I’ve been living with my in laws for about a year. They are nice people and we have no real issues and for that I am grateful.
I work full time and very long hours and I am struggling a bit with what I see as lack of space. As soon as I get home my mother in law will start talking and telling me really long stories and what is left of my evening passes this way. She is still fairly Young but she spends most of her day at home so doesn’t see many people and as the only other female in the house or only one willing to listen she perhaps thinks I am really interested (my husband I’ve noticed just looks totally disinterested or wanders off so she doesn’t say much to him).
Im struggling with this because I really need time to unwind after work spend some time with my husband, watch some tv, read a book, even just to sort out/tidy my things! I can’t do any of that because I’m pulled into these conversations I feel it’s rude to interrupt her and excuse myself. I’ve also heard so many stories where in laws complain the girl just goes up to her bedroom and doesn’t spend time with them.
i really want to move out but finances aren’t allowing it at the moment.
Re: Living with in laws and space
i don’t see any big issue here that compels you to move out.
you can solve the issue in a subtle way like when you are back to home after work, sit with your MIL for 20-25 mins, have a cup of tea with her, chat and then excuse yourself by saying that i will be back after freshening up. you really don’t have to be back in few mins, you can take as long as you want and if she asks, you can tell that you were feeling so tired that you lay down for a while, or that the things in the room or wardrobe were really scattered so you were organizing that. Also just throw the statement like “Oh i don’t know how time flies, there are so many things that are left unfinished because i just don’t have much time left after work”. i think she will get the hint with this and would also begin to realize that since you are not home most of the day, you automatically don’t get much time to do other stuff.
Since you living with them, i assume that you all do dinner together, so you do spend enough time with them and there is no reason why they would compare you to the girls who go to their bedrooms straight away and don’t spend time with in-laws.
Re: Living with in laws and space
Your husband needs to buck up here. He’s the son and he needs to sit down with his parents and give them time. Just because he’s living with them does not absolve him of his responsibilities. While your attention makes her happy, her son sitting down with her is going to make it twofold. He’ll have to fake it but if you can do it, so can he.
You also need to be firm. Make a routine for yourself and stick to it. She obviously isn’t picking up social cues when to stop and since you aren’t telling her you have other things to do she can’t read your mind.Just keep one time that you must get up and stick to it. Tell her oh, I need to start cleaning up today at 7 so I can be done before dinner before the conversation starts. I doubt she’s going to get angry when you excuse yourself. You could take your mil out for lunch once in a while so she knows there’s a time constraint you need to follow for office breaks and she gets a break from home.
Re: Living with in laws and space
I do sympathise but not sure it’s worth ruining your good relationship with her, unless you can get time for yourself more subtly or without upsetting her.
In addition to the above suggestions, for stuff like tidying your room you can just say that you have some stuff to do in your bedroom and would she mind if you two talk whilst you do that? For spending time with your husband or getting some alone time, that’s your husband’s responsibility. After dinner some days he should excuse the both of you.. whether that’s so you guys can watch tv together or so that you can get some time for yourself… he should instigate it.
Re: Living with in laws and space
Yeah, the husband can definitely pop in and say hey, mom, can I borrow my wife for a while if you guys aren’t busy. The mil won’t mind that at all if her son is the one requesting.
Re: Living with in laws and space
OP, encourage your husband to spend time with his mom not only because it would allow you to wind but because it’s important to do so. I don’t think you should give your mil an excuse and tell her that you’ll be “brb” when you don’t intend to. It may work the first few times and then she’ll either catch on to what you’re doing or she’ll think you’re unreliable…both of which could leave her feeling offended/hurt. Be honest with her and tell her that you’re feeling tired and want to rest for a while…or tell her that you have got this new book that you’re excited to read and that you’ll tell her how it goes and that way you’ll make her feel included in the book but also excuse yourself to engage in it. And a book, for instance, is something that is a continuous activity so she will understand that you’ll be investing time in this activity…and therefore she’ll know that it’s expected. When it comes to husband…you can say in a friendly way that “Now that I have heard all about ur day, let me go find out how husband’s day went and give him some time too otherwise he might get jealous that I give u more time, lol”… Much of it depends on how you word it. If you express it in a warm way, I think she’ll be more understanding. Your husband can try to let his mom know that he needs to “borrow you for a while”…but…this would prolly go more smoothly if husband himself is giving time to mom regularly so that it doesn’t create feelings of competition. And I may be wrong, but I think he can only repeat the “I need to borrow my wife” up to certain point before it starts sounding …um…kinda inappropriate…lol.
Re: Living with in laws and space
Thanks everyone for your advice.
The reason why I can’t excuse myself is actually because she is extremely talkative like one of those people who just goes on and on and one story just leads to another and another so the only way would be to interrupt her mid way and that then comes accross as rude in my opinion. There are very few natural breaks in her conversation. My own mother loved to catch up too but it would be brief and if not there would always be a break between stories/subjects where I could excuse myself if needed.
my husband is always the one who drags me away when it is getting close to my bedtime otherwise I would be there all night. Maybe I should ask him to do it an hour or two earlier so we have a bit of time to unwind before bed. I just don’t want to seem rude by hanging around for ten minutes and then going straight up but it’s reassuring to know you don’t think its that bad a thing to do so maybe I will tell him to do that.
I guess I can also ask him to try to show more interest in her interests so I can get away and do my things.
Its so much easier when it’s your own parents. No matter how great your relationship is with your in laws there’s always some degree of formality.
Re: Living with in laws and space
pretend to dose off while she is talking.
Re: Living with in laws and space
Use your husband…tell him to pull you away or come and tell you the room is a mess and needs tidying.
Re: Living with in laws and space
You said in laws, what about your MIL’s own husband ( FIL)or other kids?
Re: Living with in laws and space
Why don’t you and hubby buy a place.
Re: Living with in laws and space
ah this is like me, my own MIL talks loads because she works with kids all day. Her stories always go off on a tangent as well. Ive dealt with it by just listening to one or two and showing a considerable amount of interest and then just going upstairs lol usually i will make a point of saying i need a early night today/couldnt sleep that well last night and then my husband will follow lol or he’ll use that excuse and before you know it we are spending time upstairs. Do you have any SIL/BIL?
Re: Living with in laws and space
Yeah spend 30 min just to keep her happy, she clearly loves your company so don’t ruin the relationship..and then excuse yourself saying you have to change or take a shower and then spend rest of the time doing whatever you want to do..it’s not that big of a deal to excuse yourself if done respectfully
Discuss with your husband..explain it in a nice way saying you love his mother and don’t want to disrespect or hurt her at all and ask him how you can excuse yourself..don’t discuss moving out as an option yet
Re: Living with in laws and space
You already know what the problem is and already have 2 great solutions.
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Ask your husband to end the night about an hour earlier than he does right now.
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Tell him that he needs to spend time with and show some interest in HIS mother! There is no reason why he can’t spend at least an hour every evening talking to her while you un-wind/take some time for yourself. In return you can also spend a bit of time with her so he can go un-wind.