lieing to spouse?

[redvelvet]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@nadz123

true, but its not life saving op shes having, where her husband would be happy with it. this is just her own want want want. ive seen her list of wants, and its longgggggg…

Good Lord. Read people. I already acknowledged that it’s a not a life-death/emergency operation. Even then I don’t see it as a big deal that her parents desire to do this for her. Her husband’s a dad too,…cuz they have kids, right? I know the argument is being made that the wife might see it as a “gift” from her parents but her hubby may not…but her hubby, being a dad himself…can’t see this from a father’s perspective? Is that extremely difficult to do?

[khattichic]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@redvelvet

KC, I already mentioned in my first post that she probably already fears or KNOWS that her husband is going to have a hissy fit over this. I understand the importance of compromising and trying to avoid things that’ll piss off your spouse. However, where is the line drawn? I know that impaired vision is not a life or death matter…but what if God forbid…she had a serious illness or something? Even then should one turn away any assitance/kind gesture from one’s PARENTS (for crying out loud) because it’s going to hurt someone’s ego? Again, I understand the point of sacrifice and compromise. But I would think that a person should WANT for their spouse to be healthy…to have clear vision…to be happy for them.

The whole “yeah but she should avoid upsetting her pati dev” point…still doesn’t justify turning it into an ego issue if that’s what she fears he’s going to do.

So, he would like to be the provider for all of his wife’s needs. Fine, that’s an honorable trait, however even pride needs to be checked. In some situations (this eye surgery is not one of them)…one may not have all the time in the world. It’s one thing if someone like a friend or extended relative was wanting to pay for it…but good grief…it’s her own parents.

Agreed on all points, with me, my husband is not the type to mind something like that, so it wouldn’t be a big deal to say “papa said he’d pay for it”. But there have been other things in our marriage that seem trivial, but matter to my husband, so I don’t rock the boat…

Bottom line is she should not lie to him. Suck it up and just tell him that Dad is paying for it…end of story.

[sadzzz]

Re: lieing to spouse?

RV, i think any sane husband in that regard would not mind.

Noone is talking about a life threatening issue. I cant imagine anyone objecting to that. If one didnt have money to help their spourse, I am sure he/she will go out and try to get help from anywhere and anyone..

ur taking one cosmetic surgery issue and making it out into a completely different scenario

one solution/advice does not apply to every scenario

[sadzzz]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@redvelvet

Good Lord. Read people. I already acknowledged that it’s a not a life-death/emergency operation. Even then I don’t see it as a big deal that her parents desire to do this for her. Her husband’s a dad too,…cuz they have kids, right? I know the argument is being made that the wife might see it as a “gift” from her parents but her hubby may not…but her hubby, being a dad himself…can’t see this from a father’s perspective? Is that extremely difficult to do?

yeah her hubby is a dad, im sure he wouldnt appreciate someone else’s dad coming in to pay for his kids stuff either…

what may seem trivual to one person… maybe a mountain to another.

[nadz123]

Re: lieing to spouse?

see, if it were my own husband, he may mind too. because as saddz said its a cosmetic procedure, no NEED for it, and yes if iwas cheaper maybe it wouldbt be a big deal…but its expensive, here its 2000 pounds, its alot of money, and even if her dador my dad offered to pay, essentially il know my dad doesnt have that kinda money rolling around…so am assuming thats why husband would mind.

[redvelvet]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@sadzzz

yeah her hubby is a dad, im sure he wouldnt appreciate someone else’s dad coming in to pay for his kids stuff either…

what may seem trivual to one person… maybe a mountain to another.

Um that’s not what I meant, Sadzzz. The husand is not the wife’s dad…which is what your example seems to make him out to be. What I meant was that the husband, being a dad himself, can he not understand the desire/sentiments behind his wife’s father wanting to pay for her?

[sadzzz]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@redvelvet

Um that’s not what I meant, Sadzzz. The husand is not the wife’s dad. What I meant was that the husband, being a dad himself, can he not understand the desire/sentiments behind his wife’s father wanting to pay for her?

Sentiments dont always matter RV.

It’s not always so black and white as we want it to be. Not every relationsip is the same.

and just because someone does not fit that criteria of what u think is right, does not make them wrong or silly for being the way they are.

[redvelvet]

Re: lieing to spouse?

I know things are not always black and white and I’m aware that not every relationship is the same…however I do believe that some arguments when considered fully can seem more ridiculous/less reasonable than others.

[nadz123]

Re: lieing to spouse?

ok calm down peeps.

[Paheli00]

Re: lieing to spouse?

I have many wants in life too. But I discuss all of them with my partner. There are many wants that he puts on hold…and there are many wants that I put on hold…b/c after discussing it, we mutually agree that financially it is not a wise step to take right now.

With your friend, if her “wants” mattered to her that much…then she should’ve married a rich guy. But since she didn’t…now she simply needs to decide what’s more important to her: cosmetic eye surgery OR her relationship with her husband.

At the end, either way lying about this is stupid. Sooner or later the husband WILL find out. Not only will it effect her relationship with him…but it will also have a negative impact on the husband’s relationship with her father (he won’t appreciate finding out that the FIL helped the wife hide this from her).

[STA]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@Decent_6Chora

relationships based on lies are not strong beside, speaking truth is hard for the first time and then path is easy while lie is easy for the first time but rest of the path is hard.

:k:

[Deeba1234]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@redvelvet

It can be seen as a gift/kind gesture from one’s parents and sometimes they can be expensive and this can be seen as a subjective and depends on what one can afford. For many parents, it’s a natural desire to want to do something for their kids..especially if it deals with their health/well-being. Expensive or not…i don’t see that as a major issue considering that her dad WANTS to do this for her…I doubt that the father would expect his own daughter or her husband to pay him back for it. I would hope that the dad would not see this as sort of an “inadequacy” on his son-in-law’s part and that it won’t be rubbed in his face…and I hope that her husband won’t internalize it as such.** The point it is that she shouldn’t have to lie about her parents wanting to pay for it…and he shouldn’t be offended by that. It would be wrong and ridiculous to turn this to an ego issue.**

Agree..

[Moodie_Foodie]

Re: lieing to spouse?

Some men don’t like parents financially taking care of their spouse and it might even make them feel emasculated or they might just be khudaar and this might be a blow to their ego. In that case, secrets will only make the situation worse because if this ever comes out, he failed her as a husband. If she wants to get it done, she sould get her husband on board because 1. people don’t win lasik in a lottery and 2. anything can go wrong during a surgery so keeping it a secret is a big mistake in my book.

[Moodie_Foodie]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@redvelvet

Good Lord. Read people. I already acknowledged that it’s a not a life-death/emergency operation. Even then I don’t see it as a big deal that her parents desire to do this for her. Her husband’s a dad too,…cuz they have kids, right? I know the argument is being made that the wife might see it as a “gift” from her parents but her hubby may not…but her hubby, being a dad himself…can’t see this from a father’s perspective? Is that extremely difficult to do?

I understand what you are sayig but it can also be a ego issue which can sometimes blind people from seeing the logic in the solution.

[lil_ash]

Re: lieing to spouse?

NADZ please go back to Pakistan soon, Life1 needs your saas bahu issues. Your friends aren’t 1/5 as entertaining as your issues.

[Demilitarize]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@khattichic

in the us (at least here in dallas) the going rate is about $1500-$2000 for both eyes

I didn’t realize her friend was in the US
Similarly dental work in the US is exponentially more expensive than that in pakistan

[CM]

Re: lieing to spouse?

Money is money. But family is family. You don’t lie to family or hide things from them. That is just creepy.

[rolla_coaster]

Re: lieing to spouse?

she wants to lie but she doesnt want to hurt her hubby’s ego/sentiments?
tell her chances are her hubby will get to know and then you will have to make another thread abot that. Tell her to do us all a favor and come clean with w.e she does.

[NomiCA]

Re: lieing to spouse?

its her body, her eyes,her money… why must she ask teh husband??

[system]

Re: lieing to spouse?

@nadz123

I have a friend-yes its really her issue not mine- she wants to have laser eye surgery. her dad has offered to pay for it. her husband is working but not geting pauid yet, think hes doing some sort of training. anyway, even though she knows her husband and her cant afford it, and even if they could she feels its not that hight on the priority list o have done…plus they 3 kids…

ok anyway, she wants to have the laser done, and her dad whose happily wanting to pay. but she doesnt want to tell husband, she would rahter say she had it done free-make up some reason-, or say its cheap than it is…basically lie.

but shes 50/50, she doesnt want to lie to her husband on a essentially big thing, its not something minor like makeup, and she feels guilty.assuming if she lies, she will get caught one day,somehow.

anyway, so what should she do.

would anyone lie to their husband/wives like this, or is it not a big deal…so get it done or not?

I myself have told white lies like oh this makeup/clothes etc costs half the price of what is usually is…in fact, my husband would be horrified if he knew half my purchases…

white lies is the first step towards Big lies,don lie to ur life parthner even he/she dosent like the true version…think how would u feel if u came to know that ur hubby tells u white lies..evry now n then!!!