Liking a chick?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

So my mom has recently been giving numbers of potential girls. Specially, she has been pushing me to see this girl and gave me her number. We spoke few times on the phone, she is nice, educated, working but recently came to US like 2 weeks ago so she is still learning. Looks wise she is cute, not ugly or anything, but I am not really super attracted to her. So my family really insisting me on meeting her and so I will be seeing her in next few days over a coffee or meal or something.

She is the type of girl who I can see myself marrying but at the same time not super excited or anxious about it! I feel kinda ‘meh’ about the whole situation. Even though she is okay to talk to, educated, on my religious level, not bad looking/average, but I don’t feel the chemistry or sparks or whatever…

I told this to my mom and she told me so far this is the best girl for me and I won’t find anyone else lol. She told me its bad out there and its hard finding girls and all the pretty, educated, nice ones got married early and none are left so this is my best bet

I am like WTF! Because I know I may not be handsome but I am not super ugly either. I have dated girls from my med school class before which means I have got some game.

So what should I do? Should I keep looking or should I settle? Is it necessary to be swooning/excited over someone you want to marry? Because I just don’t feel that way even though nothing is wrong with that girl

I also kinda feel bad about going to lunch with her knowing I would probably say no. Feels like I am wasting her time

2

Re: Liking a chick?

She’s not ‘bad looking’.
Pretty educated and nice one’s got married early.
You’re not super ugly and you’ve dated girls so you have game.

Looks looks looks… Seems like that’s all that matters

3

Re: Liking a chick?

Not necessary to be swooning over someone cuz that usually fades after the honeymoon phase so what’s the point. Marriage is a long term commitment. You’ll be spending your best and worst moments with her. If you don’t see yourself spending a lifetime with her, don’t waste her or your time please.

4

Re: Liking a chick?

physical attraction is not all there is, or should be, but it helps, even in the long run

5

Re: Liking a chick?

My rule about physical attraction is that she should take your breath away, just imagine if you are not attracted to her today what would you feel 20 yrs from now 3 kids in between. After a serious talk on this matter my wife’s nephew left the girl he was about to marry.

Please don’t do lunch with her.

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Re: Liking a chick?

If someone marries a highly attractive girl who God forbid has a mishap a year into the marriage and is severely disfigured then what? Should he leave her? Is that all there is to a marriage?

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Re: Liking a chick?

No my friend, there are lots of other things you have to consider and lots of filters but immense physical attraction is the first. There are billions of good people but the only good person meant for you is the one who steals your breath away. Not everyone is physically attracted to the same person, some like tall, some short, some like dark and some fair.

I have seen too often where people married to someone they weren’t attracted to live in severe discontentment and ogling at people they find physically attractive. The reason I spent my life giving my children sculpted physiques is I want them to be desirable. No way in hell would Safy get Clara without his physical presence. Even Socrates 3000 yrs ago asked people to exercise.

Nature gave us this huge complicated DNA and chemistry for a reason and we should listen to our instincts. Marriages of convenience can help you get by but not make you ecstatic.

You never leave a hand once you hold it. That is just my principle.

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Re: Liking a chick?

**So what should I do? **

Don’t worry about it too much. You’re not too old and you’re not about to expire.

Should I keep looking or should I settle?

Settling for the first person that seems willing seems like a bad idea. We’re talking about being together for life.

**Is it necessary to be swooning/excited over someone you want to marry? Because I just don’t feel that way even though nothing is wrong with that girl
**
I think you should feel something. Go on the lunch date if you still feel ‘meh’ about her, decline the rishta politely. Chemistry alone isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. However, a lack of Chemistry has the potential to destroy a marriage.

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Re: Liking a chick?

Yeah I’d say do what it takes to get yourself out of this.

If the spark/attraction ain’t there, it ain’t there. Everyone goes on about looks shouldn’t be everything bla bla, as if there is a certain scale of looks.

Regardless of what anyone tells you, or tries to force you into, attraction matters. Especially when it comes to thinking of someone as a life partner (pretty sure this doesn’t need to be said).

TL : DR - Yeah I’d say do what it takes to get yourself out of this.

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Re: Liking a chick?

Its not as much about looks either. She is good looking by all desi standards but I just don’t feel attracted to her. She is kinda modest and shy type too. I kinda like outspoken girls. I don’t feel excited or look forward when I talk to her. I don’t feel much of a chemistry either. I have spoken to her 3 times or so over the phone for a pretty long time. My mom keeps saying that she is a great girl and chemistry develops later and bla bla and you should meet her and you will start to like her.
Also, she just came to US so she doesn’t know much about how to go about in here. I want to marry someone from here, who went to school here and stuff.

My mom just painted a bad scenario that all the good educated ones are married and she is my best shot

11

Re: Liking a chick?

I think you should definitely meet this girl in-person at least once before saying no. You’re not super attracted to her but you don’t find her unattractive either and her personality/background is acceptable. Just see if you feel anything else when you meet her in-person. If not, at least you know you did everything you could to make it work.

I don’t think you should settle. It’s not like you’re about to turn 40 and need to get married/have a family asap. You’re still young and have time.

Besides, what exactly are YOUR criterias for a nice wife? Physical attraction, education, religion are obvious ones but does she also have to be Pakistani? Because if you’re only willing to marry a Pakistani girl that must check all these criterias, then yes, it will be more difficult/time-consuming to find someone. Thus, you should seriously think about and have a discussion with your mom regarding what criterias are a must-have for YOU when choosing a wife and what criterias are negotiable.

For what it’s worth, my husband did not take my breath away when I met him years ago. I chose to go out on a first date with him because he was a nice guy. There really wasn’t a whole lot of physical attraction there. Like you, I thought he was ok…not ugly but not a guy who would make me do a double-take. There more I got to know him in the upcoming weeks/months, the more I liked him because I felt we were compatible in our values/lifestyle etc. And here I am years later…married to him. I have no regrets.

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Re: Liking a chick?

My criteria is basically physical attraction - which does not always equal gori or pretty; I like more the one that have personality, outspoken, outgoing, fashionable, religious but not very. One that works. I don’t really care about if she is a doctor or not but my mom seems to think so. Someone preferably from here and yes Pakistani I suppose.

I just don’t wanna settle because its a lifetime commitment!

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Re: Liking a chick?

Haha..you should be giving advice rather than receiving it. I tell youngsters to not limit themselves to a culture or nationality. We get along amazingly well with Saifys gf. She seems to have great values. We do not have propriety over values. I had seen chit there also.

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Re: Liking a chick?

The “settling” thing irks me..

Imagine if someone said they “settled” for you or I lol, that they didn’t feel much but went along with it to keep family happy.. I feel these sorts of matches are more arrangements and will tend to stay that way.. If you don’t feel satisfied now and this is the very beginning can you imagine 20/30 years down the line.. Imo you’ll be more just friends who live together and procreate, a partnership of sorts.. Perhaps give it a chance by meeting her once because if you don’t you’ll never know but definitely don’t say “yes” because your mother or other family members think she’s great.. At the end it will be you who’ll be sleeping with her, not them..

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Re: Liking a chick?

Don’t waste your time man, if she ain’t the one then she ain’t the one.

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Re: Liking a chick?

go meet her. don’t like it. cut it off.

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Re: Liking a chick?

You’ve only talked to her on the phone; perhaps the dynamics in person (face-to-face) will be different…as in better. Or you still might not feel chemistry/connection with her in person. But you won’t know for sure ..unless you meet her, right?

Similarly, if let’s say you and a girl have amazing chemistry via text and phone…that still doesn’t guarantee that she’s the one for you and that you should marry her. You would STILL have to meet in person to see if that chemistry on the phone also exists face to face…cuz sometimes it doesn’t happen.

Also, wouldn’t you want a girl to get to meet you and talk to you in person before writing you off or judging you? Maybe I’m wrong…and it doesn’t really matter to you. But as Paheli said earlier…you do feel some attraction for her…it’s not like you’re repulsed by her. So give her a shot. Meeting her in person does not mean you have to put a ring on it.

After meeting her, if you STILL are not that keen on her…then let your mom know clearly that it’s a “no” for you. Don’t get pressured into maintaining contact with her from your parents as that could mislead the girl; it’s not fair to give her a false impression.

Were your born in the US? Cuz I always got the feeling you that you were born outside of the US. Anyhow, people eventually get used to living in a different society. Your parents were not born in the US but they’ve acclimated to life in the US. And this girl will, too. It’s not like she literally landed in the US yesterday. She’s been her a while, she’s observing the way of life here, and she’ll get there. You do have the right to your preferences and if you prefer a US-raised larki, nothing wrong with that.

I do recommend istikhara…or if that’s too confusing…then just make a sincere dua to Allah that He do what is best for you and that if this rishta is good for you, to facilitate it…and if it’s harmful for you…to remove it from your path. Just a simple dua like this ks effective, too.

Lastly, yes mutual physical attraction is important. You should be attracted to your spouse…but even if you work out and keep yourself fit and groomed…you’re not gonna win the battle against time and aging; nobody does. And we are living in an age of fitnah…where society is very obsessed with youth and materialistic things and instant gratification are given priority over other more important things. That said…you could marry a total hottie…who is self-centered, does not respect you or your family, does not know how to compromise, etc etc. Conversely, you could marry someone who fares a bit “lower” on the hotness scale, but who is like your best friend, who is a good Muslim, who respects you and your family, who knows how to compromise…whose company find comfort and relief in…who will be the “coolness” of your eyes.

And Pisi…the same guys who won’t settle for anything less than someone that is soooo hot/gorgeous that they knock the wind out you…even those people will continue to check out other “girls” …“goddesses”…when they have beautiful wife at home. But if such folks were to do some introspection…they should hopefully realize that there will a.ways be somebody out there much hotter than your wife that will take your breath away…but what makes “wife” so irreplaceable is that she hopefully has other more substantial qualities within her personality. :halo:

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Re: Liking a chick?

You’ve received some good advice on the topic at hand already, so I won’t comment on that.

However I have to say that I find the subject line of this thread quite disrespectful.