Wish, With A Twist
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job.
A job that no man has ever succeeded at nor has ever even dared try."
“Poof!” said the genie.
“You’re a housewife!”
Sneaky Lawyer
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ‘My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.’
'Well put, ’ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.’
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Who is the Father
A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” The husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if…”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other three!”
Only In America
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Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
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Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
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Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
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Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
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Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
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Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
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Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Womens t’s
Slogans for women’s T-shirts:
• I’m out of estrogen - I have a gun.
• Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
• I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: six minutes.
• And your point is?
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
• I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I’m multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
• Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
• Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.
