One of my girls met a guy online and knew him for 9+ years. He’s in the middle-east. She’s in Canada. Couple years ago, he sent his proposal. After lots of tears and emotional blackmail, her parents finally said yes - she is set to be married by the end of this year.
Now, what concerns me most is her leaving everything she’s ever known and moving to UAE and living with someone who she’s emailed and phoned but never hung out with. Scary thought.
She’s got no relatives there - it’ll just be him and his folks. I am nervous *for *her.
So the question is - leaving your country and moving across the ocean for someone you think you know - wise or not?
I'm leading a little on the NOT side! Why doesn't she and her parents make a trip down there, just so she knows what to dream, wish, look for, in her future. Thats like a girl from the US who has never been to PK before, and getting married and moving there? Sorry but moving to another state is diff, but moving to another country is on an entirly different level. Not even that, have her and her parents ever seen the guy???
NOT. I mean have her parents done any investigations on the guy to make sure whatever he says is true. How about his parents/family? Have her parents contacted them, talked to them..etc...gotten to know each other. Parents usually have better judgement whether this guy is even legit for their daughter, but if it came down to her fighting for him and them giving in...dunno. I hope she checked him out thoroughly, marriage is a HUGE step.
She saw him briefly at the airport - glance or two. Again, a quick glance when he came with his parents to propose. They have never hung out, held a conversation in person, etc. Also, during the two years that it took for her parents to say yes, they did no major investigation. The two years was a huge drag regarding caste differences (she's a memon, he's not). So, yeah, I don't know but I think this is ridiculous.
What is it that she thinks she sees in him, that she can't find in a guy local to where she lives. And as parents, I can understand why they may not be happy about the rishtha, but in the end if they are to proceed with rishtha anything:
1) Parents need to investigate this guy, all relevant info
2) He needs to visit her home, where they live & they need to talk face to face. Marriage is not a small commitment.
3) Her parents need to visit him in the Middle East and see how he lives, where he lives...etc
Simply Marrying someone who you don't really know is a big gamble in itself & to top it off it is another country in itself. Again what is so special about this guy?
How he treats her is all that matters. How has he treated her thus far? Cause even if they were just 'chatting', the signs are normally all there. Please explain the emotional blackmail, meaning who blackmailed who. It is a warning sign.
Home sickness and living in a new country are not the things to worry about. I agree with Afro Sheen.
She mostlikely won't listen to anybody though if she's the one who convinced her folks.
You might as well put blindfolds on and start walking towards your daughters marriage.
Or in her case, shes the one walking blindly.
I actually think everyone walks into a marriage 'blindly'. You can know someone, see them everyday, talk to them everyday, hang out everyday, but nothing is like actually living with that person. Throw in a relationship = tricky!
I dont actually have any advice, just that marriage is overrated. We all need saving from it, even those who marry Brad Pitt.
She knows him for 9+ years and that is alot of time to get to know somebody. The only thing that is wierd is that they never met in person in all those years but may be they have their reasons. I think she probably knows him more than many other desi girls having arrange marriages. I think there is no reason to be concerned here.
9 years is a long time to get to know someone, but the fact they havent met or hung out at all, makes it all a bit risky. have they chatted on the phone by the way? what makes her trust him?
me and my hubby agreed to marry before meeting(we were in love too),but he's my cousin so there was an element of trust already there.
anyway, i hope it will work out for her if she insists on going ahead with it.
I guess it’d be the same if she got an arranged marriage - only difference would have been that the parents took over the responsibility of checking and verifying information to their satisfaction.
I have an Indian friend that met her current bf online, he lives in the states and she lives in Canada. She met him when she was 16 and shes 25 now. Her parents and his parents have no idea, but her sisters and his brother know. She says that she will be telling her parents about him soon.The difference is that she visits him after a couple of months cuz she lives away from home cuz of uni.
In your friends case 9 years is a LONG time, and I think she’s probably so deeply in love with him that she won’t see past him. The only thing I can recommend is istikhara, but after 9 years she’s probably set on marrying him. I wish her well :)
She knows him for 9+ years and that is alot of time to get to know somebody. The only thing that is wierd is that they never met in person in all those years but may be they have their reasons. I think she probably knows him more than many other desi girls having arrange marriages. I think there is no reason to be concerned here.
I agree with bebo 9 years is a long time.. hats-off to them for maintaining a long distance relationship for that long too.
9 years is nothing to maintain a long distance relationship.
these are the best and easiest relationships to maintain......never any expectations other than an email or a phone call......perhaps a token gift or two exchanged a few times a year.....maybe some hand-written mail once in a while.....
living with someone is another thing altogether........
i meant with her husband inshaALLAH
cuz usually middleeastern desi move to canada after living few years in middle east. especially after their kids need proper schooling.
