Being a parent myself I’ve realized that there should be a fine line between guarding your child’s self image and reprimanding them when needed. A lot of parents these days are raising their kids out of the book where they think yelling at their children is completely wrong. You’ll hear them saying things like “oh, she’s just a kid” or “let nature teach him.”
The same parents also allow their kids to control their lives and schedules. I’ve been there, done that, and correcting myself along the way.
Parents need to establish that they are the parent.
When do you start putting your foot down and spending time with your child to explain basic life lessons?
Yelling is not the best way to deal with a conflict.....and it's hard not to yell sometimes. But...at the very least...parents should try not to yell at their child in a public place or infront of relos/friends. Because then the kids also have to deal with the feeling of being embarrassed on top of the issues regarding the conflict.
Parents establish that they are the authority and need to be respected (which is a two-way street)....but with time that "authoritative" relationship needs to change a bit. You're not going to parent a teenager or son/daughter in their 20s in the same way you would a 4-year-old. With time...parents give their kids more freedom in making their decisions.......but they have to teach them how to make good decisions. In an inservice...the trainer brought up that kids don't really know how to do that. You ask them to vote between a few choices....and they'll quickly pick something...but they haven't given the pros and cons much thought. SO, he shared a classroom activity where you discuss pros and cons before asking the kids to vote....it helps them organize their thought process. But this is something that can be implemented at home as well. Often times parents will say "NO...because I said SO"..."I'm the parent and this is how it's going to go".......and they don't explain their reasonings......which doesn't answer questions and can lead to rebellion. Kids learn about communication styles from their parents as well. You can either show them that the best way to communicate is to yell, belittle, and control.......or you can also show them them what open communication looks like. Ask kids grow older, their scope of understanding broadens...so they should be given more freedom...but not without guidance.
Every child is different so you have to see what works for your child. I think.
Sometimes you do have to put your foot down. Call it an old desi way of parenting, but I’m not very much in favor of flowery parenting methods for kids who’ve learned to take advantage of their parents’ laid back and new scientific method of parenting.
^Niksik, I never said that it would work beautifully and I'm not averse to desi method of parenting........but is open communication confined to a particular race (as in non-desis)? Yes, there are days when you will have to put your food down, scream, and administer a consquence. But should that be ONLY way to deal with all issues? No....because as you've already said....kids are different. Some might respond well to the yelling with no damaging after-effects and some might not. However, I think that parents do need to model/demonstrate open communication and discussion,. While Islam allows parents to spank their kids....it also emphasizes gentleness and respectful communication.....that's a basic practice/skill and not something that is additional/over-the-top/or flowery.. I do realize that it is hard to do at times when we're angry. But it's among the many strategies that can be implemented and an important social skill for kids to learn. I don't agree with the sugar-coating/let em be/i'll support my kid blindly no matter what....type of parenting.
Kids are different....and the way they respond to parenting strategies can change as they grow older. That said...the same strategy can't always be used. A five-year-old might respond well to what is considered the "desi style" or what some may call a firm style....you sternly shout an order and maybe the kid will get scared and follow orders right away. That same five-year-old might not respond in the same way (or as well) to that particular method years down the road. I think a lot of it is trial-and-error...you try things and see how they work...and have more than one strategy in your arsenal.
Off topic but wanted to share something...
Most time parents let their kids stay in friends house or go out with them only coz parents say * we know this child's parents he is from very good family and his/her parents are very nice* even if parents are so nice child could be different.
I'm sYing all this coz I have heard so many bad and sad stories :(
I agree with that RV. Desi parents of this day and age are more open in their communication. But then again, I can’t confidently say that the non-desi open communication technique has always produced beneficial results.
What I am getting at is how many parents, desi or non desi, are in denial abouttheir kids bad behavior and like to tackle the issue with very exotic nurturing methods [forgive my choice of words…I don’t know if you can tell but this thread is a result of some unacceptable behavior of a child towards my child ] instead of firm and consistent disciplinary actions.
It's tricky, Niks. I think I err on the opposite side. I am so afraid of spoiling her or being ruled by her that I am sometimes too rigid even when i don't actually mind being flexible, just so that she realizes that she doesn't just automatically get her way. But it makes things harder for me than they need to be.
I think I get what you're saying, Niks. I wasn't trying to argue with you. I'm not averse to the daantna and occasional smack if need be. I was just saying that there should be a variety of ways to deal with a situation becasuse the same strategy may either be ineffective (as you said) or stop producting the same results.
I do get your point. One of my colleagues will yell at the other students for little things....but when it comes to her own child, she's in denial, makes excuses, and even laughs off the behavior as though it's cute. The kid will hurt other kids....and even be rude to adults...but mom doesn't get it. She reacts in a very intense/extreme way when people complain directly about her child.......but when adults try to give her a hint....she's obtuse. The kid continues the same misbehavior one year after another....because mom's not firm with her kid so it wasn't nipped in the bud...nor does her strategy attempt to understand why her kid behaves a certain way.
I hate it when parents deny bad behavior of their kids. Sometimes you just have to be strict. I can understand a parent trying hard to discipline their kids but they just don't listen. At least we see some sort of effort from the parent. I hate it when people just sit around and not say anything to their naughty kids. Sometimes you just have to, even when you don't like it, discipline the kids strictly. Now I am not talking about teachers, just parents who have the authority.
I have a 4 month old and I can tell you, I am not obsessed with my baby. I know what's right and what's wrong. Not sure if this counts but I never let my baby sleep in bed with me. I put him in his bassinett so he knows that's his place to sleep, not with me. At times I don't like it but like Sahar said, you just have to do certain things even when you don't like it yourself. Basic life lessons, Niksik mentioned should always always be there, no matter what age the kid is. You can't ever stop being a parent and let kid have their wrong ways.
I was just wondering if you know of any parents who regret holding their baby too much? or having them sleep with them?
I keep hearing this all over the place that dont hold your baby too much when they are young (and since my baby isnt here yet, I can not picture myself not holding my baby all the time- and yes I may spoil him) and even though I have the bassinet and crib and want him to sleep in there but if he insisted on sleeping with me, I will not mind neither do I think that I will regret it.. they grow up soo soon that we will miss these moments!!
mind you my baby isnt here yet but I am kind of tried of people telling me not to hold your baby too much and establish the rules from day one.. I dun see myself establishing strict rules! am I a bad mother :(
I think different things work for different people. If that's what's going to work for you and you'll be happy with, then sure why not. I don't see a problem with it.
I didn't do all of this because I have no help and I didn't want my baby crying all the time, hold me hold me. I just couldn't do it. I've never put him to sleep even once. I put him in his bassinett or swing and he goes to sleep on his own. Because I have limited time, I had to use it good. I put him in his swing and put the swing in front of my husband's study table and he goes to sleep. I take this time and go work out or get other things done.
I still enjoy my time with my baby. I wake up early with him, play with him, read him a book, I play with him in his gym, he sits with me all day on the sofa. I even take him out to the park every single day (he is only 4 months), he loves it. But I don't understand why I need to hold him all the time or put him in bed with me, or spoil him. But I also think that if YOU do it, it wont' make you a bad mother.
I was just wondering if you know of any parents who regret holding their baby too much? or having them sleep with them?
I keep hearing this all over the place that dont hold your baby too much when they are young (and since my baby isnt here yet, I can not picture myself not holding my baby all the time- and yes I may spoil him) and even though I have the bassinet and crib and want him to sleep in there but if he insisted on sleeping with me, I will not mind neither do I think that I will regret it.. they grow up soo soon that we will miss these moments!!
mind you my baby isnt here yet but I am kind of tried of people telling me not to hold your baby too much and establish the rules from day one.. I dun see myself establishing strict rules! am I a bad mother :(
I don't think it will make you a bad mother. I think flexibility with stability is necessary for parenting.
I was so good about getting madam sleeping on her own. She slept in her bassinett and then in a crib in her room. It was great until she hit 8 months and then around 1 year. She's too aware of everything and conscious of separation. She wanted none of that. Currently her crib is a toddler bed and pushed up against our bed. That's the compromise we've come to. Need to slowly transition her to have the toddler bed in our room, but separate from the bed (just waiting for her to get better at climbing up and down).
But my point is that kid's go through phases and their routines are constantly changing, and we need to be able to adapt while remaining in control.
And you can't cuddle and hold your baby too much. You can't spoil them with love.
I don’t there is any good that comes out of yelling. I do yell and I regret when I do because it’s not effective in getting results that I want. I just effectively scare my kids for a short time span.
I do believe in being stern and authoritative without the yelling and giving them consequences are critical. They need to realize that mistakes and bad behavior has consequences.
For instance my children know when I tell them to come down for prayer - there is no slacking.
It’s not as effective as shutting off the T.V because I have been not as authoritative in that and let it slide a few times. Now the realize there is wiggle room.
My children own my days and nights and my life and my schedule how do I change that. HELP.
njgal, it's easier said than done. :(
GTG, you're baby is too small for you to worry...and none of anything makes anyone a bad mother. We all do what we think is best for our kids.
I wasnt trying to offend or stir up another debate here.. I was just thinking that our motehrs didnt do the text book parenting and I think most of us turned out pretty good, learned from our mistakes, and just knew that mommy means whatever she says.. I was raised pretty spoiled but I know I was always afraid of my mother's "look" and knew where my limit was.. she, on the other hand, never even raised her voice and called us "aap" all of our lives.. Aboo was the one that we could get away whatever we did but not with Ammi and I have no idea how she did it!!
Spiral.. thats a good routine.. in fact very much perfect but knowing that I will be going back to work after 6 weeks, and I will not have all day to spend with my baby.. I have a feeling I will probably not be as strict and just go with his flow! things may change, I will report back later :-D
] instead of firm and consistent disciplinary actions.
how do I change that. HELP.