Long post- sorry in advance

Lifestyle Relationships
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Just feeling a bit sad and lonely

Besides my parents and husband, who i am soo grateful for to have in my life … i feel like others in my life are either just not there anymore, or we have superficial friendship/relationship which isnt what i want

We have a big social circle and i was “good” friends" with the wives of the couples.. we would hang out constantly for the past year and a half .. but now all of a sudden i dont hear from them anymore. Unless i call, unless i strike up a conversation, they are completely silent. I know sometimes people go through things and may back away from people cuz they want to be left alone- i get stuff like that . But these people are still active in their lives, im just cut out.

No fights, disagreements, nothing of the sort has happened for this to be happening.

And when i call someone out on them acting like this, they kind of deny it or throw it back on me. This one girl, Her hubby and mine are best friends. Yet when we hang out in person we are great. So the past few times ive messaged her she replies back (2 times now), “who is this” and i reply back saying my name. Once she said oh im sorry i didnt save your number, i got a new phone. And then i responded saying its okay.. how are you, etc. no response since.
Then a week later the same thing happened ! This was about 2 months or so ago

SO today i messaged her cuz we are going on a trip together and asking her some stuff about, and i mentioned that i didnt get a response from my fb message yest so im trying again today. She said i didnt get anything via TEXT. I said no, i didnt message you on text and i stopped doing that cuz when i do, you respond saying who is this, so i messaged you on fb instead. She replies “wow ok. I NEVER respond to you?” Acting all offended. I said no, i didnt say that. Im just saying the past few times you didnt.

This pissed me off so much because i made a comment on how she did not respond to me, and she is getting mad cuz i said something about it.

Ive confronted her about stuff like this in the past, and she said to my dace “out of sight out of mind”, so i backed off completely. One time, she broke down and said sorry and that she doesnt mean to make me feel bad. She wants us to hang out cuz she likes me and whatnot and that she’ll change cuz she knows what she did was wrong. Nothing changed.
I only Messaged her now cuz of this trip

Anyway this is just one example. Another girl and i used to talk almost everyday, now weeks go by and if we do end up talking i get the same old “i was busy” response

So both of these “good” friends, and other friends, ive just completely
stopped. If they reach out to me, fine, otherwise, thats fine too.

It makes me feel lonely.. i feel like i dont have friends ..

And the cherry on top? My in laws (99%) have been really nice to me. My bhabi and i are really good friends. But recently i found out it was all a lie, and my hubby said to stay away from them cuz they constantly backbite against us (me and him). Wtffffffff. And its over the stupidest **** too, but thats another post entirely.

Im so lonely.

Sorry for the long post. I need to vent. And maybe get some pointers on i dont know .. how to stop caring about having good friends around me? I like being able to share good and sad news with others, to spread joy and take comfort in sorrow.

It makes me question myself as a person. Am i that ****ty of a person?
And ive changed myself a little, to not call out anyone like that anymore, and not to try getting too close.. cuz if they were interested, they would keep in touch. Ive done my bit of trying, for a very long time.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
:hugz:

Can I suggest one thing: pick up the phone and call.
Stop “messaging”, “texting” or “whatsapping”.
Just dial the number and have a real conversation in which you can hear the tone of voice clearly.
And if possible…go meet up with people. Even if it’s just for an hour for coffee…or a lunch hour…or whatever. Get some time in real life and not virtual life.

Life is busier than it used to be.
And while we think that geographic distances have been reduced by all this “connectivity”, in some cases, they have grown leaving people with gaps in their lives.

As for having done your share…we all feel this way sometimes.
Don’t dwell on that sensation.
Take a break and then go at the mountain again.
Devote a little more effort on those that you truly value. The others…well you can let them go and see if they come around.

Don’t be so critical of yourself so quickly.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

Ive picked up the phone and called too ! I get the same response when asked in person “oh, i didnt get it” or “oh, i was busy”. Yet when in person, i see them constantly on their damn phijea, so i know trhy are lying. At the end of the day, mobody is THAT busy ALL the time where they cant respond via text or calling. Its a choice at some point. And yet, when i go silent, i get questioned about it, and im like, im going like, tit for tat hun, open your eyes and wake up.

I value these people though, yet i feel like i want to know what ive done to let this happen, and when asked about it in the past, they ended up always saying sorry and that it wouldnt happen cu they understood, and would even thank me for bringing it up. Yet- here we are - AGAIN

These arent the only friends i have, there are others.. but theyve done it enough where i dont want to put in that effort anymore either.. ughhh this is soooo upsettinf and im so unhappy about it.

So i just shut up about it and let it be. Hence, superficial friendship.

One girl, she literally has ko freinds, had gotten really close to me over the past year.. and she found a new girl a few months ago- and now they are inseperable. I feel like this third wheel now. I was like, iiiiii was the one who was with you and helped you theough the highs and lows of your life- yet when you found a new friend - i barely hear from you now. Wth.

I feel like i get replaced alot

:slightly_frowning_face::slightly_frowning_face::slightly_frowning_face::slightly_frowning_face:

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

Just for a reality check- you said all of the people who have been friends with you, are behaving this way- could it be anything to do with your personality? May be you come across as perhaps dominating or not warm enough or too opinionated- it could be anything so i would suggest you do self analysis too. i am suggesting this because you said that all of the people are distancing from you, so may be its not them and may be its you.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

I would suggest not reaching out to “friends” like that. You can’t force friendship on anyone and if they are ignoring you or coming up with lame excuses even after you trying to patch things up then it is not worth trying over and over again. You answered your question when you said no one is that busy that they can not reply back to your message for days at a time. What are your interests, hobbies? You can try taking a class in your community to meet new people. You can try websites like meetup.com to see what kind of events are going on in your area and join a group.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

You will not find sincerity and class here, despite my advice my wife tried for 15 years and after 15 yrs and so much time and effort she realized I was right, we got screwed by her family, my family, and the community. I volunteer with our club and they are an amazing bunch of people, spend lots of time in nature working out, cooking etc. Maybe see if you can join a volunteer group, it is extremely fulfilling.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

That is actually really good advice, that is the one thing I forgot to mention, volunteer! You can volunteer at a hospital, senior center, tutor children, soup kitchen, and so much more. You meet a lot of people this way and it also keeps you occupied.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

^^It really helps to integrate in the society and many volunteers have such positive energy, I find that I get rejuvenated by these interactions, Korma biryyani gatherings, insincere behavior used to be draining.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

You are trying too hard. Sometimes what happens is that people get too busy with their own stuff and you aren’t just on their priority list.
So keep a balance. If they aren’t texting, it’s okay. You have other things to do too.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

Please don’t be offended but I think you’re trying too hard and that is also making you sensitive.

It sounds like you’re really lonely and I get that but the kind of friendships you’re looking for take time and a lot of work.

I second the volunteering suggestion and lowering your expectations of people. Nowadays, people have too many commitments and hectic schedules and end up responding less to people as a result.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

You are right where you say, no one is ‘that’ busy and if people want to stay connected, they will. So may be try making new friends. If I were you, I wouldn’t bother with people where friendship looks like one sided affair.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

That’s what I’m saying too.. I’m thinking it is me .. that’s why I’ve changed a little already in know I deal with this.. by not doing the same things I used to.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

Volunteering etc is something I’ve always wanted ro do, unfortunately never actually did it though..
I think I will actually start to, and I have tried meetup, once, it didn’t go well. It was a girls only group, and I didn’t click with anybody except one, and we kept in touch and hung out a few times, but that soon fell off too.
I kept meaning to find other groups as much, but haven’t

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

No offense taken at all !! And you are right, I have stopped trying to hard and just let it be. But I thought friendships take effort to build it.. I guess it’s the wrong people I chose to try with

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

Our culture is very complicated, we used to be very warm, generous to a fault cooking whole lambs, buying extravagant gifts etc and I was told that if you are overly nice with desi people it goes to their head and they think you are lower than them. They treated my wife exactly the way you are being treated. One family who had never set a foot in a luxury hotel, we paid for them to come with us we paid for 5 star rooms for them, bought them dinner in restaurants facing ocean etc and the moment we got back the lady found an excuse to yell at my wife. Canadian people haven’t been like that. Once we chased them off they begged for our friendship but my wife wasn’t interested. I would suggest dont limit to desis.

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

^^ wow so they totally used you and your wife. rather than being grateful for having such good friends, they turned on your wife.

I think that’s the general consesus here .. just don’t give others the time of day if tehy aren’t to you, which makes sense .. but then again, it’s not so easy to make new friendships either.

But I gues I’d rather be alone than have crappy relations

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Re: Long post- sorry in advance

I won’t understand hyprocisy amongst people either though. like, in the example I gave warlier.. when my “friend” was on her phone the entire time not even bothering to talk to me, it was okay. The minute I whipped up mine to play games etc, she commented how I wasn’t paying attention to the movie we were watching.

Ugh. Stuff like that really gets me annoyed. I will have to treat them the say they do me.

Speaking of these same girls who act this way- I’m supposed to be going to party to meet them next week, I won’t pay attention to them and do my own thing. They’ve done the same to me in similar gatherings. And in one particular instance, one girl completely ignored me (again, same group of people we were hanging out with), while her 2 bff’s were there. The minute they left, I noticed how she managed to try to stick with me afterwards. I called her out on it and she broke down saying sorry blah blah.

Screw that ****. She’ll gee that back at her