I wish I knew the answer to that too. Because I know it can be really tough to let past hurts go.
I think the more you care about the person who hurt you…the harder it is to get over it, because you’ve invested more emotional energy in that person.
^That could be one reason for why the person is finding hard to let go completely. And I think it’s normal to occasionally think about the past…that’s human nature…those memories can be triggered by a variety of things. But if you’re so consumed to the point that you can think of absolutely nothing else during the day…that’s not healthy.
Another reason the person may be finding it hard to move on is because they didn’t receive any closure from the incident. Perhaps they weren’t able to express their hurt feelings to the offender…or perhaps they weren’t understood by the offender. So, the issue remains unresolved…like unfinished business with loose threads. And if that’s the case, then the individual can attempt to seek closure by talking to the offender (if that hasn’t been done before)…but there’s no guarantee that the offender will acknowledge his/her mistakes. And if you know that the other person is hardheaded and won’t change or apologize…then you have to provide your own closure rather than depend upon someone else to do it. And I guess you do that by reflecting over any lessons that you learned from the situation or any good that came out of it for you…and moving on.
Also, Safoora, you may be feeding their negative feelings without even realizing it. If someone is very bitter about past hurts…and if that’s the only thing they can talk about…they’re eventually going to ruin their relationships with others. People will only give emotional support for so long. After a while, they will get tired of hearing the same story over and over again. They may even begin to avoid you because they’d rather associate with someone more positive. A bitter/negative person can also drain their friends of energy as well. It can be exhausting for both the complainer and the empathetic listener.
You may mean well by listening to their ranting…but if you’ve already heard the story enough times…then you need to tell the loved on that “You’re complaining is not going to resolve the issue and it can hurt your more positive relationships with other people if you spend most of your time talking about the past. This constant focus on the negative is consuming you and it’s draining me of energy as well. It’s healthier to focus on the positive things, so from now on…I’m not going to talk to you about this past issue. Venting your feelings can provide relief sometimes…and other times reliving the past is like opening up the same wound letting it bleed all over again.” So…if they start talking about the past…change the subject. Or limit your time with them…or maintain a distance for a while. This might encourage the person to think about how their behavior is affecting you and others…they might try to redirect themselves.
^Apart from not feeding their bitterness…you also have to realize that if you’ve done your best to guide someone and nothing changes…then you just leave the person alone to learn their lesson the hard way. Sometimes negative experience is a better teacher than scolding/guiding words.
wow mashAllah! you’re a thinker, huh?
see the thing is, I could be wrong and I hope I am- but they’re ruining their current relationships and i think its because of that one past incident. we don’t talk about it as much anymore, mostly because when its mentioned i keep quiet and they eventually move on from that subject. I’m gonna try to ask them to not talk about it at all and hopefully your reverse psychology of they will stop thinking about it will work iA. I cannot leave them to learn it the hard way, its gonna be way too much for them- i know it and that’s why its my moral obligation to keep pushing.
P.S. thank you so much, you’re awesome! I’m gonna stop derailing this place with my problem.
