** ok this one i think most of u have read cuz its quite famous..but n e how posting it here…for those who havent..its a bit long but u will enjoy it **
REPORT: An investigation into the process of Arranged marriages in India.
The Selection Process:
It is never easy finding a bride or a groom. That is the reason the Guy Upstairs created the middleman (vechola). Of course, in the space-age we live in it could also be a computer matching the couple-to-be, but more likely would be the “Wanted” ads in the major newspapers (des pardes) where a typical matrimonial for a bride runs as follows:
Wanted; Tall, fair, beautiful, cultured, professional girl for well-settled, Punjabi khatri boy in his late twenties, drawing a 5 figure income. Caste, creed, religion no bar. Sex baar-baar (baar-baar means Again and Again in Punjabi !!).
Translation:
We are desperate! We have a 29 1/2 year old son who’s never been on a date. He earns very little which he blows on booze and gambling anyway. We don’t give a sh*t who the girl is as long as she has a decent reputation. And the guy is getting desperate!
A typical matrimonial for a groom usually goes like this:
Wanted; Tall, handsome, well-settled, professional boy, 26-28 yrs. for fair, beautiful, homely Aggarwal girl finishing her MA this year. Send returnable photo.
Translation:
We are sick and tired of all these bozos we’ve been seeing for our daughter! We want to marry her off before she starts getting ideas of a career and gets out of hand. Her boyfriends are beginning to become a pain in the ass. Non- Aggarwals need not apply! And dorks; stay away!
Either through the newspaper or the vechola (usually the massi’s bhabhi’s younger sister’s friend’s aunt who has nothing better to do than make matches and then bore the whole world with details of all the “successes” she’s had with getting people together!) the respective parents finally narrow the list to the “good” prospects. Then comes the harrowing part of going to teas (and dinners) to meet the meat. The shopping is underway!
Boy Meets Girl; Girl Meets Boy; Girl’s Younger Sisters go to the Movies
This is the crucial stage! First impressions last for a long, long time and word-of-mouth about lousy first impressions can ruin ones future prospects. So, it’s time for the finest silk and polyester to come forth and drape the girl and guy, respectively. The guy arrives in the traditional white pants (flared), 2" thick black belt, white “dress” shoes with brown heels, and hair (shoulder length) combed back with lots of brylcream. The girl’s parents take one look and gasp for breath. “Was this the guy Maindhoondtihoon(I-will-search) Behen(Sister) recommended so highly!?” they wonder. The younger brother blurts out, “Hello, so you are the new bakra (goat)!?” and is quickly silenced and sent to the other room never to be seen or heard from again.
After the usual “Namastes-jees” and “Beta idhar aake bethos” the BIG moment arrives. The bride-to-be-or-not- to-be arrives all decked out in the finest silk sari that her mom could borrow from the neighbors. Tea set in hand (which, of course, belongs to Mrs. Merateasetlelo(take-my-tea-set) down the street) she walks towards the groom-to-be-or-not-to-be a little hesitatingly. Her parents look at her adoringly forgetting for that instant all the hassles they had to go through to get her to agree to see this highly recommended catch. She peeks at the guy and almost faints! What are they all thinking about, you ask? Our extensive investigation indicate the following trains of thought and what they actually say when the girl enters:
Bride-to-be-or-not-to-be: (Eeeks! I spend the rest of my life with this!?) Hello (to the guy) Namastejee (to the ma and pa)
Groom-to-be-or-not-to-be: (Drooldrooldrool Hmmm…I wonder if my drool is very obvious? Maybe I should wipe it off…?) Namaste (to the girl).
Guy’s Dad: (Hmmm..I wonder if Mr. Ladkikabaap(Bride’s father) knows anyone in the Ministry..) Namaste beti (to the daughter).
Guy’s Mom: (Did I just see her stoop to the left a little when she walked…?) Beti mere paas aake baitho.
Gal’s Dad: (Hmmm..I wonder if Mr. Droolerkabaap(Drool’s-Dad) knows anyone in the Industry..) Beti chai idhar rakh do.
Gal’s Mom: (God, I hope she doesn’t drop the tea pot all over him… Yeh chai Hotbabe beti ne banai hai (This tea is made by our daughter Hotbabe).
With this the small talk takes over as everyone drinks the tea (prepared, of course, by the cook!). The usual questions are asked pertaining to the girl’s life history in general. The guy just stares at his cup of tea wondering what to say or do. The girl’s dad notices his daughter being grilled and decides to step in and save her with:
Gal’s Dad: Beta, tum bahut chup-chup hoe…
Guy: (Flustered) Gulp Jee, Jee… Blush (a manly one though)
Guy’s Mom (to the rescue!): Ajee yeh tow aisa he hai. Zyaada bolta-balta nahi.
Girl: (Thinks – Yeah, sure!)
Guy’s Dad: Bhai aapki doosri ladkiyaan nahi dikhai deteen.
Gal’s Mom: Woh, woh picture dekhne gayi hain…
Guy’s Mom (the ever suspicious one thinks): Hmmm…I wonder why? Must ask Maindhoondihoon(I-will-find-someone) Behen(sister) about them..
While all this is transpiring, the guy’s mom is doing some fast thinking for the future of her son. Her suspicion of the “stoop while the girl walked” has blossomed into a “I’m certain she stooped to the left while she was walking.” She blurts out:
Guy’s Mom: Beti, zara chal ke dikhana… (Daughter, just show me your walk…)
Girl: Kya!?!
Guy: (Mouth open, drools – a small puddle is now visible on the floor.)
A pregnant pause ensues. Things are definitely not going well. Besides, the samosas are too salty. Then the girl’s mom diplomatically says:
Gal’s Mom: Haan, haan Hotbabe beti. Joe aunty kehti hain karke dikha do.
Girl: (A more disbelieving) Kya!?!
So, very reluctantly, she gets up to do “The Walk” that could well determine her fate and future. After a tantalizing (to the guy) and agonizing (to the girl) 2 minutes the guy’s mom looks visibly satisfied realizing that the girl’s stoop was an optical illusion created by the high refractive index of the silk Kanjivaram sari she is wearing. Meanwhile, the girl’s looking at the guy as if asking, “Now, let’s see you pull that off!” Seeing the obvious stare the guy gets a little flustered wondering, “Maybe she is ‘forward’. The way she’s looking at me…” The meaning of the stare is completely lost on him.
The Decision:
The crucial point is fast approaching. A decision is to made about the future course of action and whether these two lonely hearts are to be united or an attempt at doing so looked into further.
Girl’s Mom: Haan, tho behenjee, phir aapka kya khyaal hai…
Guy’s Mom: Ajee, behenjee, hamare kehne say kya hota hai. Aajkal ke zamane mein tho ladka-ladki maan jaye yahi kafi hai hamare liye.
Girl’s Dad: Bhai, ladka bhi yahin hai aur ladki bhi. Inhe he baat karne do phir…
Guy’s Dad: Haan, haan. Hum beech mein kabab mein haddi kyun bane. HA HA HA!!
Guy: (Looks all around with a what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this-agony look) Gulp
Girl: (Feeling a sense of euphoria coming on and realizing that this was it – A ONE-ON-ONE!!) Forced Blush (Writer’s Interjection: Yes, folks, it is possible to do that without much makeup. One just has to think of the time when one was caught necking with one’s boyfriend in the park.)
The One-on-One (a.k.a. The End):
This is it! This is the moment she has been waiting for. Now there is no hiding behind mummyjee’s generous behind for Mr. Shadi-karane-chale-the-bhaisaab(He-who-would-like-to-get-married)! In an effort to “take control of the situation” ouR hero initiates the talk…
Guy: You look bhery one-durr-full…
Girl: (Controlling the smirk) Thanks. So, what are you doing these days?
Guy: I am between jobs now. Spend lots of time at home these days…
Girl: And what do you do at home (“Help mummy with the samosas I bet,” she thinks)?
Guy: Oh, I read lots of magazines…
Girl: What are you favorite ones…?
Guy: Oh, Stardust, Femina, Eve’s Weekly etc …(All these are women’s mags.)
Girl: (Almost rolls over in hysterics) Oh…mmmmmffff…achcha…(Oh Yeah)
Guy: Would you like to go summ-dhay to a ress-traant(resturant)…
Girl: Ummm…I don’t think so…
Guy: (Devastated look) Oh…
The end is near (as any person can tell by now) to this entire ordeal for our heroine-of-the-moment. Of course, next time the tables could be turned and the whole situation reversed! The amazing thing is that when a rejection is conveyed it is always a two-sided deal. That is, the girl and boy reject each other simultaneously. One never hears that the girl/boy rejected the other. It’s as if the decision is reached at the same instant in time. And so, after all this, we find that their respective egos are still intact for the next such encounter!
©!²ºº¹¸.·´¯·.¸¸.·´¯· .® **..kiyonkay DONG kabhi WRONG nahi HOTA **®·´¯·.¸¸.·´¯·.²ºº¹!©
LOVE IS STRONG,
LOVE IS SWEET,
WHEN TWO HEARTS MEET,
LOVE IS COMPLETE.”