A friend of yours has decided to become muslim. The reasons are his/hers alone and they feel they are ready to take this step in their life. The friend lives with his/her parents. His/her family does not know this, and their family members are not muslim. Infact their family would probably be very upset knowing this, and may possibly disown the friend (or maybe they wouldnt, but you are not sure and neither are they). The friend wants to continue learning about Islam and get deeper into the faith and wants to raise their children as muslim. The friend is uncertain as to whether they should tell the family, and at what point they should tell the family, if at all. There is a big fear of being “left all alone” by the family members and friends. The person is single, and therefore, no wife or husband to turn to for emotional support, only friends, but there is a fear of telling the friends as well, since many of the friends may leave the person, knowing the person has chosen Islam.
Your friend has come to you for advice. What would you advise your friend? Tell the parents as soon as they take shahada? Tell the parents before any marriage takes place to another muslim? Tell the parents when they have moved out of the house? What if they cant move out of the house until marriage? Live a lie and pretend to be of the parents faith, go through a marriage ceremony with rituals of the parents faith, raise the kids as muslims but pretend they are of the parents faith? Where to draw the line? Is it unfair to the parents and friends that a person hide their faith?
The example above can be about anyone, a person of hindu faith accepting islam, or even a muslim who really feels they are athiest but is hiding it from the family, etc. However I am asking about it in the context above. Thank you.
If he/she is sure about what they are doing... then at some point they woudl have to tell everyone...sooner the better. But he/she shudl be absolutely sure before taking this step.
You say that your friend IS ready..well then...he/she needs to tell... for lying isn't okay in any religion especially when it invloves deception.
Your friend needs to decide for her (or him) self when to tell others, just as she has decided for herself to take the first step. As a friend all you can do is offer support and listen without judging. The moment when she feels ready to tell all will come and she will be stronger for your support.
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*Originally posted by Shirin: *
Your friend needs to decide for her (or him) self when to tell others, just as she has decided for herself to take the first step. As a friend all you can do is offer support and listen without judging. The moment when she feels ready to tell all will come and she will be stronger for your support.
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So I shouldnt advise my friend in any way except offering support? I am finding this hard because my friend has asked me about this and really wants advice on it because they cant turn to anyone else regarding this,according to them. It seems they are very unwilling to tell family but dont know if its the right decision or not.
I honestly dont know what to tell them.
My friend is in university, mid-twenties and lives with parents and siblings.
Razae, you converted to islam and your family isnt muslim? Well I will ask my friend if they want to talk to someone else who is going through the same thing. If they agree I will contact you insha'Allah. Thank you for the offer of assistance, sweet of you, mash'Allah. smile
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*Originally posted by Samael: *
I find it funny that people want to convert to any relgion and have to ask others.
If someone is thinking of converting don't they already know why they're taking such big a step?
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Samael, there is no question of why they are doing it, the question is about when and if they should let others know about it. Two different things in many respects. The friend realizes that at some point the parents will find out, especially when the person has children, but there is a great fear of rejection from family. I think it is absolutely normal to be scared of rejection from the one group of people you have known all your life. It is a big step, and some find it hard to cope without any other support, whereas others dont.
In history you find that there were people at the time of the Prophet(SAW) that hid it from their family for many years, out of fear.
When people ask you for advice it's hard not to give it! Advice is a two edged knife. Even when asked it is best not to give it.
Why?
If you give advice and it is accepted and the outcome is successful, that person may come to be dependent on you for all of her decisions. If she accepts the advice and fails, she may reject your credibility or she may think that the basis on which you have made it is not solid or may even blame your beliefs. If you give her advice but she does not follow it and succeeds, she may similarly conclude that you really know very little, and she will probably not come back for help in the future. If she rejects the advice and fails, she may either resent you for seeming to prove her wrong, or she may become dependent on you. In any case you are not encouraging her to be resposible and independent and her self-confidence will likely be very low.
What do you want for her? helping a person to stand up for herself is not achieved by telling her what she should do......
What do you want for her? helping a person to stand up for herself is not achieved by telling her what she should do......
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Shirin, I do feel that sometimes giving advice or "guidance" as some call it, is good. But maybe not all the time. I am of the type that if someone takes my advice and later tells me that it was horrible, well, I just tell them that they shouldnt have come to me for advice in the first place in that case, and plus I often warn people that what I say may not be beneficial for them. So I leave it to them.
Yes, I do want my friend to stand on their own feet, which they have done uptil now, but the thing is that I have encouraged them from the beginning. I guess I will just encourage them to think about what solution they can live with. It seems at first they were inclined not to tell their family, but now it seems they are inclined to tell just after shahada. I am trying to be encouraging in this process, but dont know if I am succeeding or not. Please make du'aa for my friend, if you can. Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate it. smile
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*Originally posted by Shirin: *
When people ask you for advice it's hard not to give it! Advice is a two edged knife. Even when asked it is best not to give it.
Why?
If you give advice and it is accepted and the outcome is successful, that person may come to be dependent on you for all of her decisions. If she accepts the advice and fails, she may reject your credibility or she may think that the basis on which you have made it is not solid or may even blame your beliefs. If you give her advice but she does not follow it and succeeds, she may similarly conclude that you really know very little, and she will probably not come back for help in the future. If she rejects the advice and fails, she may either resent you for seeming to prove her wrong, or she may become dependent on you. In any case you are not encouraging her to be resposible and independent and her self-confidence will likely be very low.
What do you want for her? helping a person to stand up for herself is not achieved by telling her what she should do......
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Shirin, based on your logic one should not be giving advice ever, no matter what the circumstances are. Like you mentioned, there are always two outcomes to an advice and it is understood that things don’t always go as planned. Should that fear stop a friend from giving a suggestion or providing guidance? I’m afraid..I disagree with your logic. The person who is giving advice should not always assume that his/her advice will be acted upon. The person who is taking advice is more accountable for the outcome than the one giving it. He/She should not be hesitant about accepting or rejecting other person’s idea. An advice rejected politely is not as bad as an advice not taken at all.
p.s. Your advices are usually very sound and helpful. This forum wouldn’t be the same if it weren’t of your participation. If you keep your ideas to yourself, you will not be doing justice to anybody.
Advice in this case isn't going to help any. Your friend will have a tough time no matter what s/he chooses to do. Telling the family about a change in religion is sure to provoke the mother of all arguments. Not telling them will leave him/her with feelings of guilt.
I try really hard not to give advice... that is, I try not to say "You should/shouldn't do this...." or "If I were you I'd act this way....." Obviously being a human being I don't always succeed! Yes, I do believe that saying "I think you should do this.... " or "This is how you must act" is never right.
There is another way of sharing and helping people that can be mistaken for advice. It's called listening, supporting and informing.
What I do try to do is 1) listen and try and get the person to speak from the heart 2) share experience, but make it clear that the experience and choices were mine and due to choices I made 3) give ideas based on what other people I know or know of have done 4) assure the person that the choice they make is only theirs to make and that I cannot make it for him or her 5) ask questions about every aspect that needs to be explored but leave the answers to the other person, whi can share them if s/he wants.
In this way I am confident that the other person will make the best choice they are able to make at that moment, they have reasons for it., even if it is not the choice I like best or one I would have made. It's their life and they have to live with the results.
I have practised this for many years but I do slip up, so please let me know when you see me doing it!
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*Originally posted by Umer: *
Your friend will have to decide for herself. However I would say the sooner she tells her parents the better it is for her as well as for them.
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Umer, why do you think the sooner the better?
Shirin thanks for the clarification. That is generally what I do as well, but often times I dont have the experience or questions are asked with no relevant experience from others to share. There is a really neat hadith about cross pollination and what the Prophet(SAW) advised the people, which tackles this issue. Based on this and a few other things, I still personally feel its good to give advice if you feel it can benefit someone else. And its good to warn people when advising that it may not be beneficial to them. And if someone comes back and says well your advice wasnt good, then suggest to them politely to not consider coming to you for advice again, but that you'd be available if indeed they did. I've noticed that many people will still come to you for advice even if they never use your advice.
Because whenever she tells them, there will be fights in the family and in the end the parents will either accept it or will leave her totally and say that they don´t want to have anything to do with her.
Either way that day will come. And it is better if it comes soon, because she would not have to hide her religion, her way of living, her life from them. That time of hiding will be a very tough one for her, so there is no need to extend that unnecessarily. It won´t change the reaction of the parents.
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*Originally posted by Munni: *
I've noticed that many people will still come to you for advice even if they never use your advice.
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Exactly. People need to hear what others think but without the burden of pleasing them. And I would like to be as helpful as possible to that person, so I feel the best way is NOT to offer advice but somehow reinforce that persons' ability to think and decide for themselves.
Questions are really a fun/interesting way to explore an issue. Some general questions that can be useful:
- Why is the issue a problem?
- Who is it a problem for?
- How have you thought of solving the problem?
- Why do you think that will/won't work?
- What do you want the result(s) to be?
etc etc..... then there are specifics that vary with each situation.
Fayz, thanks for letting me know you appreciate my mails!