A close friend of mine is in the following situation. I am unable to advise her without being biased so any insight would be greatly appreciated:
My friend and her bf have been together for almost 9 months. He is unable to inform his parents of his intention to marry her atm because the timing is all WRONG (for him) as he still has his studies to complete…whereas…the timing for her is all RIGHT as she has finished her studies..He finishes at the end of 2011..(he’s only a couple of months older than her- both are 23)
Does she:
a) Stick it out, battle it out with her parents and pray for the best? OR
b) Get out of this relationship because what is the guarantee that his parents will even agree at the end?
They love each other to bits and are in fact an adorable couple but they have had a few issues which I think stem from the fact that my friend can be a bit immature/argumentative, as can he. Other than that he is MA a very good guy, very respectful, never flirting around, clubbing etc.
tell her to wait, find a job since her studies are over already and improve herself overall as a person then after his studies are done too, it will be a perfect time for both to get all the marriage issues sorted out. you never told us why his parents wouldn't agree, if they're both muslim what's the problem?
if his studies are getting done in the end of this year, they can either still talk to his parents, let them know about the girl and possibly do an engagement since they girl's parents are okay with it. Or Wait till he graduates and then let the parents know. A lot of times we think our parents won't understand, and they end up doing because they see that's what we want and 1 year wait is not a big deal. Probably she would have still be getting married around next year even if he was done. So, time is really not a factor.
End of 2011 is not so bad. I think she needs to calmly speak to him and let him know that she understands the pressure he has to complete his education....but at the same time....her parents are going to pressure her with rishtas and how long can she stall them? She can ask him if he'd be ready for at least some sort of formal commitment, such as an engagement, several months from now. And if he agrees, then that would bring her some peace of mind. Now....if he agrees to this.....then he does need to tell his parents that he's interested in her.....and they need to meet her parents......if things work out....then they set a date for an engagement. Does she have a job? If not, then getting one would keep her busy while he completes his studies.
And there are several ways one can keep away from marriage because of some particular reason, Education being one of the best and then career issues. They both can decide on a formal commitment (what redvelvet said) and its all good. But even if he still has issues then end 0f 2011 will come in blink of an eye, she can wait!!
I do not think a year is that bad quite honestly speaking. It takes a year to find someone, get to know them, see if you like them, get parents involved, etc etc etc anyway.
At the same time, it shouldnt be a big deal to simply inform his parents of his intentions to marry this girl. They can get engaged, wait a year so he can graduate, get a job and then get married. They will both be around 24 or 25 by then which is perfect.
If a man wants to make things happen, nothing can stop him.
If a man wants to make things happen, nothing can stop him.
I would 'politely disagree' here....... a 'man' has lots of people he cares about [his family] and he just can't go through with such life altering decisions without consulting/having their approval and stuff...and then there are financial issues to deal with too..
there are some people who do take such steps without consent/agreement of others.....and without thinking through their position , social and financial before marrying...but 'most' 'men' do have to take those factors into account before making a commitment to marry or say a final yes.
My friend and her bf have been together for almost 9 months. He is unable to inform his parents of his intention to marry her atm because the timing is all WRONG (for him) as he still has his studies to complete...whereas...the timing for her is all RIGHT as she has finished her studies..He finishes at the end of 2011..(he's only a couple of months older than her- both are 23)
They both want to marry each other right? The guy should stop pussyfooting around and tell his parents. The least they can do is formalise the rishta as mentioned earlier by means of an engagement. At least they'll know if the parents are okay with it, otherwise there would be no point in stringing along with the guy until he finishes studies, gets a job, etc.
I would 'politely disagree' here....... a 'man' has lots of people he cares about [his family] and he just can't go through with such life altering decisions without consulting/having their approval and stuff...and then there are financial issues to deal with too..
there are some people who do take such steps without consent/agreement of others.....and without thinking through their position , social and financial before marrying...but 'most' 'men' do have to take those factors into account before making a commitment to marry or say a final yes.
See this makes me question the man's intentions in the first place because -
If a man is so in need of others' approval, then why get involved with someone in the first place? Why drag someone through this and hurt them? As a girl, I know what my parents likes and dislikes. I know what they will approve of and disapprove of. I wouldnt get involved with someone I know my parents will not like and string them along for the sake of "love".
Also, simply talking to your parents and have an informal "baat pakki" or engagement is not a huge financial burden at all. In fact, if anything it would give parents more time to prepare themselves financially for what lies ahead.
Its about intentions. If someone wants to make things work, they can. Its not necessary to stage world war iii to make a point. You can go about it in a sensible manner too.
they both need to speak to their parents now. if parents agree then waiting wont be a problem. for example the guy should tell his parents about her now and tell them that he will marry after he finishes his studies. similarly the girl can speak to her parents aswell. if they agree then they can have a mangni or settlement.
akhir parahai ke doraan bhi tou rishte settle hote hain, aur parhai khatam hone ke baad shaadi ho jati hai"
all in all advice ur friend to not to go against her parents wish if they say no for the boy.
The reason he cannot tell his parents yet has to do with timing. They want their son to be financially stable (at least working full time) before he gets married. He is still compromising with her by telling my friend that he will let his mom know by May/June this year and his father will be informed in December (when he completes his studies). Now, as for my friend, she basically wants the ring on her finger now. I have told her that he is an amazing guy and she would be stupid to risk losing him (she can be a real drama queen sometimes but he still puts up with her) and to just wait it out. I guess that seems to be the general opinion here too so thanks for the replies and I guess all I can do is let her know she should wait and the rest is up to her.
Oh lol also..for those who were slightly surprised at them being so sure after just 9 months..within 2 weeks of meeting they knew they wanted to be together forever. Quite adorable actually =)
Wow. That is just being way too pushy. The guy just jilt her because she is being selfish and inconsiderate. Imagine this your female friend is having family issues, normal family drama and the guy keeps pushing her to tell her parents that she is dating him and he wants to propose to her. But for her the timing is all wrong and would further complicate stuff.
Do you think the guy in that situation should wait it out princess or dump your friend for his own selfish desires and needs?
Archangel: To be honest I can see both sides. It's bad timing for him because if he tells his parents NOW they will most likely freak out and (possibly) blame my friend for the situation and say that their shareef son would never have dreamed of doing anything like this if it wasn't for her (he really is quite shareef). However, on the other hand, my friend is at a age where she is getting many proposals because MA she is quite beautiful, very well educated and from a good family. There is only a certain time until which she can stall her parents. Lucky for her though, her bf loves her to bits and therefore understands her situation completely (probably better than she understands his).
The reason he cannot tell his parents yet has to do with timing. They want their son to be financially stable (at least working full time) before he gets married. He is still compromising with her by telling my friend that he will let his mom know by May/June this year and his father will be informed in December (when he completes his studies).
yes thats fine but there is no harm in talking now. the dude should tell his parents now and should assure them that he will only marry once he has a job etc. this way the parents will know what their son's choice is. because what if by the time he finishes his studies, his parents have already decided someone for him. abhi yeh hoga ke maa baap ko pata hoga ke unke bete ki choice kya hai....i'll say tell him to speak to either his mom or dad (if he cant tell both at the same time) and explain the whole situation calmly.
Archangel: To be honest I can see both sides. It's bad timing for him because if he tells his parents NOW they will most likely freak out and (possibly) blame my friend for the situation and say that their shareef son would never have dreamed of doing anything like this if it wasn't for her (he really is quite shareef). However, on the other hand, my friend is at a age where she is getting many proposals because MA she is quite beautiful, very well educated and from a good family. There is only a certain time until which she can stall her parents. Lucky for her though, her bf loves her to bits and therefore understands her situation completely (probably better than she understands his).
ok what i can understand is that he cannot tell his parents that he has been dating someone as they will get angry thinking how could he do that? right...ab jo hogaya so hogaya...he can tell them about her but without mentioning the dating bit...will there be a problem if he says "mom dad i like a girl whom i would like to get married with once i finish my studies"...if he can say that
then i think he should say "mom/dad there is a girl i like she is very nice and i would like to marry her once i have finished my studies and have a good job. i would like you to meet her and give me your verdict"......baat main maa baap ko involve karega tou unhe bhi tassali rahe gi ke baita apni marzi se shaadi nahi ker raha balke apni choice bata ke humse ijazat le raha hai.
you are not defending the boy are you??