Living in Pakistan?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Whenever someone mentions getting married to a cousin or someone from abroad, its always the guy or girl moving to the western country. No doubt there are many opportunities here but if someone is already established in Pakistan, then can the girl not move there?

Basically, many of the people on gupshup are aware of my situation - I am interested in someone and we both like each other very much, he loves me – I’m the typa girl who professes her love after marriage.

I told my mum about all of this, she was happy but just doubtful of history repeating itself which is natural for someone having gone through so much. From what I know, my Saas is a difficult person apparently but I have spoken about this to my Fiancée. The Saas issues is nothing big for me as all of my phuphos are like that and not one of them is worse than my dad so I feel like I can handle it.

The issue is that I don’t want to live in the UK:

  • There is no ronak here for one
  • Most of my close family/friends are over there and I feel like I have spent far too much of my life away from them.
  • I am having difficulty getting employed whereas my Fionce will be able to support me very well there.
  • I feel that my dad will never let us live as a couple, there will never be that privacy we want, that independence that I want.
  • My dad has already ‘gifted’ me a house to live in with my future spouse ( I don’t want it, don’t like it --call it ego or whatever )
  • Now he wants to take out a mortgage on my name ( I feel this will tie me down in the UK for ever)
  • The economy isn’t that brilliant, its not the green land anymore.
  • I don’t want to have to marry my fiance and then come back and live away from him, look for an 18 grand job, do the paperwork and in all of this be living with my dad.
  • I don’t feel like I will miss too much of the UK as I never had much of a chance to see anything so there isn’t anything I will miss if that makes sense.
  • I want to adopt the traditional role of a wife ( I feel like I have had enough of being a man, studying - looking for work etc)
  • I am certain that if things did go wrong, I would be comfortable in supporting myself.

My fionce knows all this and understands and just wants us to be together and he doesn’t mind where.

I call him my Fiance even though we are not technically engaged yet but its like an un said official thing for me, my mum, him and my dad although he doesn’t know I converse with him.

Anyhow basically my question was, is it really hard to adjust to life in Pakistan? What are the differences, culture differences etc? Anything I should re-consider, think about?

My only worries about relocating there are

  • Snakes and other creepy crawlies
  • The heat ( I get heat stroke and faint, and have the summer version of SAD)

I’m just asking because I have read this forum top to bottom but you hardly ever see threads of someone moving back home and how that works out and all. So just wanted advice, stories, tips - anything basically.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

Ive been in pakistan for 3 weeks. So I guess I shouldnt respond, but Im going to anyway.

Your going to go from the UK to a third world country. Think polution, dangerous area, and corruption. As a young pakistani girl, forget going outside by yourself. Your unhappy living with your dad, and you want to leave because of 1 person.

How are you going to handle dealing with a bunch of people, who will always be on your Saas's side. You mention Saas is disagreeable. Even if your husband is great, when he is at work for most part of the day, your going to be at home with the Saas.

Unless, your really welloff there, its not worth going back permanently. There is a big big difference staying there for a month, as vacation, knowing your going back home, vs actually living there with the lowshadding, target killing, massive inflation, and general corruption.

Even the food in certain places, is mixed with stuff, (like milk is mixed with water, to sell more) and recently mice meat was being used at a samosa shop.

When your inlaws start asking you for money when they get into a bind, your going to be all alone. If your in the UK, atleast you will have people to talk to in private, vs calling someone and having to deal with your saas listening outside your door. Sorry for being negative, but i want to prevent you from making a mistake.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

That's fine, this is exactly the stuff I want to hear!

We come from a small area where killing, terrorism and general corruption doesn't happen as far as I know. Quite the contrary, forced marriages are the most heard news about this side of Pakistan I have to say!

I do mention Sass is disagreebale, however I have heard this from my mum only and day to day issues from my fiance. The issues they mention seem nothing to me compared to the sort of stuff my dad does.

It will just be Saas as I will have a younger sister in law and she also has issues ( general day to day stuff I think ) with mom and fiance always jokes how I know have 2 ladies with shikayats at the end of the day. Me and talking about my dad ...his sister and mum.

I'm happy if I am able to cook what I want, without too much interference, have a good day without bickering or getting someone upset and some time with my husband to be occasionally!

Also there is the possibly of moving out and living with just my husband as its happened to both the elder brothers.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

Yhh I agree with the above post. It is sooo different going there as a holiday vs going forever. I don't think I could ever do it no matter how much I love future fiance. Besides your sooo lucky that your dad already has a house ready for you and hubby once he gets over Trust me, thats such a nice gesture i mean how many people do you know that actually get a house from their parents? And besides if you really hate it that much you could always stay there for a few years whilst saving to move. This means you'll be able to get all the privacy that you want since you wont be living under your dads roof once hubby has come over. All you have to do is be patient and wait it out a little while longer, at least until ur future hubby is over here.

Honestly, all in all, I really think your better off here in the long run since despite the economic issues, the UK is a lot safer and generally more secure than Pakistan. And God forbid you make this big massive move and come to regret it later on. I mean if your staying here then you could always just pop back to Pakistan to visit family and friends. Ohh and also, staying here means you'll get more feeedom in the sense that you'll be able to go out and earn for yourself and your husband, whereas there even if you were able to work, moat likely all the money would go to your inlaws in order to fulfil their demands and keep them sweet.

At the end of the day, you know what's best for you and future hubby so I hope you make a wise decision :)

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

Even if its a great place in certain areas, you will definately be losing some independence, and as for your SIL, she will still support her mom over you. As for the older brother moving out. You don't know what will happen in the future, maybe your mil, wasnt able to control her other DILs, and thinks " I will be strict with this one... again sorry for being a negative nancy, just worried as really think your making a mistake.

When you talk to someone on the phone, its like completely different from actually living there. Your mom is saying negative stuff for a reason,

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Living in Pakistan?

You know coffee girl, you should use the time you have here to still sponsor your husband. Can't you apply now instead of waiting? That way he will have his visas and you'll have more freedom if you decide to try living there for a while but can always come back with ease.

I wouldn't know about living in Pakistan but agreed with the people above, don't runaway just because of your dad. I am not caught up, why is that you have a hard time with him?
Once your a home owner you could rent or sell when your done with it? Maybe things will change when your husband starts living with you and give you a new perspective about where it is that you live. You could also travel easier and start fresh with him where you are. :)

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

First of all, there is nothing wrong with moving to Pakistan to live with your spouse. It all depends on the circumstances under which this happens.

I have a friend who married a guy from Pak. She moved there, lived there for 5 years, worked for a top notch multinational company where she held a director level executive level position, then had two kids and soon after they decided to move back to Canada. She was 24 when she moved there. She had already completed her education and had wonderful work experience prior to moving there and continued with that. Oh and her hubby was already very rich and had a great career in Pak.

Now let's compare that with your situation. Is your hubby and his family well-to-do? Because life in Pak is only comfortable for people that actually have money (especially since you plan to be a house wife from the get-go).

The other thing is....I believe you are quite young no? You say you are sick of taking the role of a "man" by studying and looking for a job? How many years of schooling have you already done? How much practical work experience have you actually added to your resume thus far?

What happens if you move to Pak, become a housewife from the get-go, have a few kids and then ALLAH NA KAREY (God Forbid), your husband passes away. Now you are left to raise these kids, support them financially with no resources.

Look, I'm all for the whole stay-at-home mom/housewife thing, but you got to be smart about it.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

When was the last time you actually went to Pakistan & for how long?

You seriously think STUDYING = being a man?

You're having trouble finding employment in the UK....but you really believe that in PAKISTAN you'll be able to support yourself if anything goes wrong? Could you please explain exactly what led you to so certain that you'll be able to find a job and support yourself in Pakistan.

So this is a pretend engagement? You dad doesn't even know you talk to this guy yet you're already planning on moving to Pakistan after the wedding? Do you see anything wrong with this picture? If you feel this guy is "the one" for you......why don't you focus on getting officially engaged with blessings fro both families...and THEN concern yourself with where you'll be living after the wedding.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

Oh and this isn't true. Nadz moved to Pakistan from UK after she got married. She also knew before the wedding that her MIL is difficult. You should go through some of her threads for the past 3 years to see how much she's enjoying life in Pakistan.

10

If you feel you can't stop your dad calling shots in your life even after you are married and living in your own place, then you are not yet ready to be married.

Forget about Pakistan, UK or Burkina Faso.

If you are not career focused that is fine, but I am not sure what sector pays £18K as the normal salary. Maybe for a first year worker with a bachelors and no experience, but shoot for the stars and you may land at the moon, shoot for the top of the powerline pile and that's all you are getting in UK or anywhere else.

You reasons seem to be around trying to get away from a bad home situation more than anything. Don't let distancing yourself from that dictate your path in life.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

I don't know what your relationship with your dad is,but being a "daddy's girl" I feel like i have an obligation to reference the a Quranic verse right about now..
treat your parents with kindness; if either of them or both reach old age in your presence, do not say "Uff"* to them and do not rebuff them, and speak to them with the utmost respect.And lower your wing humbly for them, with mercy, and pray, "My Lord! Have mercy on them both, the way they nursed me when I was young."
It is said when you smile at your father,it is equal to a sawab of doing hajj.With that out of the way, I do not know how you are expecting to find work in Pakistan if you cannot find one a stable job in the UK?Your Saas will only become a problem when you dictate her relationship with her son,offer her utter most respect and you will get the same in return.If you do not then God will witness your kindness towards her and reward you for it.Its hard to make a move from the global north to the global south.Yes, you may be able to spend a few months there but you cannot possibly live there for a very long time.Its hard.But best of luck

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

LADIES, NEVER NEVER NEVER, SELL ANY PROPERTY YOU HAVE BEFORE MARRIAGE. It will be near impossibe to make it after marriage, expecially if you need to sell it in the first place.

Keep it as rental income. Its a saftey net for you.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

You are young and able, go out and explore the world! Living in different countries, cultures and climates teaches you so many valuable life lessons and it genuinely broadens your mind.

If living in that cold, grey and rain soaked Island is not bringing you the happiness and statisfaction you genuinely desire and deserve, by all means, take a flight somewhere else. You are lucky you have the option of travelling as far as Pakistan, having a home and opportunities to build a totally new life. If it doesn't work out, you can always come back. Treat life as an adventure and an endless journey, in a true sense of the word, you'll naturally start preferring adventure over routine.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

yea, just keep the number of british embassy on hand

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

I didn't know I could sponsor him at this moment, he isn't my husband yet. We aren't even officially engaged yet :)
Issues with my dad - It's pretty long and complicated but yes it involves abuse and lots of it towards my mum and anger issues and lots of control.

I am already a home owner but I don't know the legalities of it, I only signed the papers - officially I think I own a part of the property for some time after which it will be my sisters and her to be husband's and so on.

My fiance is well-to-do. He runs the family business and are the richest family in our family. I am young yes, in terms of age...I will be 20 this summer.

I have done the normal route, I am currently doing my 2nd year university from home in Law and finding it so difficult because of lack of schooling environment. By being a man, I also meant ever since I have been old enough to read write... I have been my dad's personal secretary - doing everything ranging from tax forms to looking after letters, email accounts, bank accounts...you name it ...I do it for my dad. My dad is very fussy and sometimes even the night before a major exam..I would be commanded to do so and so letter and would have to spend till the early hours of the morning doing it. If there was an offer or some sort of discount, my dad would basically use my name and get me to sign stuff and receive the discounts etc. I would be sat here forever if I continued :p

My career path at the moment is to get a basic admin role and climb the path of that into something more official. I have lots of work experience in the admin field withing various school offices, I also volunteered for 6 months at my local CAB where I gathered a load of experience and then within my local council...I did a some work as well. So i have experience in the work field ...its just that I have been unlucky in the sense that I have managed to secure temporary work rather than permanent.

Yes I feel I should be ok in that situation because I won't have my dad breathing down my neck as to what jobs I can do and what I can't do so there won't be that fear.

Last time was 8 years a go and it was for the summer holidays. Don't remember much about it.
I explained about the being a man part above and include the following points within that:

I also have to be a mom and dad to my younger siblings as my parents always are fighting and never ever talk to each other or are in their healthy minds to teach my sisters about life school etc. Then I have to be a messenger between my parents..you better not do this..you better go and explain this to your mum, you better go and tell your dad this. Most of my life has been like this and I am sick of it now.

No you miss understand me there. I have had my CV checked, my interview skills are up to date. Its not about not being able to find a job. Its about my dad's screening process, most jobs he won't agree to so I have to reject interviews and don't say that I should go to them...I would be dead the next day...life is more valuable to me. The jobs that I have permission to apply to are within my local postal area and there are not a lot of vacancies. I feel if I was able to apply to more jobs within a bigger area..I would have more success. So based on that, I feel supporting myself in Pakistan shouldn't be a big issue providing I have full freedom.

My dad has said to everyone that we will officially set stuff in stone when we come to Pakistan in the summer. My dad is very chalak. Inside he wants the match very much as my fiance's brothers lives here and was visiting us last week..my dad in secret asked him to ask his mum to send my fiances rishta to us. His family called up and spoke about us and then my dad goes, we will decide when we come. Now why ask and then say that? Or even what is the need to do this? My mum has no clue about this and my fiance and I were bout stumped about this issue. There is no doubt that my dad wants this, I just haven't told him that we talk ...I have only told my mum.

Oh and thanks for telling me about Nadz, will have a look at her threads :D

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

^ so he is your cousin? how old is he? is your mom happy with this rishta?

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

I see. So the last time you were in Pakistan....you were like 11/12. You need to go to Pakistan right now again and stay there at least 1-2 months MINIMUM. See what day-to-day life is like there for people....especially for women in the area where you will live in IF you move there.

1) Once you get married, you'll be living in a separate house from your parents right? What will prevent you from applying for whatever jobs you AFTER marriage in the UK? After 1-2 years of marriage, what will prevent you and your husband from moving to a different city in the UK if you want to? Do you honestly believe your dad will literally murder you?

2) The "provided I have full freedom" is a ridiculously major assumption/hope on your part. As I said earlier, visit Pakistan and see just how much freedom women have there in general compared to the UK. In addition, you're assuming/hoping/praying that your husband won't listen to "things" being said to him by his mother or other family members about YOUR choices. Start paying attention to Life1 threads. Plenty of women here thought/were promised one thing by their fiancés......yet once the nikah papers were signed, suddenly all the promises went away.

Again, people can say whatever they want but its their actions that truly matter at the end. You yourself wrote that your dad is very chalak and even your mother can't figure out what's going on in his head. So please save yourself A LOT of potential heartache by waiting until your father actually makes this engagement official before you start planning/dreaming about your married life.

For the record I don't have anything against people moving to Pakistan after marriage as long as they're doing it for the right reasons. In your case, you're barely 20 (ie. very young). And I feel that your desire to get away from your controlling father might be clouding your judgment regarding this idea of moving to Pakistan. Remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Believe it or not, it is totally possible for you to end up in a worse situation that you are in right now. So please truly evaluate your choices/decisions regarding this.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

Yes , he is 28 and yes my mom is happy and says, in rishto se bar kar aur to nai hote and she also says that she just does not want me to have to suffer what she suffered.

I know, :) that's why I am getting lots of opinions and asking for thoughts. Its not a done thing, I will obviously think about this more.

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

Seriously, you need to get chatting to your hubby about all this. Tell him that IF he does move to the UK with you then you want to live away from your parents and you want to work a little further away. If you and your husband have this convo and gain an understanding about this situation from day one, then it doesn't matter what your dad says since you and your husband would have already decided what you guys want to do regarding YOUR lives- not your dads life. At the end of the day once your married and in your own homes so to speak, its you who has to answer to your husband and vice versa not your dad anymore (although you will and should obviously still listen to and respect whatever he has to say.)

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Re: Living in Pakistan?

I think ppl are not grasping the amount of control that OPs dad has on her and other family me members. I think what she's trying to say that if she is in the vicinity he wwill somehow make her do what he wants. And it's easy for ppl to say k just say no to him, but when u have done things for years it's difficult to go another way especially when u know that ur mom/siblings will have to face his wrath if u displease him.
OP I think u can live a good life in Pakistan IF ur husband is well off. He is not dependent financially on his family. He is the sort to give ur relationship priority if things go sour with ur in laws. Or that he at least back u up while u live in the same house.

Btw we never talk about the FILs. U know I've realized that if the MILs had/have fulfilling relationships with their husband they do not try to fill some void with gaining control over their children. Then they are happy with their lives and don't mind seeing other ppl happy. But if the case is that the FIL was distant, busy, didn't care, didn't give quality time to their relationship, then generally children step up to keep their mom company and magically appears the mama's boy and the overbearing saas. (Surprise surprise the FILs are usually absent in providing any solutions to the problem and just let everything slide while they read the newspaper, clear their throats and change the channel on the tv). Just my observation.