where desis tend to keep their personal problems or family crisis or conflicts in the family and even their close friends.. the ones where you go to the dinner parties and family friends gatherings are not even aware of the turmoil… if its not health related cuz ppl tend to tell that…
but say.. if your having marriage problems
or suffering from some sort of abuse
who do you talk to? do you go to councelling.. or is trend still staying.. where you keep it in the family…
Unfortunately our society is generally a very hypocritical and insecure one. And one state explains the reason for the other.
People will not share their problems because they are afraid that others will "talk". Problems fester and grow worse. Breakdown occurs and they arrive at the same place they didn't want to be in the first place. Airing laundry in public.
There is a difference between just yappin about your personal life at social gatherings versus talking to a trusted friend to get feedback etc.
There are matters that one should not discuss, small disagreements, arguments etc etc..because people do gossip and you can end up making yourself and other ppl in the family look like fools.
For serious stuff such as spousal abuse etc, one should get the right help..again the right help is not the gang chatting over coffee at gymkhana
I feel the desis in general bring too much of their family or housegold stuff in public. I hear aunties byatch about their husbands or bahoo or son or whatever to other aunties in gatherings all the time.
I guess we just go about talking to the wrong people about the wrong stuff..and not talk to the right ppl bout teh right stuff.
As Fraud says there are different aspects, and you need to choose trusted people to talk to and not make a big deal about small things.
However there are families that will not tell their bahus or damats when they are having probems and don't allow their children to tell their spouses. I have seen a case where people knew that a girl was getting engaged but her bhabi hadn't been told yet! Yet they expected her to pitch in and help.....
I wonder, if we were more open and positive about the issues closest to us, if they would be discussed in a different way????
Pakistani family politics is all about cheap thrills and it's damn exciting too. Bottom line is, in our culture people derive sensation out of everything they can get hold of and knowing that, they tend to keep it in their families. It's a whole big intertwined web of sensationalism, dramatism, and emotionalism (I had few dozens other isms too but it was tiresome to put them all here).
[This message has been edited by Roman (edited February 19, 2001).]
Airing your dirty laundry in public for all, will only serve to hurt you, whether you are abroad or in desi-land. Not many people would enjoy hanging out with a un-funny, nuerotic Woody Allen. I agree with Fraudiya, that one should be prudent in choosing a trusted confidant and not just blab everything out to just anyone willing to listen.
Roman has got it right. Back home there is an 'in-crowd' who is on the listserve of mohalla gossip: They get all the latest scoops and pass 'em around. That is not to say that this does not go on up here. Women in offices and those stuck at home, watching Oprah, Sally, Soaps are just as much into gossiping and backbiting and sensationalism(who do you think buys all of those tabloids in supermarkets ?) than any desi gal back home.
Culture really has very little to do with any of it. Its more human nature. Some are more wise and discreet than others.
Well I think talking about a problem to resolve it is a good thing. The trick is to find the right person to talk to. You don't need for everyone you know to be aware of your situation. Just the one person to whom talking to will actually do some good.
Everyones sympathetic but that doesn't help much. And the tendency to gossip and judge people when they are in trouble is extremely high amongst most (desi) people. Most of them (gossipers) don't have much to do anyhow. They just sit around and 'discuss' and worry about others. So of course they're gonna want to hear all your problems when you come running to them for help.
I think the underlying theme is put and shut up, which is why many people keep their problems inside the home.
Telling others, or taking action is considered be-izzati.
They have been bought up to feel it is wrong to discuss home matters with outsiders, and family members, i.e. parents, say we will sort it, but when an agreement is`nt reached they shrug their shoulders and say "well, you have to live with it".
Many dont see the point in getting help, because they are not strong enough to fight the problems themselves.
The well bred contradict other people, the wise contradict themselves.
Don’t think we can generalize the problem here. I am sure everyone responding have a certain “set” of problems that they are commenting about. Should those “set” of problems be kept within the family or not …
I personally am a private person. Dealing with problems in my own way and so even sharing with family sometimes is a challenge … lo and behold sharing it with outsiders!!!
People are diverse and not every problem have a single solution. Sometimes its good for someone to share his/her problems with others-makes him feel better and get some different ideas. Others might have a hard time telling someone what they are going through … and that’s their nature!!