As the title says, my mum dropped this bombshell on me last week. We we just talking about our lives and families and she just came out with it. Turns out my late father had a fling whilst married to my mum who was pregnant with my older brother at the time.
To be quite honest, I’m not that shocked because my brother told me this years ago when I must have been about 11. I didn’t take this seriously as I didn’t understand or realise the implications of such a thing.
What hurts is that my father didn’t tell us, I know that it’s quite a taboo topic but all my life I have wished for a sister as I really believe my life felt a little bit incomplete without one. My parents knew I always yearned for one and I just feel that they should have told me. I’m in my 40s now and from what I understand from my mums admission, my half sister is a few months older than me. I have absolutely no information about her, or her mother or where she was born. I just have the year of birth and my fathers full name.
i don’t know how to handle the situation and i don’t want to upset my mother because this is obviously a very delicate and sensitive matter. She doesn’t want to be reminded of how my dad strayed and had a love child. He actually told her when his child had been born.
What would you do in this situation? I have two brothers and only my older one knows. I am assuming that my fathers older brother knew about this too as they were both here on their own in London during the 60s. My uncle and his family had a massive fall out with my mum just before my father passed away and since then, have had no contact with each other. However, I see him now and again and we do exchange pleasantries.
I really want to find her but don’t want to upset my mum or open a can of worms. I have nothing to go on and it’s really knocked me for six.
Re: Just discovered I have a long lost sister, please help.
That's a though one. I really don't have a good answer to this. On one hand you making an effort to meet her will potentially upset your Mum. On the other hand: She is your half-sister so you wanna have some sort of contact at least. If you decide to go for the latter option, don't do it behind your mother's back. It's probably going to be a though conversation but you need to ask your Mum whether she'd be ok if you would try to trace down your half-sister. She might understand your wish to see her.
Keep one thing in your mind: None of this is your, your sister's or your Mum's fault. It was only your Dad's. But you are obviously all affected by it.
Re: Just discovered I have a long lost sister, please help.
If I were you, I would first have an open/honest conversation with my mom and BOTH my brothers. It will be a painful/emotional conversation but it needs to happen. I would find out how they would feel if I chose to locate my half-sister.
Of course, if my mom and 2 brothers support my idea to locate her...I would go ahead and locate her BUT keep in mind that my half-sister may hate me and my family b/c she might blame us for not knowing her biological father. You have no idea what she was told by her mother about her biological father (ie. your dad).
But if my mom and 2 brothers do not want the half-sister located, then I would really ask myself whether or not locating her is worth causing MAJOR emotional turmoil within my current family. Can I live through the family drama that might happen if I locate her without my mother/brothers support? Can I live the rest of my life NOT knowing who my half-sister is or how her life has been?
There is no right or wrong answer to this. It's a crappy situation either way.
Re: Just discovered I have a long lost sister, please help.
This is an extremely difficult situation.
What would I do?
The way I see it, I will be hurt either way, so I would try to search for her.
If I don't search for her, the curiosity will eat me alive.
But if I do find her and she hates me, that would hurt like hell.
You should search for her. Who knows what condition she's living in. She never had a father to support her. She probably really needs you. And you've always wanted a sister, so maybe this is the time.
If I were you, I would not tell my mom. It would devastate her. Even though it's never the love-child's fault, but your mom will understandably not want anything to do with her.
Start with birth certificate data. Your father's name is hopefully on her birth certificate.
I work with death certificate data (which is obviously different from BC data since DC is public info, but I'm not sure if birth data is easily available).
Many of the death certificates in major American cities are blank for father's name.....that may be because the family doesn't know about the father, or they just refuse to acknowledge him. I hope that's not the case with your sister's birth certificate. I hope her mother wrote your dad's name on her birth certificate. There's a good chance that she did because you're saying that your father knew about her birth so he was probably involved in the official documents process.
If money is not an issue, you can hire a personal investigator. They are usually retired police officers and they have access to government documents or they have sources in police departments and government offices.
So if this is UK, you may want to start with General Register office.
Date of birth is good info
Fathers name you have
If this is late 60s or early 70s I believe fathers name may have been required then but not sure.
If you had any way of knowing the name of the mother it would be if tremendous help.
There are also investigators who know what they can or can not find with the data you have.
Maybe look them up and see.
I would say go for it, while upsetting to your family, you are all victims including her, and dare I say..she probably more so.
Re: Just discovered I have a long lost sister, please help.
Went to my mums today for lunch and asked her for some more information. She was relaxed when I asked her and to my surprise, she wasn't angry or annoyed that I broached the topic again. I explained my need to find my sister and that she and my late father should not have kept this from me for all these years. She is adamant that she has no information about the other woman and I totally believe her.dhe is also fasting so I know she would not lie about a delicate topic like this. She also told me that my other brother knows too.
My mum also told me that if I dig deep and find my sister, his adultery will be exposed and put him in a bad light. Culturally, that is a very taboo subject and my mum doesn't want his name to be dragged through the mud. She is still loyal to him even now, despite his treachery. She also wants no involvement in my sisters life when and if I do find her.
I have been in touch with the Salvation Army and am thinking about putting in a notice in the local newspaper. My best friend has also suggested making a Facebook page in the hope of jogging some memories.
Thank you for reading. Would be grateful for more helpful ideas in the absence of vital information.
Re: Just discovered I have a long lost sister, please help.
It shouldn't be too difficult to find her esp if your father's name could be on her birth certificate.. You can check birth records etc and then piece together all the bits of info like her mother's address and so on to build up a bigger picture..
192.co.uk is an easy site to find basic details like current + past addresses, birth (more recent) and marriage records.. There are other sites that also have similar info and if you hit a brick wall there are always private investigators..
Good luck and good for you for wanting to find her :)