A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client in his office, picked up the phone and said, “I’m sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won’t be able to look into this for at least a month.” He then hung up, turned to the guy in his office and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”.
“Nothing,” replied the young man. “I’m just here to hook up your phone.”
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Lawyer’s moto: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?) … that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“£50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to
track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’”
You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer.
Twice.
Compliments of my lawyer friend . ..