picky.

Everyone has something nice abt them, nobody is pure 100% satan!!! So get to know your neighbors...and instead of focusing on everything they do wrong , focus on everything they do right.

And about the kids, come on- give them a break...let them have all the fun they want to have...before they all become older and proper, and all responsible like the rest of us are.

6

^You're right. I'm working on being less picky. And I understand about kids being kids. They get into mischief because that's what they do. What disturbs me is that nobody - meaning their parents - says anything to them when their behavior gets out of control. Case in point...a few days ago, there was a fire in our apartment complex. It was chaos but it ended eventually. While the firemen were putting out the fire, a bunch of the kids that I referred to previously kept running up to the building, getting too close, trying to take pictures and just getting in the way. Now there were things exploding in that building and it was dangerous. The firemen and police were yelling at them to get away. All of their parents were standing there and didn't say a word. That's what bothers me.

Kids break things. They get messy. That's fine. Life is messy. But what I saw at that fire and what I've seen the past few months...well it feels to me that it's more than that. And also, I'm insane about animals. People who are cruel to them burn me up like nothing else. I've caught these kids throwing rocks at the neighborhood animals. That's not being kids. That's sadistic. Fortunately, I know that not all of them are like that.

And you haven't met my friends. They have no problem telling me to my face and often to grow the hell up. I do the same for them. That's why we love each other.

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[quote="mistral"]

^

They have no problem telling me to my face and often to grow the hell up. I do the same for them. That's why we love each other./QUOTE]

good!! then I think you should ask your friends on how you could improve. Since they know you and your personal life better then anyone on gupshup, they would be able to tell you the best way to become the new and improved you since they know your situation better then anyone else!! Write them all down!! and read them every morning, so you can be reminded on ehat you need to improve everyday.

I

8

Yes you are sensitive. Perhaps a thinker.

But you are not anti-social from what you wrote.

Please read about the definition of being anti-social.

You seem to have an introverted personality trait by your post.

Not aggressive and not really party kind. You have a bit of 'passive personality' and despite you may not like something, you try not to get involved in other people's affair.

No problem there what you wrote in my humble opinion. :-)

By the way, you live in France? No need to answer though.

9

Re: making friends

Thanks diwana. I know that by the technical definition of antisocial, I probably don't fall under that category and tend more towards introverted as you say. But according to well meaning desi friends, introvert is just a euphemism for antisocial. :)

And no, I don't live in France. Though I would love to visit one day.

Ghalti sy mistake ho gaye
10

Mistral,

I know what you mean about desis in general having massive social circles and all that jazz. Which may be the reason why we tend to be obsessed with 'what-people-will-say'.

Your friends are a reflection of who you are - so make wise decisions. Quality over quantity. Meaningless socializing is such a waste of time and energy. There is no need to put up with someone even for a coffee with whom you have no connection with at all. So please don't think you need to proactively reform your social life in anyway or that it is lacking - until you feel lonely or deserted by your real friends. I think you're much better off than many other people who have a never-ending burden of tiresome and meaningless social obligations. This is easy for me to say as I am blessed with three other sisters very close to but trust me, I never undermine the value and importance of friends in my life and thus am quite selective in choosing them.

Some peope have more social needs than others, which is fine but until you yourself don't feel a void in your life, please don't think your social life is lacking in anyway just because others feel that way about it. Also, from what I've read, your life sounds peaceful. MashAllah. That over a rowdy social life anyday!

11

You know, they say that if you write things down, it may help you figure out what you really want or at least clarify things.

After reading through my own post and others' replies, I am now certain that I don't want a massive social calendar. But it concerns me how narrow the focus of my life has become. That is, it's pretty much centered around my needs and the needs of a small circle of family and friends. Which isn't bad...but it's not good either. I really do need to socialize more. Not for the purpose of giving and receiving party invites, but to be more involved, to help out and give back to the Muslim/desi community. I have my complaints about it - especially the desi aspect of the community in the states. Allah knows I've griped about it at length. But it has tons of good points too - the hospitality, the close family/friend units, the generosity, etc. I could go on and on because it is a long list. And if it weren't for those wonderful qualities our community has, well for me personally, the last few years would have been unbearable.

I'm grateful for what I have received. And it's long past time for me to give something back and try to help improve things instead of just constantly whining about them. You're right Straight_up, I do need to be careful and whichever way I choose to get more involved, I will have to emphasize the quality over the quantity. But in the end, I need to come out of my peaceful shell a little bit and lend a hand.

Wish me luck everyone!

:)

12

Re: making friends

Meet the locals and improve their problems? Be friends with the parents first, then start up a community group project with either both parents and kids, or just the kids. Keep them constructively occupied e.g. help a neighbour in need day - get them to help neighbours buy gardening / help clear up trash etc. Plant things. Meet the animals day - find out about their neighbours animals (start with your cats!), teach them about animal welfare etc. Food day - everyone can make some food and have a little street party or something.

I know it's not easy to pull off, but it might help focus the kids on doing something constructive rather than destructive.

Facebook
13

Cute idea. I'm big on teaching kids basic kindness and respect for animals. I have access to a lot of humane ed materials for kids so if any GS folks in the US do anything like this in their free time feel free to PM me and I can send you some free materials by US mail. :)

Facebook
14

Re: making friends

^ It may be that these kids just do not have an understanding of how wrong it is to mistreat animals (and eachother!). A friend rescued a dog in Pakistan one day that the local kids were torturing, the kids couldn't understand why anyone would consider a dog's feelings, it was an alien concept to them.

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@Rupay

I think it doesn't occur to a lot of folks that empathy, whether for humans, animals, or both, is a skill that needs to be taught and exercised and doesn't necessarily come 'naturally' to kids. The world would be such a better place if we all learned a little more kindness and understanding toward each other and other living creatures.

16

Re: making friends

Mistral, you sound like me.

I have a handful of friends I love dearly but beyond them...I really dont feel the need to make more friends.

There is nothing wrong with that...get involved in your community and make the right kind of friends if you are feeling the need to socialize more. Getting to know your neighbors sounds like it will be much more drama then its worth if you ask me.

Selling Your Art
17

lol@PSquared

Yeah, and if your neighbors turn out to be the 'sticky' type then you're really in trouble---reach out and then they'll never leave you alone! ;)

18

You are all right. I need to be careful. It could all backfire. Quality over quantity.

But I have to try. I was talking to the very wise Redvelvet the other day about this. The one thing that's pushing me towards the "project social Mistral" is this: Three of the people I admire most in my life are my Ammi, my Nani, and my Baba, may Allah grant him jannat. And one of things I admire about them is that though they aren't social butterflies, they help. They lend a hand. They get involved without getting into people's business. Sometimes it gets thrown back in their faces. They brush it off and DO IT AGAIN.

It makes me think about the incredible amounts of sabr they have how Allah has and will bless them for it. I would like to develop that type of sabr and pass that on to any children I may one day have.

I definitely have to balance things carefully and avoid the drama. I hate drama and I don't need it in my life. But I know that if I want to develop the good qualities of my Ammi, Baba and Nani, I have to take a chance every once in a while.

19

Re: making friends

The trick is just to make sure you dont appear anti-social. Be approachable, smile, say salaam and be helpful when people need you. However, learn to draw the line and make sure your energies are being directed towards a more positive and helpful goal.

You have a generous soul and that is a quality you can do a lot with...just make sure you dont get taken advantage of.

3 Ks of Desi Babas
20

Thank you PSquared. That's very nice of you to say. And yes, that's very true that there are people out there waiting to take advantage. It's a fine line to walk isn't it?