A couple married for 4 years with no kids. Husband works and wife is a college student .
little things like what she had for lunch ,
Nami, what is the need for her to lie about what she had for lunch? Did she spend too much on lunch and is afraid that her husband would get mad about it? Is her husband concerned about her weight and gets upset if she eats unhealthy?
that she met a friend at this place or that place (always female friends) .
**Okay so they’re female friends. What’s the need to lie about that? Is it because he’s soooo possessive that he’d get mad if she spends time with friends? Is it because she was actually hanging somewhere else and lied to him that she was with one of her friends? What’s the need?
**
For example , if he asks her to get something from the store , she did not feel like stopping there so she would just say that the store did not have it . . . instead of telling him outright that she did not feel like shopping .
^If she doesn’t feel like saying “I don’t feel like going to the store”…she could even say “I’ll pick it up for you later.” But if she’s lying about such things often enough…how would she feel if one day she needs something important…and her husband lies to her in the same way: “Oh the store didn’t have it.”
She feels obligated to lie because she wants to avoid any unpleasantness in the family .
**^ I think that may be the problem. The word “unpleasantness” makes me wonder if her husband is either a very controlling or judgmental person who gets uptight over everything she does…and this may be causing her to say little white lies to prevent drama.
**In the last few years husband has gotten more critical and judgmental of her and her behavior and its come to the point that outside of the basic things , no matter what she tells him , that she did this in her day, she met a friend, she bought this or that , he gets upset and leads to bad feelings.
Sometimes we think that the other person is believing our story…but our body language could be easily betray us. It’s possible that husband suspects she’s lying…based on her body language. Maybe he found out some way. For example…if a joint account is being used…it’s easy to tell how the money is being spent. Maybe he found out somehow that she wasn’t with a friend. OR OR…maybe she’s neglecting her responsibilities toward the home …because she’s always outside of the home shopping/hanging out with friends. And this could be upsetting him. ** Could be he’s sick and tired of the same excuses and stories.
**
But now , the wife is sick of lying and she hates herself . Even though she knows she cannot control him but only herself , part of her resents him for the way he acts towards her.
Has she talked to him about his behavior? We have no idea what exactly he does that makes her resent him. Does he pick on her? Ridicule her? Make threats? Beat her up? What does he do? If he screams at her, puts her down…she needs to talk to him about his behavior. She needs to set boundaries and let him know that she won’t respond to him if he speaks to her disrespectfully as that isn’t mature. IF you show people that you’re a doormat and that you’re willing to quietly put up with their crap…they’ll continue treating you like dirt. If you stand up for yourself…they’re more likely to think twice about treating you wrong. You teach others how to treat you.
She hates being so deceptive and sneaky . Although she comforts herself by saying that she never lied about big things (past relationships/sexual experience/family stuff/does not spend the money from his paycheck without his permission) all the little lies are getting tiresome .
^Tiny grains of sand can make huge sand dunes. Little things eventually add up. Not only will it get tiresome…she might even sound repetitive to her husband. He might be thinking, “Sheesh…I hear the same stories from you all the time.” ** I’m wondering if she tell him lies to avoid him. For example, “Oh I already ate lunch at a cafe”…so that she won’t have to eat with him. Or “Yeah I met a friend and we got to talking”…so that she could avoid being with him at home.**
She wants to be able to freely talk to her husband, to not hide anything even if it means he’ll get upset and go off on her.
^She needs to analyze WHY exactly she’s lying to him (avoidance…his toxic behavior)…and if she wants to fix her marriage…then she has to talk to him about his behavior and about her expectations for the relationship. Problems are not going to disappear if she doesn’t discuss things with him and create some boundaries.
Disclaimer : Posting on behalf of an anonymous user