Can you cure your kids' 'gimmes'?
Ideally, shopping with your children teaches them they can't always get what they want when they want it. Here's how to make that lesson less painful -- for them and for you.
By Melinda Fulmer, MSN Money
December 17, 2008
How many times have you sworn off shopping with your kids because of the constant pleading, whining and negotiating for toys, snacks and other stuff?
If you're like me, probably more times than you can count. But experts say there are ways to rein in junior's materialism and derail the high-pitched wailing without making you look like the Grinch. The key is communication, experts say, both before and during your shopping trip.
"(Kids) can learn to delay gratification and have self-control," says Karen Deerwester, a parenting coach in South Florida. They just need to know, she says, "that my needs will still be met, even if I don't get everything I want today."
But, Deerwester says, you have to move beyond the old "No, because I said so."
Listen to your little consumer
Why can't you just say "forget it" and leave it at that?
Because ending the discussion there, experts say, sends the message to kids that they will get only what we want to dish out, not what they think they want or need. "It says you'll take what I give you and be satisfied," Deerwester says.
It doesn't tell them that you hear them and that their needs will be met one way or another, even if it's not with a new purchase.
And it doesn't get to the root of the reason why they think they need it -- such as the fact that they may want a little more of your undivided attention, psychologists say.
Great -- more guilt!
So, must parents justify their reasons every time they deny that sugary snack or toy with a million tiny, floor-cluttering parts? Not every time, parenting experts say. But it does help to talk to your little shoppers about their desires.
"Your child is learning something" in these discussions, says Diane Levin, a professor of education at Wheelock College in Boston and a founder of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood.
6 strategies in the store
Ask questions.
To defuse a tense in-store situation, Levin says, ask your kiddo a few questions, such as:
Why do you want it?
Is it really different from that toy you already have?
How and when would you use it?
"I think it's better to raise them as smart consumers," Deerwester says. "You tell them, 'Everyone wants you to buy their stuff. You have to make a choice and decide who has the best stuff.'"
Delay the gratification
If your child still has his or her heart set on something, Levin says, ask if it should be added to the list of things Santa might bring or to a birthday wish list, or purchased during some other designated treat time, such as when grandparents visit. Tell your child only one thing per trip may be added to that list.
This tactic helps kids learn to delay gratification, Levin says, and figure out what they really want when they get home.
I tried this technique in the toy aisle of my local Target. I have to say it didn't go as seamlessly as I imagined.
Improvise
Even though I told my four-year-old son we were there only to pick out a present for his little brother -- and we wouldn't be buying toys for him -- he kept grabbing things off the shelf and putting them in the cart, where he was catching a ride.
I let him look at some things for a minute, pointing out what looked fun or not so fun, or similar to something he already had. Then I put back his cart stockpile of toys.
When he balked and started whining, I asked him which of the things we'd seen today was his favourite -- which one he'd like to go on the list for Santa.
"Nothing," he said, looking glum. Clearly there would be no payoff for him today.
But to his credit, there was no meltdown, and so I followed up with a quick trip to the library to get him a new (free) book to read.
Make 'em pay
If the children are older, Levin recommends asking them whether they want to spend their birthday, allowance or chore money on that video game or toy they are clamouring for.
By spending their own money, experts say, they learn the value of a buck and the things you sacrifice by spending.
"I thought that pizza in the school cafeteria was really cool, when I thought I could get my mom to pay for it," recalls Christy Bailey, a St. Louis mother responding to a post on MSN Money's message boards. "But when I had to earn the money to pay for it, I decided I'd rather make a sandwich at home for free."
Set great expectations
Make it clear from the get-go, Deerwester says, that you aren't buying toys today but are at the store to get groceries or whatever you are there to do. Say how long the trip will last.
"Say, I need your cooperation for a half-hour," Deerwester advises. But don't push that time frame. "The only way this is going to work is if you live up to your word every time you do it."
Create a distraction
If you're shopping for something kids don't care much about -- such as groceries or jeans for Mom -- it might require a little more work on your part. Kids get antsy when the focus isn't on them.
So give them something to do, Deerwester says, like helping you pick out some of your groceries. Or, if they're not interested in helping, she suggests playing games like counting the number of people with polka-dot shirts, red shoes or black jackets.
I gave these tactics a whirl at my local grocery store during rush hour. I started in the produce aisle, where my son tends to demand every type of fruit to eat now.
When he started asking for something to snack on, I asked him to name every green vegetable he saw. That lasted for a good 20 seconds. Then I tried the "I spy" trick, to no success.
But surprisingly, getting him involved in picking out our groceries seemed to help.
Choosing the flavour of yogurt we bought, for instance, soothed his ruffled feathers after his requests for ice cream were rebuffed.
**Of course they want **
Kids shouldn't be made to feel bad for wanting things, contends Levin, of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood. After all, they are trained by commercials and billboards to be attracted to anything remotely novel.
Ads for toys and cookies show kids having lots of fun, friends and family time --something everybody wants.
But where do you draw the line when it comes to treats? That's the hardest thing to define, and it's different for every family, says Olivia Mellan, a psychotherapist and the author of "Overcoming Overspending."
Just about every parent wavers between feeling like they are denying their kids and feeling like they indulge them too much.
**How much is too much? **
I'd gone through this. My family had been using a tactic I picked up from my older son's "The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies" book. (Yes, sometimes I learn parenting techniques from cartoon animals.)
This method, advocated by the grandma bear, had the frustrated mama and papa allowing their kids one sweet, toy or book when they took their kids shopping. If they whined for more, they left empty-handed.
Sounded good to me. But pretty soon, my son was demanding a "special treat" every time we went to the store, dry cleaner or anywhere else. And the treat he was choosing was getting bigger and bigger.
Did I really need to indulge him every time we went somewhere?
Experts say no. The truth is that we probably indulge too much, Mellan says, given how often our workaholic society uses material goods to substitute for time together and to express our love.
We can reverse the focus by teaching kids how to make themselves happy with something other than stuff and to balance some of the getting with giving:
Create holiday rituals that don't involve shopping, such as carolling or piling in the car with pajamas on to go look at holiday lights, Deerwester says.
If your kids are old enough to count out change, Mellan suggests giving them an allowance each week and three jars to put it in -- one for saving, one for charitable giving and one for spending.
When you're out shopping with your kids around the holiday season, have them pick out a toy to donate to charity, Levin suggests.
Do take your kids shopping
But don't shy totally away from taking your kids to the mall, Deerwester says. It's painful, but it teaches the same sort of life lessons about appropriate behaviour that taking them out to dinner does.
Of course, Deerwester says, if you've got a long list to tick off and a few stores to hit, you're probably better off doing that on your own.
Kids don't have to hit the mall every time you go to learn these lessons, says MSN message board reader Jacky Thomas of Sarasota, Fla. "That's why there is 'daddy-daughter' time."
ek hotwheel to zaroor hee le kar ata hay… but not when he goes with me 
but that makes me the bad guy