Limits and allowances for children

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I posted on this topic ages ago and really never got clear answers/advice…I think theres a newer crowd now so here we go again.

When I was growing up, I was in girl scouts and a badge I earned was for babysitting. I was 12 years old, the age at which (during those times) was acceptable to BE a babysitter. Parents would go to an early dinner and/or movie, be gone for 3 or 4 hours, I made a little spending money and learned responsibility.

These days. parents would go to jail for leaving anyone under the age of 16 (maybe even under age 18) at home alone right? Not that I’m looking for a babysitter, we dont use or need them…I’m just observing differences.

I used to walk to school and home by myself (or with my brother and sister)and it was a safe thing to do. With MY kids, I walk to their school and get them out of their classroom. I dont even let them go from their classroom to the “flagpole” out in front of the school. I’ve had FOUR - yes FOUR - letters from the school district in the past one year notifying parents that they had reports of attempted kidnappings near schools.

Am I limiting their sense of independence? I cant see that I am…I mean, better safe than sorry is my thinking. Yet when I think about how much independence I personally had at their age, it was VASTLY greater than theirs.

What kind of limits do you or would you set for - say - kindergarten thru 2nd graders?

2

Re: Limits and allowances for children

I think you still can leave your kids alone at 12 yrs of age .. we have this nice sweet girl across the street who might be 13 or so who sometimes babysit our kids.

I am an extremely paranoid person maybe. If kids are on street, one of us is either watching them or outside with them.

Its a dangerous world out there and there are some really sick sick minded people living in this world. Every now and then you listen to these horrific stories which I cant even repeat here. My heart bleeds for those parents whose child became a victim and I cant imagine that possibilty existing in my life.

What you are doing is right. This is a totally different world we are living in. Its our responsibilty to save our kids, no matter what the cost of that is.

3

Re: Limits and allowances for children

I have never, ever heard of a parent being sent to jail because they left their 16 year old home alone. Considering the maturity of the child, 12 seems to be an acceptable age to start.

I don't think you're overreacting by picking your kids up like that. I rode the bus until I was able to drive.

4

Re: Limits and allowances for children

hmm, not a parent, inshAllah one day..

but as a brother of 4 young ones, i think let the child go and play by themselves and explore the wolrd. maybe we're living two different cities but i mean it's NOT that of a danger, it's not Palestine we're living in..

i know a family who do not let their kids go anywhere without supervision, uncle ji relax! they're like 10-14 and still they are told stories of how people can kidnap you if you go alone... one funny story, my brothers (7 and 10) go out to the local store to buy stuff now and then, they took those kids along with them, and what do those kids say to my brothers? "MY DAD SAID, DON'T GO LIKE THIS, WE CAN GET KIDNAPPED" i was laughing and at the same time worried about those kids! what kind of parent are you, telling kids these things, yes you have to but don't overdo it! the kid will grow up like "mummy's boy" all his life.

you should set rules for the kids, can't go there, come back at this time..etc but do not tell them that they will get picked up by some kalla on the street.

as for freedom, you do your job as a parent and leave rest to Allah.

5

Re: Limits and allowances for children

I dont know how much times have changed but 8 years ago my parents were ok with sending my teenage brother out for stuff if he needed to go for school, work etc. They live in Chicago and the area is not always safe. A couple times some kids even tried to steal stuff from him (little things like a p-cap). But i think the parents just told him to be careful.

Fast forward 8 years and my cousins in TO at the same age my bhai was, are going through teh phase where their parents wont let them ride teh bus to the pool or club etc for various activities. Their dad doesnt have a lot of time to take them since he works 2 different kinds of jobs. Now i think their area is pretty safe but i am not the parent. I feel its just babying them too much but what do i know?

Fast forward another 15 years and Allah knows best how i am going to treat my children in this regard. I am probably going to be as protective too, perhaps.

6

Re: Limits and allowances for children

Three children left home alone as mother “honeymoons” - Telegraph

7

Re: Limits and allowances for children

The thing about leaving underage kids home alone or with an underage babysitter is that if something terrible goes wrong, it becomes an issue of "parental neglect". The vast majority of the time, nothing goes wrong and all is fine. But why take the chance kwim? Anyway, I think when mine get to be around age 12, I'd be ok with letting them be home if it were a short time for me to be out - like a trip to the grocery store etc. Mine are still young - age 7 and under so I have a few years yet. I'm still struggling with younger issues, like do I allow them to leave their classrooms and meet me out in front of the school. Once they leave the classroom, they're on their own. So what age is ok...when are you over-doing it? My eldest, he has pretty severe attentional issues so I worry that he'd just take off. But you cant know these things, you cant know how responsible your child is - until you take a deeeeeeep breath and let them go and see how they do. I think that this is the most scary part of parenting, kwim?

8

Re: Limits and allowances for children

excuse moi, ces't quoi "kwim?" ?

9

Re: Limits and allowances for children

^ "know what i mean"

Dedicated to Sannan Bhai :-P
10

Nice question MO3 because mine is 7 years old also and I am afraid too .But I know she can manage to come from classroom and wait for me on front.Its not that hard kids at age 7 can little bit take care of themselves especially when you talk to them.In karate class they were teaching to my daughter and all the children that about self defense and they understand it. You need to do the basics tell your child your home adress, home number, cell number and tell him never talk to a stranger.And if you can thats what I do with my daughter we have a code if someone comes to her and tell her that your mommy is calling come with me ,she will never go until or unless she knows that person or the person will tell her secret code.Sometimes I go and check a mail on purpose if she is alone for3 or 4 minutes she needs to lock the door when I will knock she needs to ask for a private code and if its her mom she will open it or she will never do it. But there is one thing I never allowed her to cross the road where there is a signal on her own.Its dangerous we can allow them simple things like go grab a mail or wait for me at the front of school.Its okay because they are growing up and they know little bit what is right and what is wrong.Whom to trust or not. We need to talk to them a lot about that I know its hard but it builds confidence in them and especially I was reading some articles on internet where they were saying that especially boys at age 7 to 14 are in more danger because of child molesters so you need to talk to them and tell them never to trust anyone.Even they have courses of self defense for children in schools where they teach different things when to yell when you see a stranger or what to do when someone is grabbing you, it teaches them a lot. Atfirst Zafeerah got a little scared but after that she was fine now she knows a little bit how to handle bad situations instead of panicking but still she is a child.

11

Re: Limits and allowances for children

ume, excellent idea about the secret code shared with your child! Also, self defense classes even for girls are awesome. I hope we can all do that with our kids.

Mama: in case of your eldest, i think its a different story since you said he is on the autistic spectrum. But still, i think slowly, you can perhaps teach him how to be a bit more independent. It may take more time and effort for him but i think he will eventually get there.

Koi to meray khayalon pe chhanay wala ho
12

MO3, Im not a parent but had a very similar upbringing. I was very responsible at a very young age. I was babysitting my siblings when I was not even 12, coming home alone from school, picking them up from the babysitter's place, bringing them home and making some concoction of an after school snack for everyone until my mother/father came home.

Would I be okay with my kids doing the same? Absolutely not. I don think I could allow my kids to walk home alone from school or do the same things I did. I also think it was a different time. Its a bit more dangerous now and you hear of child molestation cases, kidnappings, etc much more often.

I dont think you are limiting their independance, I think you are being a careful mother and there is nothing wrong with that! It IS better to be safe than sorry!

13

yeah, i would be extra protective of my kids... i would walk them from and to the school as u do...
and if i leave with them someone, i have to have 150% assurance/trust of that person (even if they are a relative/family member)

yes, things used to be different in our times... but it is a strange world out there, and my feelings are not based on paranoid fears or anything...

i used to live in an islamic/arab country before, and there were incidents of child abduction and abuse (theres no shortage of sick people out there) that occured and I personally came to know about/discover ...if i knew of several such incidents personally/first hand then imagine, how many occured on a daily basis, that i didn't find out about

(it wasn't an openly talkabout/discussed thing, because it was kept hush hush for either the sake of child/family OR was not even discussed in general because it was a very taboo topic and there were no legal consequences for the predator...)

when i moved to a western country I discovered that despite legal consequences/enforcements, and sexual freedom, there was again no shortage of sick people in this new western country either... again, i came to know of a couple of incidents personally of child abuse...

so yea, better be safe than sorry...
i don't know what the world is coming to...but we can no longer simply think along the lines "oh let the kids be kids, let them explore, let them have unsupervised freedom, let them be independent...."

unfortunately, u have to devise other tactful methods of developing independence in your kids which still allow supervision and oversight from parents...

14

Re: Limits and allowances for children

Stories of child abuse scare the daylights out of me now and I dont even have a child.

I would not be okay having my kid walking home from school alone.

15

Re: Limits and allowances for children

my sister is 15 and at this age we dont allow her to stay homealone. she gets too much into TV or gams and forgets all about her surroundings so we dont leave her alone. if we have to go some where, usually we tell her to remain upstairs and have alarm on for downstairs or lock all the doors and tell her not to open, regardless of who is knocking.

its good to take precautions.

my aunty leaves her 2 years daughter at home when she goes to pick up her elders from school, only takes 15 min. but she has no choice as the girl is usually sleeping. we tell her not to do this but she always has excuses!

Timepass- May 2012
16

Re: Limits and allowances for children

Children especially pre teens must be clearly but politely told and trained on what they can and will be able to do and what is not and will not be allowed for them.

the most essential thing to do is to make sure that children do not get mixed messages and that they can see their elders be consistent with what they are told.

t.v. screening must be a minimum and only educational as well as safe fun learning entertainment programming.

at no time, should pre teens and teens be given X amount of money to take for granted.
they should be creatively asked to do certain good responsible things around the house and in their studies and then be given the pocket money allowance as a reward.

pre teens and teens must share their friends' contact numbers and parents' info with you so that you know where your children or younger sibling is.

Jazbaat !
17

I think kids here are overly sheltered from reality and spend too much time in the virtual reality, ie. video games and TV.

it is really important for a child's creativity and sense of independence to do things alone...my mom was pretty vigilant but i remember i spent hours after school riding my bike, skipping rope, and climbing trees. these days i see very young kids whose lives are scheduled from the moment they walk--school, homework, some class, dinner, and even a set bedtime. Recess has been eliminated in many schools.

While there is always a minute risk of something bad happening (Khuda na khasta), I think all our media exposure these days might give us an exaggerated fear.