So who believes it’s possible to mind your own, keep secrets and avoid interference from other family members in desi families?!
I’m married to my Khalas son, and my mum has 5 sisters. When one finds out something (and gets told to keep it quiet) she’ll call up another sister, tell her to keep quiet and they go around in a circle until all sisters know. What’s the point in keeping it a secret?! There isn’t really one is there.
The things I think it’s worth keeping a secret are:
pregnancies until at least 12 or 20 weeks
potential ristaas until something is actually confirmed
exam results until they come out offically
stuff that really doesn’t have anything to do with others.
Why is it some aunties feel they should know everything about everyone? I really don’t like telling people stuff, and it seems now everyone knows I’m expecting-I really didn’t want them to know as it’s my first and well I’m having a bumpy time and would do with not having their advice (do this, don’t do that, eat this, don’t eat that).In my defence, none of my aunts have had diabetes so really don’t understand the medical advice I get.
Sorry for this rant, I just find it frustrating that family find it acceptable to talk about you when you are not around, or offer you advice when clearly it’s not needed!
You are taking it way too seriously. But everyone is designed differently. Let them do whatever they want. If you don't welcome your relatives, you should be straight up with them. Unnecessary information transfer is a bad habit I agree but what the heck man. 'why so serious'. As long as it is not damaging any relationship choose to ignore it. If some sort of destruction is involved, then its a totally different ball game.
Tomorrow, if you come up and post a thread saying your mom said such and such to so and so. I personally would not appreciate it. And I am sure your mother won't either.
So, I suggest you take it easy. You be honest. You be sincere. Leave the rest to Allah.
I completely understand what you mean....I wanted to keep my pregnancy a secret until 12 weeks also so I told my mom strictly not to mention it to anyone or i'll be "naraaz"...well, she went ahead and told all her close friends and simply told them to not let me know that they know. ummm? so its like I'M the outsider and its actually THEIR secret now. I was so angry when I found out, I confronted my mom and directly asked her what the heck she planned on doing if I had a miscarriage, or if there was a genetic abnormality and i decided to abort? and she simply shrugged it off as something that can't possibly happen...i still get upset thinking about it. i mean, why can't we be in charge of our own life without being subject to other people's judgements and criticism?
If you don't want anyone to know....then don't tell ANYONE! Especially if you know that the people (your mom, cousins, khalas....whoever) are not capable of keeping secrets.
When my best friend got pregnant, she didn't tell ANYONE! Literally no one....not even her husband, not even her mom, and not even me. She finally told me and her husband when she was around 10 weeks....and then a few weeks later, they finally shared the news with their families.
When my BF's brother's wife got pregnant, the brother/wife did not tell anyone (not even their own parents) until they were around 15 weeks.
If you don't want others to know, then don't tell anyone!
I didn't=that's the point. A senior within the family knew because of their relationship to us and that's how the circle of talking began.
Before someone says "how did they guess" I was extremely ill, and when when a senior in the family suggested to my husband I went to hospital he said the situation was under control the doctors had seen me I was fine. That was translated as the news and passed on. Noone asked us why the news had not been passed on, it was simply passed on with a side note of "don't tell anyone".
My issue is often the truth gets mixed with spices and the actual truth gets left behind and you get the start of "oh you didn't tell me first, you told so and so". This can potentially damage ristaas amongst a family Stolenights and as you rightly put everyone is designed differently. I know family of mine is wired differently to the way I'm thinking, hence me expressing that I'd prefer for them not to talk about anything personal to me. To avoid this amongst the family I only announce things when good and ready and when I can speak to everyone in the family. That's a right surely someone has? Or maybe I'm a coconut.
Some of my khalas are married into families that have no connection to myself or my husband-I don't like the idea of my family discussing personal things to me in a household where there is people (in particular where there is men who I have no relation to!). Why should a bloke I don't even know have the information that I am expecting.
For the record I have expressed to my family when I have visited them in Pakistan that I would appreciate that they didn't speak of my homelife to others, that would include change of jobs, my plans to visit Pakistan or future pregnancies.
And also, Stolenights, and any others who are reading this as my mother is the one who actually started this I never put that.
Someone sent me a private message saying this is widespread across a lot of 'aapne'families-I do have some non-desi family and their way of gossiping is still gossiping but isn't actually to the degree some may do it. Does that make sense? No of course if doesn't but it does to me. I can't really generalise on the whole non-desi family situation, gossiping I guess could be classed as a part of human nature?! Or something similar, but why talk about those requesting privacy.
I can't change those family mentioned, so what are my options? To accept they will talk even in front of men who I have no relationship to?
Oh lord why make such a big deal about it?? Fine ok you want to keep it a secret but it didn't happen. Ab kia kar sakhtay hain?? It ain't life and death you know. I didn't tell anyone but my close family about my pregnancy but if anyone does find out, I don't care! Itna bhi bara issue nahi hai keh fuzol ka stress layeen.
Spiral, okay for you this isn't a big issue and I respect your input.
The point I'm making is this happend this time, and now family is chatting away and it turns out it's happend everytime something happens from something trival to rearranging travel plans, my latest purchases to little things that make no difference to everyone else. The last time their chatting got out of control (and ended up with my mamu stopping communication with me as he felt noone had told him anything) is when they announced by engagement without me even knowing I was engaged. It's like its fun for them bless them, but it's not fun for those who get chatted about.
I just wish to have the privacy and option to share any information that I wish to when I want to rather than being pushed into a corner by family because they all think they know the truth.
As everyone is older than me, all I can do is explain my opinion of preferring to keep things private. I can't cut them all off, they are family I'm looking for practical advice on how to handle the situation as I've had to face the truth that this will happen again because I cannot cut myself off completely considering who I am married to.
I'm curious, does this trivial gossipy type stuff (travel plans, purchases) about other members in your family come to you as well; ie your cousin bought something worth so and so; your uncle is taking his family on vacation to "x" place. Or are you the only topic of gossip for the entire family? IF it's the former; not too much you can do about it other than keep whatever happens to you between you and your husband and make sure he doesn't blab.
I'm curious, does this trivial gossipy type stuff (travel plans, purchases) about other members in your family come to you as well; ie your cousin bought something worth so and so; your uncle is taking his family on vacation to "x" place. Or are you the only topic of gossip for the entire family? IF it's the former; not too much you can do about it other than keep whatever happens to you between you and your husband and make sure he doesn't blab.
My aunts try to tell me stuff, I usually change the subject or tell them I've got stuff cooking on the stove and escape the conversation. They start the conversation with either 'have you heard' or 'don't tell anyone but' so that's my cue to make my excuses and leave the phone. None of my other cousins are married yet, so the stuff about them will be to do with 'this ristaa came' 'she did this' and so on and so on.
Husband agrees with you Partyslims-we'll continue staying quiet about everything and hopefully another cousin will get married or do something far more interesting and the spotlight can move onto them-it's been on me since 1999, it's getting silly now.
