Re: maintaining a home life- expectations, tips, best practices
I used to give talks to friends about this all the time, to the point that I developed a lecture out of it.
No.1 rule is that both parties need to play by the rules. If either party refuses to participate, the game cannot be played.
The rules of the game are:
Communication
Cooperation
Compromise
COMMUNICATION
First rule is always communicate what you want from the other person. I learnt a long time ago that hubby was not good at getting hints. In fact all men find it hard to decipher a womans subtle clues to what she wants. Women need to be direct with men about their needs and want. On the other hand, men have to reverse this. Women hate men being direct so alway try to be as diplomatic as possible when communicating with your wife.
Communication is vital for a successful marriage. Dont assume that you dont need to discuss things with the partner. A lot of conflicts arise from.."well you never told me....."If you make any plans or want to purchase something, anything that will have a direct or indirect impact on your partner needs to be communicated.
For example, when you are going out, it is simple courtesy to say "I am going out. I will be back in an hour or so" I am the type who doesnt really care where hubby is going but I do want to know when to expect him back. The first reason is for safety. If he isnt back 3 hours after he is supposed to I can officially worry.
Men are not big talkers while some women communicate too much information. It is important that both sides for a common level where enough information is shared to make each person feel that they are part of a team.
COOPERATION
Once the communication starts, so do the negotiations. Arguments in a marriage tend to occur when one person is resistant to doing something the other person is wants.
My brother in law had the best approach to this. His wife (hubbys sis) practically does anything she wants and he wasnt bothered. I asked him how comes he seemed so laid back about everything, even to the extent of tagging along to dinner parties she is invited to (Something he doesnt like doing). He replied "I have a few principles that I need her to follow. As long as she follows those, I really dont mind what she does. And if I go along to a party that she wants me to, its because going there doesnt violate those principles" What were the principles? He wanted her to respect and take care of his family and to not interfere in how he took care of them financially. That was it.
Whenever possible, try to cooperate with the other party if it really doesnt effect you detrimentally. Taking care of children for example so that your wife can have a break is cooperation and it allows a man to bond with his children. A wife going out to dinner with his friends (whom she probably doesnt care for) will make her husband appreciate her more for being cooperative with him.
COMPROMISE
This is the biggest problem relationships have. Finding the middle ground when two people have very differing opinions. I personally hate housework but like my home clean. However, I married a neat freak bordering obssessive compulsive disorder clean. After many years of arguing about the house not being clean to his standards, he has finally found a compromise - we hired a housekeeper to come in once a week to do a thorough cleaning. The cost is so high that it has actually motivated me to clean along with her whilst satisfying him that the house is being taken care of to his liking.
Somebody described the compromise very succintly. They said " a compromise is when one person ISNT left 100% happy but the other person 100% sad. The balance is to find a middle ground where both parties arent entirely happy but also not entirely sad. Unfortunately in many desi marriages, especially examples where the husband has been raised in very traditional homes, the wife is expected to do every single thing the husband says, regards of whether she is happy about it or not. And those types of husbands dont really care about their wives feelings either.
I think the most typical example where a compromise is useful in the home is when weekends come around. The hubby has spent the entire week working and wants to spend those two days just resting. However, the wife has just spent the entire week at home..and possibly a kid or two to take care of..and just wants to go out. When my older two were younger, we had developed a great system. Fridays were our childrens day. They were allowed to choose what they wanted to do that night, whether it was the movies, eating out or going to an adventure type place. Saturdays was my day. It was also usually the grocery day but we went as a family to get it done instead of me lugging the kids around by myself. And again, Saturday was my choice day to do whatever I wanted.Sundays hubby had to himself. He could go swimming, play cricket with friends or just relax at home with the guarantee of no nagging to do anything. Where is the compromise-this sounded like cooperation? Well hubby hated going to kiddie places and doing grocery shopping so the things he did on those days werent his preference but he compromised by not vetoing us on our choices.
I think whatever issue arises in the home, using the three C's will hope allow you to alleviate some of those concerns. And these rules are the trinity that provide the ultimate key to marriage in my opinon- RESPECT. Without respect there is no marriage and in order to respect someone, you must communicate, cooperate and compromise.
