I don’t really know where to start. I can’t remember my last post on the forum so not sure how much people know. So I eventually went to Pakistan without my dad and we managed the whole trip. I got nikkaed and had an amazing wedding. Spent time with family and husband for a whole month and it was the best time of my life. Eventually we returned and my mum made maintained contact with our father and I was asked to take my siblings for supervised contact.
The problem is, my mum just won’t leave my dad at all. In the sense that she takes his views/opinions so seriously. Her siblings have explained to her that he is only plotting against her not with her. to top it off he has hours long conversations with his ex wife. My mum is turning against me because of my dad and we used to have the most amazing relationship.
The other thing that is really annoying is that everytime I try and explain to my mum that she shouldn’t be letting her self respect go like - she turns it into a personal attack on me and husbands relationship. She keeps saying things like oh - your newly married and you have no clue. Your husband will also turn like dad soon - its in all mens nature etc etc. Abhi nai pata na. Bad me pata chale ga.
And it puts a real downer on me because I feel like I am not appreciated after all I did for mum. Since the past 6 months I have single handedly moved my mum and siblings out of an abusive relationship, got a house and everything set up - paids bills rent everything. I didn’t allow my mum to even feel like she was in a difficult situation. Only I know how difficult it was for me just because of my dad. He agreed to the wedding and booked the tickets using my money and didn’t pay a penny towards the trip, shopping wedding anything. He didn’t even give me his blessings. I know he is my dad but honestly he has hurt me too much. I love him and feel guilty about my feelings but i also feel hurt about the things he keeps doing to continue hurting us. And keeps saying things like you will find out when Husband and co hurt you etc.
It’s really putting me down and I just don’t know what to say or do. On top of that I am working 60+ hours a week to support my family and sponsor the husband
Can I ask what your plans are after your husband comes wherever you are? Will you be able to continue to support your family and sibling and your husband while he gets his feet on the ground?
I think you've taken on too much and while I understand that you did it out of love for your mother, its a good idea to keep people in the loop so they don't think life just happened. No, it takes a lot of work to make it happen. You should have delegated responsibilities and shared everything with your mom. It would have made her aware of all that was happening so she understood the ground realities. Even if it made her feel guilty...at least her guilt would have made her careful.
As for her saying things that make you feel down...she's an older woman who's very much set in her ways. You talking to her about this is useless. Ignore it. Don't respond to it - simply ignore it. Now that you've taken on so much...you've also got no choice in the matter but to listen and ignore.
Also, my advice is to not live with your parents/mom/siblings after your husband gets here. At all. Make sure your husband works an odd job as soon as he has a work permit and helps pay the bills - even if you make more than enough. Stop playing everyone's care taker...you're eventually going to cripple those around you.
Can I ask what your plans are after your husband comes wherever you are?
Also, my advice is to not live with your parents/mom/siblings after your husband gets here. At all. Make sure your husband works an odd job as soon as he has a work permit and helps pay the bills - even if you make more than enough. Stop playing everyone's care taker...you're eventually going to cripple those around you.
I couldn't agree more with this. Plz dont all live together when your husband gets here, it will only affect your relationship with him. And once any damage is done ESP by family members who don't appreciate you, then the damage is irreversible.
Marriage is hard work esp at the beginning and any interference whatsoever just makes life harder.
You have already made things difficult for yourself by financially supporting everyone, let them help, you shouldn't be carrying all the burden. What I can't understand is why your mum is turning back towards your dad after all that you have all been through.