Jokes :)

Hangout Humor (Rated G)
1

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

hahah :smiley:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me…

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
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Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

nice :k:

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Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

:omg: ipod one :omg:

4

Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

haha :omg:

5

Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

**hahahaha good **:hehe:

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Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

:cb:

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Re: Jokes :)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Re: Jokes :)

:p

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Re: Jokes :)

hahahah:D:D

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Re: Jokes :)

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

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Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

:omg:

12

Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

:omg: iPod

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Re: Jokes :)

Great jokes dude! Keep it up!

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Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

keep it up :omg:

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Re: Jokes :)

Couple jokes more which I think are funny :D

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital, where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "I haven't got the fingers" man says. The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?" "Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!"

A rude tourist was looking at paintings in a museum. He didn't find anything interesting and turned to the attendant while pointing to a large frame.
Tourist: (making an ugly face) Is this what you call art?
Attendant: No sir, this is what we call a mirror.
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There were three guys in a forest.
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your butt without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his butt and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your butt without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

One day a blond hurried up to her mailbox, then went back inside. she went back to her mailbox then went back inside. She did this about 5 more times. Her neighbor was watching while she kept doing it. Then the nieghbor finally ask, "you must be excepting something very important? The blond said no my computer is keep on saying you got mail

A doctor and lawyer were at a party. They were engaged in conversation when a guest approached and asked the doctor for some free medical advice. Not wanting to appear impolite, the doctor answered the question. After the guest had left, the doctor resumed his conversation with the lawyer. "I noticed no one has come up and asked you for free advice. How do you keep people from doing that?"

"Every time someone asks me for advice I send them a bill," the lawyer replied.

The doctor thought that was an excellent idea and, the next day, sent the guest a bill for $75. Two days later, the doctor received a bill from the lawyer for $150.

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police
officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively
more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her
purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying,

" Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

A 4 psychiatric patients is summoned by a doctor.
Doctor: Look there at the wall, there is a door(a door is drawn on the wall), if you manage to open the door, you are free.
Three of the patients hurriedly rushed to the door and trying to open the drawn doorknob. Only 1 left standing there doing nothing.
Doctor: Why didn't you go and open the door?
Patient: Don't fool us, the door cannot be opened.
The doctor is glad that one of them is cured. Then the patient went on.
"The door cannot be opened for only i have the keys!!"
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A man went overseas to attend a meeting. His wife and kid is at home. His wife had something to ask him so she called his kid to call daddy. The line got through and the kid said he heard the voice of a lady. The wife became furious, as soon as his husband reached home, she requested for an explanation. The husband did not say anything. The wife then asked the kid and wanted him to say out everything. The kid said "There was a lady talking, she said the number you dialed is not in service."

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Re: Jokes :)

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette that were in jail that decided to break out. When they went outside the only thing they saw was a barn and they decided to hide in there. Once they were in the barn, they found 3 burlap sacks. They each climbed into one. The police had followed them into the barn and found 3 burlap sacks. "I will kick the sacks just in case", the policeman said. He goes to kick the 1st sack with the brunette and she says, “BARK BARK!" The policeman says, "Oh, it’s just a dog", and moved to the next sack. The next sack had the redhead in it. When she was kicked she replied, "MEOW MEOW!" The policeman says, "Oh, it’s just a cat", and moves onto the last sack. The last sack had the blonde in it. And when the blonde was kicked her response was...."POTATOES!!!"

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Re: Jokes :slight_smile:

:hehe:

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Re: Jokes :)

Hahahha :D