Hi guys,
My sister inshallah will get engaged towards the end of September. The guy has a family but there all in Pakistan and he’s the only one in the US. We got the rishta through a rishta lady and they’ve been talking for awhile. However, I don’t know how we’re going to bring the logistics of the engagement up. My parents have talked to his parents and they said to coordinate with the guy because they obviously won’t be there. Since the relationship is relatively new, my parents haven’t really said much neither has my sister. Although, my parents did mention an outfit and a ring. However they didn’t explicitly say bring a ring and we want money for an outfit. We decided that we would just each buy our own clothes and not have to worry about that part. He has some relatives here like cousins but he’s not sure they will be able to come. We’re worried it might look awkward that he doesn’t have a family in front of our guests which is turning into around 80 people.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what we can do? We could just have it at my parents house but it’s too small to hold all of my family and extended family which is why we decided on a hall. We originally wanted only a hall for 50 but the cheapest we could find was a hall for 80 people. Any ideas?
Is it an option to NOT do it at all? It seems kind of pointless when he hardly has any family here.....just do a private, small baat pakki and then save all the hungama (and $$) for the actual nikkah/wedding.
I agree with Sara516. If the guy doesn't have ANY family that are guaranteed to attend the engagement ceremony, why is your family having such a fancy event? It's weird. Just do a small, informal baat pakki at your parents house with immediate family and save $$$ for the actual wedding.
That's what we wanted at first as well. Especially since the rishta is relatively new. However, my parents house is pretty small
And we a large extended family. It gets pretty cramped, pretty fast. So we were ok we'll get a community hall but those are actually much more work than an actual banquet hall. We then opted to do it in a hall that's attached to a restaurant and there minimum requirement is 80 people. That's how we ended up with that number. The people were inviting are mostly my sisters friends and extended family. There a couple of people from our community but we have really put it at a minimum.
The other issue is that both my brother and I got big functions mine being a Nikkah and his being an engagement before we got married. My parents feel bad if they don't do this for my sister as she definitely deserves it.
The other option would be to just immediate family which is around 10 people and to do it at the house and go out to dinner later. I also suggested that we can get a photographer and they can have an engagement photo shoot.
I tried telling all this to my parents but their thinking is that let things happen the way they already are because preps have already started.
i would suggest to host a small event like baat pakki at your home and invite your immediate family only. As others suggested, you can do big functions at the time of wedding when the guys family would also be there. Also, one big part of engagement is rasams done by the in-laws but you wont have them here so i don't see a point of having such a ceremony. you can just go for baat pakki at home and then the next day you can send over the mithai to your extended family.
The** other issue is that both my brother and I got big functions mine being a Nikkah and his being an engagement before we got married. My parents feel bad if they don't do this for my sister as she definitely deserves it.**
The other option would be to just immediate family which is around 10 people and to do it at the house and go out to dinner later. I also suggested that we can get a photographer and they can have an engagement photo shoot.
I tried telling all this to my parents but their thinking is that let things happen the way they already are because preps have already started.
Please tell your parents to STOP comparing the 3 of you. Planning a wedding is not a competition. It needs to be while keeping in mind the preferences of the individual couple AND the specific situation.
The option of having it at the house with immediate family (around 10 people) and maybe 2-3 close friends of your sister is the best idea.
At the end, if your parents don't care that a "engagement" party with only the girl's family and the groom by himself will look stupid....then there's nothing you can do.
BTW, I find it interesting that you kept mentioning your parents over and over but no mention of the bride. What does your sister want? Does she want a fancy engagement party? Is she ok with having a engagement party with only the groom and no one else from his family?
That's what we wanted at first as well. Especially since the rishta is relatively new. However, my parents house is pretty small
And we a large extended family. It gets pretty cramped, pretty fast. So we were ok we'll get a community hall but those are actually much more work than an actual banquet hall. We then opted to do it in a hall that's attached to a restaurant and there minimum requirement is 80 people. That's how we ended up with that number. The people were inviting are mostly my sisters friends and extended family. There a couple of people from our community but we have really put it at a minimum.
The other issue is that both my brother and I got big functions mine being a Nikkah and his being an engagement before we got married. My parents feel bad if they don't do this for my sister as she definitely deserves it.
The other option would be to just immediate family which is around 10 people and to do it at the house and go out to dinner later. I also suggested that we can get a photographer and they can have an engagement photo shoot.
I tried telling all this to my parents but their thinking is that let things happen the way they already are because preps have already started.
Again, why can't you save all those big functions for the actual nikkah/wedding? As Pahelii said it will look extremely weird and frankly stupid to have a party withonly YOUR family there.
I can't believe I'm about to say this and I never ever ever thought I'd have this stance but people are just so extra these days. So many functions, so over the top and for what? to show off.
I get it, people are extra. Plus the people we are inviting have come twice before. I've expalined This and multiple other ideas to my parents. They just don't get it. The problem is that my brothers in laws are very close to my parents and they want to come plus my dads siblings are here as well. We all live in the same city within 20 minutes of each other. If you invite one person the other is going to feel slighted. I'm for inviting these people, what I don't agree to is inviting people that we have invited multiple times before. We want to keep it at 50 people which is our extended family a couple of my sisters friends and my brothers in laws. Problem is that no one will give us a hall for 50 people unless we do it in a community hall. Where your responsible for tables and chair rental yourself and set up and clean up not to mention food. It ends up being the same amount. I agree with what you guys are saying but my parents necessarily don't. I asked my sister what she wanted exactly and if that she wants it at the house we can still do it we would just lose the deposit which wasn't that much to begin with. She said that she's already told her friends and co workers and that to do it at the hall. We aren't trying to show off and frankly these are the least amount of people we have invited to any of our previous functions. It really is a matter of space esp when my parents house is an inner city house and not a suburban one with ample amount of space and a big back yard.
I agree with what you guys are saying but my parents necessarily don't. I asked my sister what she wanted exactly and if that she wants it at the house we can still do it we would just lose the deposit which wasn't that much to begin with. *She said that she's already told her friends and co workers and that to do it at the hall. *
Well if the bride herself wants the event at a hall and doesn't care that it'll look stupid, and your parents (who are paying for the event) don't care either....then why are you looking for suggestions on alternatives? The bride and the parents are on the same page; they haven't asked for and don't seem interested in your opinion at this point.
Best thing for you would be to let them handle everything and enjoy the event.
Does your sister's fiancé not have any friends in town? If he's living in the same city, then he's bound to have some close friends. Why not have them attend in lieu of his family? Plus you guys can always arrange for a quick Skype chat with the groom's parents before or after the party just to make the feel included in the festivities.