Keeping Things/Presents Once You Break Up

Lifestyle Relationships
1

During one of my usual (well not so much anymore) sit-ins at the coffeeshop with my gal pals sometime last week, a debate sprung up over something that really was pretty trivial. I was a little curious after though; I’d like to know the typical perspective of both desis and non-desis is (if there’s a difference) of what the morally correct thing to do would be after a breakup.

A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend of three years and the first thing she did was start gathering everything he’d ever given/lent her to place in a box which she plans on sending to his place as soon as she gets the chance. Another friend advised her not to, and told her she was behaving childishly by even considering it. It did develop into a more detailed (very heated & personal) discussion which I’d rather not get into (and I’m sure you’d rather not hear) as both my friends are a tad hypersensitive and tend to overreact. In the end, they both decided they were right and that the rest of the world would agree with them, and since it’s not something they’d rather the rest of the world know about, I offered to (as gay as it sounds) post it on a forum with a high majority of desis.

Yeah so anyway.

Do you think it’s a matter of pride and indirectly a validation of self-worth and/or dignity to return presents and other personal (or non) things to an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance after a long and serious relationship, or would you consider it shallow/immature? Would you expect your old presents and personal things to be returned?

2

I don't think your friend is being childish. Actually, I would do the same! Some people including me tend to have feelings and "clear" memories attached to things given by closed ones. Now if that closed one betrayed or did something major to hurt me then his/her presents will always remind me of what s/he did. I also think it's a way of completely getting rid of memories of a person so I wouldn't keep those things, maybe return them or dump 'em in the garbage regardless of their $$ value. By the way, yes, I would expect my ex to return certain things like my pictures , diary and/or cards...anything personal that he could possibly use against me in the future or use 'em to remember me...Hey if you want to breakup then let's just completely get over each other! :)

3

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by CurruptAngel: *
...anything personal that **he could possibly use against me in the future **or use 'em to remember me...Hey if you want to breakup then let's just completely get over each other! :)
[/QUOTE]

Shocked.. if you have loved someone, shouldn't you atleast trust them that they will never use anything personal such as cards, letters, or pictures against you even if you break up?

Zulaykha: As far as your question is concerned, I 'll go for returning things not for the reason that he/she might misuse it, instead, the memories might haunt the person forever and ever.
But then, I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend after 2 yrs and she didn't return anything or never asked him to return her gifts because her logic was, "yes it was mistake of my life and I gotta live with it, these things will awlays remind me of my wrong judgement and decision in life."

so, whatever sails her boat will be the best action to take. :-)

4

Gemini that does happen… a guy i knew put all my emails and conversations with him on a floppy so he could use it against me.. pretty sick i think..

but to answer the question… na i wouldnt give the things back.. its just rude and unheartly (unless the person asks themselves)

p.s i love my avtaar :blush:

5

Well it depends…If that person betrayed me then I don’t see why I should trust him :confused: Another thing is, I hardly trust anyone coz I believe people change over time. Right now the one who is trustworthy might not be trustworthy after 2-3 years. You really don’t know what they’ll do with your personal stuff, do you? It’s a scary thought. I would prepare for the worst, trusting someone who did something as serious as breaking up is really not safe IMO.

6

Yeah, it’s cute…:slight_smile:

7

i must admit.. once i went in and deleted all my emails to a person as the person had already betrayed my trust and spread private information to everyone in my fam :crying: (same person who put all my emaisl and conversation on floppy grrrrrrr)

8

thanx CA :flower2:

9

To be honest, it was the wrong person to begin with.. Simply your foundation wasn’t concrete because there was no trust there.. I am not being rude here but if you won’t trust anyone in your life, you will be left all alone at one point in life..Apparently, you never valued anyone in life thats why they were unable to win your trust.. Change your attitude towards life and Inshallah you will see some lifetime trustworthy friends out there.. No offence intended at all so please dun take it personally. :slight_smile:

sadzz There are good and bad ppl in every society so some people are not worth it (i.e trust) especially online buddies.. 'cause you never know what other person thinks about you or if they are seriously involved in relationship or not unless and until you know them personally.. I hope everything went fine and yes we learn from our mistakes. :slight_smile:

10

Please don’t make assumptions. I haven’t been betrayed by anyone. I think people who blindly trust others are the ones who get cheated on, betrayed, etc. I’m really not that kind of person who doesn’t know what goes behind her back. Yes, there’s a certain level of trust to build a relationship but it’s blind trust that destroys most relationships. Go figure!

I think you misunderstood me. I didn’t mean to say that I don’t trust anyone, it really depends who he is…Plus I do not simply trust someone because I have love or affection for him/her, people earn trust and I mentioned that “if” someone betrayed me then that I have no reason to trust him. Secondly, I don’t think it’s good for other person to keep my personal stuff if s/he will be with someone else in the future because it can create problems for me as well as for other person and especially those related to him/her. For example, I wouldn’t want my husband to keep his ex g/f’s greeting cards, diary or her pictures. Would you like that?

LOL…I hope you’re kidding! I don’t have “lifetime trustworthy friends”? You’re talking about my personal life as if you have watched me grow… :hehe: You know what, I have no other choice than to take it as a joke! :slight_smile:

11

Ummm...I think until you're engaged / married you can keep the stuff, but once you're betrothed to someone then they deserve your full loyalty, and at that point you should erase all physical reminders, such as gifts, as well as emotional reminders, such as memories...of the other person

12

havent been there and hope i never do go there..

anyway i wouldnt return the things since i think its rude, to completely forget abt him ide put them in a box and send them on a one way ticket to the incinerator :)

13

**My observation is that the person
who gets dumped wants to hold on to the stuff whereas, the
person who breaks off the relationship wants to
return or get rid of the stuff.

In any case, people these days should really think
twice before jumping into a relationship head first
and exchanging presents left and right with their
so called other half. Otherwise, at the rate at which
presents are being given and relationships are being
called off (most of which are pre-marital affairs), the
day when desis will be paying judge
Brown, Judy, Mathis, Millian, Hatchet a visit for the
return of their 'presents' isn't very far off.

**

14

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by CurruptAngel: *

Another thing is, I hardly trust anyone coz I believe people change over time. Right now the one who is trustworthy might not be trustworthy after 2-3 years. You really don't know what they'll do with your personal stuff, do you? It's a scary thought. I would prepare for the worst, trusting someone who did something as serious as breaking up is really not safe IMO.
[/QUOTE]

I hope you understand the meaning of anyone..my reply was based on your attitude that you dun trust anyone and did't you just say that you might not trust someone after 2-3 yrs .. insecurity..isn't??

I might have misunderstood your meaning of not trusting but did you ever use the word blindly in your first response that I would even bother thinking about it.. do you realize if you are talking by considering yoruself as an example then why would you expect me to use the third person while stating my point?? All I did was presented my opinion by carrying on your words, your thoughts, your example.. and I appologised in the end just because I assumed you were not talking about yourself, otherwise I might not have used "no offence intended."

by the way, if I am not mistaken I guess you were the one who shared the fact in general forum that you dun have friends in college but yes you have had old friends from school.. you know the reason, I am sure I dun have to go in depth..

PS: I am sorry if am mistaken. :-)

PS2: No hard feelings.. I better get out of this thread!!

15

I'm still trying to carefully restain myself from stating my own opinion on my friend's bit here (gonna wait till I finish collecting everyone's "two cents"). Personally, my take on the situation was that she was still in a highly emotional state, having just broken up and all. The verbal combat based on something that seemed oh-so-trivial being one form of evidence, others based on slight hints of her bordering on insanity (this part's solely for her benefit) as well as many other things she did/said randomly. I don't think anyone who's just gotten out of a relaitonship should be allowed to make such decisions, as they will most likely be rash and regrettable later. It's always good to get a third person's perspective even if you decide not to act on it. You guys are providing me with answers based on level-headedness, so yay.

CurruptAngel, I'd hate to thikn that you'd ever have to do that, it'd be very difficult, no? Not all breakups end bad, do they? Would you still react the same way if the separation occured with mutual understanding/agreement (maybe due to external influence, or whatever) and the both of you decided to stay friends?

Gemini The Great, yes people like that do exist. You'd be surprised how many of them roam the world (of course that's no excuse). It's always a good idea to be extra cautious when you're venturous enough to risk getting involved in a relationship where you don't have the backup of family and what not from the start, because you're on your own and most men tend to play on that quite a bit. Call me a dubious pessimist (or whatever) but a person worthy of complete trust is almost as rare as "true love" (if you've been lucky enough to have found it, congratulations and do lemme know where in the elysian fields did you find it). It's always a good idea to stay on guard; you really never know what a person is like. You can trust a person wholly and completely and think that they're the most reliable person in the world, but most of the time, that kind of naivety just guarantees that you're in for a rude awakening. Whatever floats her boat - sounds about right in my friend's situation as well.

sadzzz, that's insane (but unfortunately not so uncommon amongst Asians). It's really surprising how many spineless men exist out there that play on your insecurities and when things don't go their way decide to try to pin the blame on the girl and/or make her look bad to make themselves feel better. I don't blame you for going in and deleting your e-mails (although he really did deserve worse). I know of a girl who (yeah I know it's a criminal act) almost deleted her ex's entire hard drive (he didn't keep his emails on a server).

Nurmah, you're right. I'm sure no husband/wife would want his/her wife/husband keeping old things of/from her ex to remind her/him of them.

Xara, let's hope you won't ever have to decide such a thing for yourself. It's scary, hmm?

Aalhan, that's very interesting; I've seen the total opposite. Most of the time the person who gets dumped has issues with ego/pain etc and in fact insist on returning things to preserve whatever's left of their shattered (so they think) dignity. The person who decides to break up is usually less emotional, and therefore somewhat apathetic in the whole ordeal and doesn't think much of these "things" or lack of them. I'd love to see desis on TV fighting like they do over "presents" on one of those Judge-ey shows.

Does anyone else have an opinion?

16

“I hardly trust anyone”…I don’t think you understood what I was trying to say…Let me try once more! :slight_smile: I would not trust anyone who has betrayed me or broke up with me coz that person won’t be in my company after the relationship is finished. I don’t know who that person will be with, how trustable s/he will be, especially after a certain period of time. You can’t really trust someone “forever and ever” just because you were once in love with him/her…It’s too childish to trust people like that.

hey, you can call me insecure or whatever you want. Remember! It does not affect my life and it only proves that YOU ARE BEING JUDGMENTAL! :slight_smile:

This thread wasn’t even about friends and you started saying things in a way that people would misunderstand my personality and perosnal life. Well, you don’t need to apologize, just simply don’t talk about my personal life if you don’t really know me. Thankyou!

Ahhh…so you mean, my high school clique(we been best friends for 8 yrs til now) doesn’t count as “lifetime trustworthy friends”? And just because I haven’t considered people in my college as “real friends” as I don’t see them on daily basis and coz they seem selfish I’m a loner ? :rolleyes:

Anyways, cut it out…we aren’t talking about “me” here so let’s just stay on the initial topic..

17

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by zulaykha: *

CurruptAngel, I'd hate to thikn that you'd ever have to do that, it'd be very difficult, no? Not all breakups end bad, do they? Would you still react the same way if the separation occured with mutual understanding/agreement (maybe due to external influence, or whatever) and the both of you decided to stay friends?

[/QUOTE]

Yes, I would react the same way. I know it would be difficult but once the relationship is over, it's over. Doesn't matter how it ended. I wouldn't even want to be friends with that person(it's almost impossible for me to see it happening). And I would still return the presents because to me, it's like carrying things that will remind me of a bad experience and I would expect him/her to return my personal stuff because I would hate to get into trouble later. I personally don't see a point in keeping gifts of ex's regardless of how the relationship ends.

18

hey zulaykha yeah its unfortunate people like that do exist.. he was a bit wacko neways.. went ahead to taking sleeping pills and slashing his wrists.. its totally gross quite honestly..

19

I dont mean one should lose trust in everyone.. i think these things make us what we are today.. our past is today's foundation.. so by giving away things doesnt mean we erase all traces of the person we once loved.. my opinion..

zulaykha i havent forgotten the oil and grooming school..my cousin is trying to get the info for me

20

Great sadzzz, I’ll be waiting! :flower2:

My personal opinoin is that depending on how the relationship ended and the level of my seriousness with the person (kinda odd to think of it as I’d rather not be in one in the first place) I’d probably keep the “presents,” “cards” and personal things he’s given me (as I would be offended if he tried to return stuff I’ve given him) - return the ones that he might still be able to use as well as the ones with excessive value (jewelry and stuff )without turning it into a big fiasco - and then personally putting it all in a box or in an inconspicous place so that I could “move on” (be rid of the memories and “completely get over each other”, to quote CurruptAngel). I personally think it is kinda rude to return things if the relationship ended normally (but we’re all entitled to an opinion and I totally support my friend here), and I wouldn’t want my gifts to be returned either. If the relationship didn’t last long and/or lacked the emotional connection or whatever of a normal one, I’d return everything. Keeping things doesn’t neccessarily mean we havne’t moved on, and throwing them/giving them away doesn’t mean we have - in fact it could possibly mean otherwise.