Well…at uni you are surrounded by different types of people…one set of people are certainly those who are glad to be away from the family because now they have the freddom to do whatever they please…and these lot tend to be out of control…so they drink as much if not more than your average person…sleep around a bit more…the hijab comes off etc…they can finally do those things they couldnt do because they’re parents were always there to restrict them…
This for me is confused people…becuase they end up putting on different shows depending on who they are in front of…a la schizos…so one thing with their gals…boyfriends…parents and at the masjid…Non Muslims seem a lot more simpler to read cos they never have to maintain this dual personality…they do what they think is right and what is wrong…not what mummy says is wrong but i think is right if you get what i mean…
My mothers perspective was always to let me do whatever i wanted to do…because she would rather have a relationship with me where she knew what i was up to…she would advise me not tell me what to do…so becuase of that i have certain boundaries…but at the same time others would argue that i have too much freedom…becuase i am open about what i do…my mum gets stick when more often than not their kids are out doing the same things if not worse…just they dont know about it…
So to the parents on GS…do you feel it is better to restrict your children or do you let them experience life…so when they say im invited to a party are you like thats fine…or do you keep them home?..
Just curious as to what your views are…becuase my perspective is restriction leads to people doing things anyway…just people dont feel they can communicate with their parents…like trust my friend has never brought up sex in his household but it certainly happens outside his household…woudnt you prefer knowing what you’re children do?..
Or do people think restriction is good…as it outlines what is right and wrong albeit forcefully?..
Your mom had the right approach. Repression cause frustration and naivette...makes for good house pets not children. Human beings are born free, the more they are restricted the more they rebel..it is innate.
Discipline is good up to a certain level. There should be a healthy balance between freedom and restriction.
Like if there is a party at school for example, forbidding your child completely wouldn't be nice. When your child knows alchohol, dancing and smoking is forbidden, you can send her/him to that party and pick her/him up at a decent time. That way your child was present at that party with classmates instead of being an outsider, but he/she didn't do anything wrong either.
Forbidding children completely turns them into outsiders. As a teenager, that is hard.
Strict discipline is necessary. This doesn't mean creating "house pets" as someone above has mentioned.
If parents don't stress the importance of avoiding certain places and behaviours, society will gradually grow to accept once taboo aspects. Drug and alcohol use, promiscuity, gambling, etc., will slowly become acceptable.
Letting "humans run free" is akin to hatching chicks and letting them run around.
^ also controlling kids to the point where they become maladjusted misfits is also wrong. Desis are reprehensibly repressive. Muslim desis are even more so.
the original poster's mom has it right. Nothing wrong with teaching your kid to ive life through experiencing it. My parents never were that strict, neither with my sister or myself...we went on to college, got married, have successful careers, all the while we dated, went to parties, drank alcohol..heck even smoked a joint here or there.
by rearing children in an atmosphere of exclusion and paranoia, the parents do mor eharm than good.
I've known parents that wanted to be "friendly" with their kids so that they would not participate in certain activities behind their backs. These parents lost control and are now regretting their choice.
I've also know parents who refused to allow television in their homes for fear of corrupting their children. Those children, teens now, are long gone from those homes.
Pinstripe,
You say that your parents were never "that" strict. How strict were they? Honestly. What were you not allowed to do? What would land you in serious trouble?
I was not allowed to drink and drive. I was not allowed to date the girls without my parents knowing who they were. I was not allowed to take hard drugs... I was not allowed to kill, steal, maim, cause property damage or be harmful to animals.
I don't think I consider the above to be strict. My parents were more like my guides rather than the police.
It wasn't fear that made me toe the rules, it was their disappointment. Which carried a lot more weight than fear.
Children want to belong to a group, they want to be accepted. If there are no decent Pakistanis in your area, you can't forbid your children to become friends instead with some decent goray or others. That can be so lonely for a child.
It's better to let your child be friends with other decent kids and keep explaining it to respect the other ones differences but it's not good to participate in all they do. Children/teenagers understand a lot if you just explain them well and loosen the 'rope' just a little bit.
i guess it depends a great deal on what sort of friends you have and what you see others around you doing. most parents try to instill in their children what they think is 'right', some parents are extra strict maybe because they think that this will atleast hinder the children somewhat.....even though they recognize their strictness.
growing up i was encouraged to discuss every issue with my mom in theory but in reality whenever something happened my mom always acted like a mom, not a friend (lectures, dialogues etc). My dad was always great when it came to giving career advice and having discussions on politics, religion etc.....but there was always this formality between us and later on this caused quite a few problems. I promised myself that when I raise my kids i'll make sure we have an open relationship.....
Yeah, not when I was 10 years old or something but when I was 16 or so..I drank a little at parties, with my cousins…by the time we were 18-19, I was hitting the clubs and bars in NYC wiht my friends and cousins.
Absolutely, since highschool.
Just a little funky bud madam…no biggie… once a year or so in junior o rsenior year of highschool. A little in college…but that was a rite of passage more than an affliction
Yup yup…my parents were pretty chill, so to have them be disappointed would be th ebiggest crime. My parents always stressed moderation. Had a glass of wine with dinner wiht my parents since the age of 16. no biggie…didn;t mean you go and drown in the bottle. plus a little red wine is good for the heart.
Umm...once you hit university age, I don't think "children" describes these guys anymore. If they're sleeping around, putting up a dual show, etc. it's because they don't have the guts to be honest with their parents.
I know "kids" who bad mouth their parents, even abuse them (albeit verbally)...yet have no problem taking tuition from Mom and Dad. How nice.
If they want to live a dual life, it's their adult choice. Don't pass the buck entirely on to the parents. ;-)
Mind you, some parents aren't flawless either....they don't even want to say peep to their kids from the time they can walk...and expect things to just work out. Yet they act all shocked when they find out their "perfect" son in fact has a girlfriend and a kid on the way...these parents need to get real.
In either case you can't have it both ways, and that's what we all want I guess.
A parent can only teach and guide their kids. After that the kids have to have their own conscience and know right from wrong. A parent in this day and age has to be a part of their kids lives and be open to discuss many issues. I would rather my kids learn about sex and the world at home rather than their friends. I was always very open with my parents and they were with me. But being a girl they didn't always want to know that I was aware of certain things. It was hard for them to deal with. Looking back I realize that because my parents supported me and wanted to protect me that made me value myself. I didn't want to let them down. I wanted to live up to their hopes and expectations of me. I respected myself because they respected me. I want to do the same with my kids.
It's true....once kid hit an age where they may be dating or drinking, it's too late to be disciplining them.
The dual roles happen with every single case. Even the most straight-laced individuals play up at least a couple of times. This is a fact of life and anyone that believes their kids will share all/bare all with them is only fooling themself.
While we were growing up, my dad was (and still is )a principle minded guy. He has brought us up the way he was disciplined as a child. Extremely strict & orthodox but very broad minded.
My mum and her family's upbringing tend to focus on ensuring that our basic obligations as muslims should be complied with(e.g. reading our prayers 5 times a day, educating us about "religious" not cultural prohibitions etc) BUT on the other hand allowing them to enjoy the times of being a child & a teenager. This doesn't mean that they would be allowed to do what ever they pleased. Go to the music concert but be back by a certain time. It from their experience taught them how to respect the freedom that they had been given.
I think that if you attempt to take a no no approach with your children, they will rebel and just end up hating the person that is not allowing them to what they think is enjoying life at that age. Don't get me wrong, I wouldnt hold the same values and respect for others if it wasn't for my dad; but then daddy ji if you would have let me go shopping "with my friends" is the key word when I was a teenager, I wouldn't have had to have gone without you knowing :( I am so sorry dad, I felt so bad at the time:- forgive me )
in that case my mom is kewl .. its like therez no way i can hide anything from her .. she finds out one way or other .. over that, i just dont feel rite without telling her .. so 95% of wat i do, she is aware of .. rest counts in my privacy :P .. and unlike my dad she let me go party late nites but she keeps cheking on me which isnt that bad. its not that she dont believe me but its just she knows as a yng buck i can slide easily. but as for my studies my dad has allowed me to go whereever i want to persue my goals/dreams .. but on the other hand my mom wud never ever let me go .. and niether can i manage without her :)