Two men walking home from a party decide to take a short-cut through a graveyard. Halfway through, they are startled to hear a tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Shaking with fear, they are relieved to discover an old man with a chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“You scared us half to death,” said one of the men. “We thought you were a ghost. What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They spelt my name wrong.”
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One day, the general noticed a soldier behaving oddly. He would pick up every piece of paper he saw, read it, frown and say, ‘‘That’s not it,’’ and drop it.
After a month of this, the general finally arranged to have the soldier tested. The psychologist found that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, ‘‘That’s it.’’
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A man wrote a letter to the tax department: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I cheated on my taxes. I have enclosed a cheque for $200. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
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Two guys, one a pessimist and the other an eternal optimist, had been friends for years. The optimist was always trying to get his pal to see the bright side of things.
The optimist found a dog that could walk on water. This is perfect, he thought. There’s no way that cynic can say anything negative about this.
He took his friend duck hunting so he could see the dog in action. Mid-morning, they finally downed a bird. It fell on the other side of the lake, so the optimist sent the dog to retrieve it. The animal trotted across the water, grabbed the duck in his mouth and ran back.
“Isn’t that amazing?”
“Hmmph,” the cynic said. “That dog can’t swim, can it?”
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According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75 per cent of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random sample of 1506 adults who were called in the middle of the night.
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Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
“How are they?” the magician asked.
“Comfortable.”
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Two men are admitted to the hospital. Too weak to speak, they sleep for days.
After two weeks, the first man gets the strength to point to himself and say, “American.”
His roommate says, “Canadian.” Exhausted, they pass out.
Two weeks later, the American summons the strength to speak again. “Shawn,” he says in a frail voice.
“Dave,” his roommate squeaks. They both fall back into a deep sleep.
Two weeks later, Shawn rouses himself enough to speak. “Cancer,” he says.
Dave clears his throat and says,“Sagittarius.”