Its been a while since I last posted something. I am now in a stage of my life where I am confused about my life. I’m married and fast approaching my thirties and have one child. i have been depressed lately and coming to realize i have wasted my life by marrying him because of two things, NO RESPECT and TAKEN GRANTED. I am beginning to realize I am better off as a single mom.
I will post issues separately and don’t want to put all in one post. To start with, There’s no respect in the relationship, none at all. He does not value my feelings and would do something that always suits him. For example, In front of my family or cousins and specially his, he always undermines me and that embarrasses me a lot. He likes to put me down all the time. I am the shy type and have never been out spoken. Yes had took stand for myself two or three times in the years I have been married but still he does not get it. To be honest, i have lost self esteem and confidence because of that.
During the years of my marriage, He have never given me a pocket money not a single money! I only have child benefit which is still a little as I spend most of it on litttle one. We are not poor but like normal middle class. he got good job.
Sigh, I am so confused and my head is all over the place. I need your help what I should do when you see all posts.
It appears you have married a person who likes to stamp his authority but undermining his wife in front of others. Someone who takes away your confidence to make them feel more powerful or in control. Also, him not respecting you and not paying attention to any hurt feelings you may have had with his behavior just shows what type of person he is. I am shocked to hear he does not give you any financial support
I think you need to speak to him and let him know how you feel, what has been bothering you, what are the problems and see if he is willing to change. Some people like to write down their thoughts and give it to the other person especially if they are not expressive enough. Also try to find out if he has any issues with you and whether or not he even knows what he has been doing. You might look into options couples group therapy or more focused counselling.
If this does not work out and he does not change his ways, then separating is an option for you. I just wonder someone who did not contribute much towards child support whilst he was married, how much effort will he put after it ends. You could seek the help of JSA but off course you can try and make your married work first provided he pulls his weight.
Don’t you think I have tried and in fact we had a big fight about this.
He earns very good and I don’t think he know the value of money because in the years we have been married he never saves. Wastes all money on useless stuff. That’s why we couldn’t save up and buy a house.Years ago we had a car accident and won some money on compensation claim each. Both around the same amount. Again wasting high amounts on rent. This compensation was the only savings. I told him, if he saves more I will put my share forward towards the mortgage. So we did start the process and advisors told him we need to save up more in the range we are looking for. I said ok. For this reason I transferred my money to his account as they need to see the full amount of savings together. Next thing I know that plan is cancelled and he decided to invest in some plot bk home. I wasn’t happy and didn’t agree to it. We were going there anyway for my sisters wedding.
I decided to get my money back by transferring all my money bk to my account without his knowledge. He found out hours later and at that time we were in a taxi on the way to airport. He was so angry and I think the driver also felt the tension.he texted me If I don’t transfer to him before the boarding it won’t b good for me. Threatened more like. I argued back I’m sorry I took it like that but this was my money and not his earnings. I have asked my money before and he had out right refused saying that’s his money and it was his car that I had accident hence I don’t deserve it back. I was scared and I didn’t want any drama and we were going to Pk and especially during my sis wedding and so gave back. Even for the wedding he did not give me any single money to buy outfits. In fact I used what little I had tightly saved up from child benefit. In fact my parents bought me outfits and for my little one too and knew my circumstances. I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to spend on me as they already had wedding to cover.
So in the end he didn’t buy any. He gave all savings to his dad. My in laws are well
Off, they live off from rental income as they are landlords to commercial buildings . I was pissed. He said who the hell I am to tell him where he puts his money.
I think you need to go to those relationship counselors before you think about divorce. If he as a man is not respecting you and listening to you, after trying several times! As a last resort you should think about divorce…Obviously you have money issues, respect and authority problems in your relationship. Are you in North America or UK?, if you are you should look into relationship counseling…
Of course We are only getting one side of this, thats why I suggested a counselor so they can here your husbands complaints as well…if he himself doesn’t want to salvage the marriage than it is what it is..divorce is the only option..
Omg, I could of wrote all this word for word myself…exactly the same situation and exactly the same sanario played out with me …(only difference I earn some money from my own job so not completely dependent, however all my money goes on the rent and car, while his only goes on the internet and gas bill).
I don’t have much advice as I’m in the same boat as you but can surly relate to you… I was so pushed by his silliness that I even considered bad options to earn money (I have a thread on that here…) he drives me mad about the not saving stuff, and the his money is his money and my money is are money logics…
The only advice I could give is maybe get a part time cash in hand job… I do cash in hand babysitting at the moment while on maternity leave, it’s not a lot but it helps me buy some nice things for my self or my children, I know as a wife we have rights to pocket money from husband, but when we have husbands like ares how can we force them?
I pray your situation gets better and I pray mines does to!
At the bare minimum she is entitled to what she needs on a reasonable basis.
*Hind bint ‘Utbah (may Allah be pleased with her) said: O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyaan is a stingy man and does not give me enough for me and my children, unless I take from him without him knowing. He said: “Take what is sufficient for you and your children on a reasonable basis.” *
My teacher said to me that once married just have a shared account and both spend from there.
I read your post and can feel your frustrations, however I do feel there are many things you can do to take control of in your life. The reason your husband is treating you the way he is is because you are dependent on him and he knows that. He is withholding financial stability so you are constantly in his shadow.
You need to make yourself more independent as now you have a child you need to ensure you show a powerful example to him/her that your lif cannot be walked all over. Why don’t you go get some experience and some other social interactions to keep your attention off him. One thing men like your husband are rattled with is a woman who is independent and who has no fear however only you can do that.
**All expenses related to and spent on the Mother and child is the Father’s responsibility, a housewife should not be asked or expected to work for that reason!
The Man has to Man up and spend on his child that is the Man’s responsibility! if you tell your husband in a respectful way Insha Allah she will listen!
**
@preciousheera I know right! At least you are earning! And it does make things better. Believe me I m looking for a job and it’s more hard if you don’t have family near bye who can with after school pick ups too.
I have told him many times! He knows it too. It’s like I’m the one whose doing all things in relationship etc cooking cleaning, looking after, ironing his clothes. Believe me when I say this he does not even lift a finger even when it comes to gardening or putting garbage out.
You are right and this is what I am doing. My parents are also saying same thing is to get a job or experience. I am trying so damn hard but idk y m so unlucky in not getting a job! It’s so demotivating but I m still trying. This is my shot. I don’t want to be depandent on him believe me.
Our anniversary was few days back and he didn’t give me a card or present. Nothing. Not even my inlaws wished me.
I wouldn’t be doing any of that if I was in that situation… eff that. He can iron his own damn shirt. Expand your search for work, offer to run errands for your neighbours or even clean houses. The sooner you are independent the better.
…(only difference I earn some money from my own job so not completely dependent, however all my money goes on the rent and car, while his only goes on the internet and gas bill).
