Do they work, my eldest and this girl like each other for a while? Last night he brought her over and told me that as of yesterday they are dating and asked for my opinion on it and I was unable to tell him anything. He says she likes him a lot. This girl seems very polite and is from a nice family, plays the piano is good at studies and has traveled the world.
I fear that distance may prove to be a problem and also there might be a distraction. The other aspect is that they might like someone else at their respective unis. I am just afraid one of them might get hurt. What should I tell him. I have told him to not get too attached and go slow.
I just feel that these are the best years of their lives they will meet hundreds of young people, they can go out have fun, flirt party and enjoy themselves rather than stuck a 1000 mile apart from your girlfriend. I am all for it if it works out but would hate for them to have wasted the best years of their lives. But then Uni is only 8 mons here and he comes back for Christmas.I have to be very cautious though as they have the propensity to blame me if anything goes wrong. I 5 starred him once while teaching him to ride the bicycle and he won’t let me live it down.
I am so happy that they feel comfortable enough to discuss everything with me. I had previously allowed him to host a NY party and I overheard them planning to invite girls and I told him that he shouldn’t be pursuing any other girls if he is thinking of getting involved with one. He admitted that he was being foolish and he shouldn’t be looking at any other girls. With all the garbage out there he should try to make this one work. I am guiding him to be a gentleman, call and text her regularly, do things for her and express his feelings. I hope no one ends up with a heartbreak 18 is so young.
Yup, you’re right…18 is very young. Looking back on my past…I now feel even the emotional energy I wasted on my various crushes at the age of 18 was fazool; I could have used my time for better things. I take it that both of them are 18…correct? Realistically speaking not a lot of 18-year-olds marry the same person that they fall in love with. It can happen…but it’s not common. There are so many changes that will take place from that age going forward…such as college life, working towards your professional degree, etc etc…and it’s 4 years to get through college. The point is that long-distance is not the only issue here; it’s long distance combined with a wide stretch of time. And this combination provides a lot of room for one to move on from the other as a result of the natural self-exploration process that comes with adolescence, and it even allows room for one thing to lead to another…if you know what I mean.
In my opinion, being a gentleman is not only about keeping in contact with a girl and respecting her…it’s also about respecting boundaries…including physical boundaries …that helps to preserve the dignity and izzat and akhirat of both the guy and the girl…but especially the girl. The problem these days is that both men and women don’t stay within their limits…not before marriage…not during marriage, etc etc. And I say this in a general away; I’m not attacking your son or your parenting. I’m merely sharing my views about relationships today. Being sweet and helpful and caring and attentive is something that both a guy and girl can do; that’s not the hard part. The challenge these days is to stay within boundaries and limits; to maintain your honor and the honor of the other person…a concept that is “old fashioned” these days…but there was a time when it was considered an integral part of chivalry. And this is something that depends on one’s religious beliefs too; your beliefs may differ from mine. I understand that not all people in their 20s and 30s and 40s have their act together. I understand that marriage does not come with guarantees; people betray each other even within the bonds of matrimony. I get that…don’t need to hear anecdotes about this. But I believe that when you’re at a stage in your life where you’re feeling more stable and thinking about marriage…then you’re “more likely” to get to know the guy or girl with that naik purpose in mind. If that goal is very far off into the future…there’s just greater room for things to go wrong. It’s like let’s say you’re only a few yards away from the finish line of a very very long race; you’re more likely to stay focused. But when you have many, many, many, many miles to go…it’s easier to get tired, or bored, or distracted, or to quit. The relationship mindset of even the most mature 18-year-old will differ from the mindset of let’s say someone in their early to mid 20s. And once again, I know exceptions exist even among much older people…but I’m speaking generally here.
Anyhow, I typed up my post in a calm tone and frame of mind. I’m not attacking you; nor do I want an argument. You asked a question in this thread and I provided my 2 cents. You’re welcome to take it or violently hurl it, lol. I will say that it’s a really, really great thing that your son has a very open relationship with you and did not hide it. More often than not kids are secretive. So, mashaAllah when you both share this strong bond…then it allows you, as a parent, to discuss with your son various matters in greater depth including precautions and pros and cons both in the long-term and short-term.
^^ Thanks for your input, I have seen many young ladies marry their high school sweethearts, Both are very unique kids. If she wasn’t as nice as she is I might have tried to dissuade him but at 18 he is a man and in all honesty, should make his own decisions. Even if a relationship does not work a person grows from the experience, Who I am today is because of all the relationships I had. Women here are not as vulnerable as back home and more than often rather than being the victim they are the perpetrators. Last night there was a disturbance at the party and the way she handled herself and helped clean up and calm my boy down etc was amazing. She asked to stay over and we told her she is always welcome too. She picked up garbage and tidied up. She is already acting like family.
My two cents: It does work in different situations and sometimes it doesnt. There is no hard & fast rule as it varies upon the scenario and persons involved. The only thing I would say is that the two people MUST do the closure asap and remove the “long distance” as quickly as possible. Anything in limbo is unreal.
My boy is out of town for Uni so that might not change for 4 years. With his course load maybe long distance is better as he won’t spend that much time away from studies. He comes back is April for 4 months. I think with the high testosterones and emotional insecurities a mature caring and loving female maybe good for him. My wife gave her the biggest hug as she is already acting like family.
I met my husband when he was 15 and i was just turning 13 and were in a long distance throughout the 15 years we dated Mashallah. If they click, they click..you have to give them a chance.
Also, my sisters met their respective husbands in high school as well and Mashallah after dating for 10ish years they both are married. You cant time these things, they just happen
They only risk is a heart break? Isn’t that risk in a relationship always? We think we are better equipped to handle it as we grow older but the truth is its just as bad whenever it happens.
Encourage him, tell him how to treat a girl right, from time to time remind him of a healthy balance and his future responsibilities towards his parents and his wife. Make him a man you would want him to be rest let fate handle..
Thank you, I already had the conversation with him about fidelity and about treating her right. He thought once he leaves he could party as usual and I told him he has to be honorable. She seems to be the nicest girl in the group, she has a black belt in Karate and is also really smart and really, really cares for him. We are not traditional parents and my biggest wish is for them to be happy and independent and will certainly not wish or ask them to look after us. We have a lot of hobbies and plan to camp around when we get old rather than be clingy to our children. All the boys in his group got cheated on, so if he finds someone sincere than that is awesome. They were set up by his kindergarten best friend, she really liked him but she is a hardcore belligerent feminist and he doesn’t want to experience that.
Your story of a successful relationship is so heart warming.
My boy is back at Uni, he is much different now and calls us regularly and seems so at peace. I was right about him needing a girl to keep him grounded. Girls are so mature compared to boys. In around 7 to 8 years I would love to have a little Czech grandson and teach him to play hockey and play ball with him. He says she is growing on him and he is starting to like her a lot.
So Safy came back for four months now and his relationship seems to be thriving, one day he stayed at her house, one day she stayed here. Today they are going out and then will come back to our house. I told him to keep her happy and excited. They are planning on going to the mountains for camping. I am a bit leery on letting them drive on the highway. She is a better driver than him. She has outdoors skills also, she has hunted bears, wolves etc. Her dad is an avid Hunter. I am so happy with my parenting decisions and happy that I taught him to camp and hike. They are planning to hike up the Sulphur Mountain in Banff.
Safy was saying he wants to take things real slow because he wouldn’t want to get hurt and she is his first gf. I told him they seem to be so right for each other and sometimes the first is the best girl and he may never find someone like her again so he understood.
he was also saying he wouldn’t want to be whipped but I told him that women are emotionally smarter and he should follow her lead.
