okay as requested here is a zabardasti ki critic:D
First of all the idea is beautiful, which is very essential in poetry, the thought, imagination, which i beleive is beautiful indeed.
Now that u have the basic theme of what u gona write u have to make a sequence in which u gona present it, the most comman structures are:
compairing positive negetives both points together (mostly used when u r trying to be nutrul on issue or if u r gona take either side u have a strong effective points for ur favoured side)
The structure u used, & used it quite beautifully.
if u r going against the topic, mention the good qualities first, & then slowly turn to its bad effects & make em stronger as thats what u wanted to prove or vice versa if u going in favor.
then it comes to words, independant words & arrangement of words., note that in Gazal, both are important, u have to arrange the words beautifully along with to maintain the “tuk bandi” probebly one of the reason most shairs prefer nazams which are relatively easy.
In nazams, indepantant words are not that important (u dont have to worry about tuk bandi) but the arrangement is very very important, & the theme.
now lets analys some of the lines from ur nazam.
kabhi yeh khayal aaya…
keh yeh zindagi kia hai?
kabhi lagti hai haseen
tau kabhi iss mein raaz pinhaan hein
I just feel the last line should be some what smaller, bcos the first three lines are relatively small, or even arange the words to divide iot into two lines. e.g.
tua kabhi zindagi mein…
chand raaz hain pinhaan
jahan koi na ho ghum
see that ur emphasize is on “Gham” where there is no Ghum, & to make that emphasize the key word is “Koi” koi bhi gham nahi… tu i think these two words should be closer to make the emphasize better e.g.
jahan na ho, koi gham.
kabhi yeh batayey keh mohabbat se hai sub kuch
kabhi yeh akhey keh mohabbat nahin kuch
i would prefer the word “samjhai” instead of “bataiye” bcos actually zindagi dont speak, but can teach thru experiances tu samjhati tu hai per batati nahi… u can use words like bataie, but mostly they are used when us ke jesa koi word na hu.
& like i said dont worry about tuk bandi in nazam, … u can make slight changes ur second line too. e.g
kabhi yeh samjhai keh mohabbat se hai sub kuch
kabhi yeh kehti hai ke mohabbat, tu kuch bhi nahin
aaahhhhhh chalo ab mein thak gaya i think u already got the idea. Basically its very beautiful, the idea, theme is great, just lil mis balanced words, but beleive me for a beginer thats thats awsome, even professional poets make alot of these kinda mistakes, i dont know why, maybe to just write alot of material & to sell itout, but Poetry is an art, an art that represent ur feelings, ur thoughts & u want them to be beautiful, not to just sell them out.
Best of luck, just a lil practise with ur words & u will be just a greate poet, Inshah Allah.
This part of your poem is beautiful and philosophical. I appreciate your imagination and vision. Keep writing as I think you have fantastic ideas right within you. :k:
Bohat khoob &Passionate:k: It’s lovely:flower1:.
Just a small note. Don’t exhaust yourself in
technicalities. Write whatever comes to your
mind and things will automatically fall in place for
you. There is no diploma to become a poet.
We will be waiting for your next item
i think u already got the idea. Basically its very beautiful, the idea, theme is great, just lil mis balanced words, but beleive me for a beginer thats thats awsome, even professional poets make alot of these kinda mistakes, i dont know why, maybe to just write alot of material & to sell itout, but Poetry is an art, an art that represent ur feelings, ur thoughts & u want them to be beautiful, not to just sell them out.
k: :k: