The Southern father was introducing his family of boys to a visiting governor.
“Thirteen boys,” exclaimed the governor. “And all Democrats, I suppose.”
“All but one,” said the father proudly. “They’re all Democrats but Willie, the little rascal. He got to readin’.”
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish life-style went to a party.
The conversation turned to Mozart.
“Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!”
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, “Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning
I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island.” There was a
sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified.
He pulled her away and whispered, “We’re leaving right now. Get your
coat and let’s get our of here.”
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his
wife turned to him. “You’re angry about something.”
“Oh really?” You noticed?" he sneered. “I’ve never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney
Island? You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5 bus doesn’t go to Coney
Island?”
A nurse was showing some visitors through the hospital.
Pointing to a special section of a ward…a group of young men…she
said, “This is the most hazardous place for a nurse. These men are
almost well!”
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He
left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not
knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had
been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Said John to Mary, “I’ll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the
lips without touching them.”
“You’re crazy,” said Mary. “That’s impossible. Here’s a dime
that says you can’t.”
The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then
enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately,
and moistly. She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said,
“You did nothing BUT touch my lips.”
John pushed the dimes toward her and said, “So I lose.”
An inventor, seeking a loan from a bank, told his banker that he had discovered a substance that, brushed lightly over the pussy would give it an orange flavor.
The banker said, "No good, but I can assure you a lone if you invent something to put into orange that will smell like pussy.
A little boy got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and saw their parents bed room is open he walked in. His mother was giving a blow job to his father.
The boy walked out of the room muttering, “And they sent me to the doctor for sucking my thumb!”
Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.
Two elderly priests and a young boy wanted to buy train tickets to Pittsburgh at a railway station.The girl who was selling the tickets was wearing a V-neck. And every time she bent forward her boobs were displayed.
The young boy approached the ticket booth and said, “Miss, please give me three tickets to Tittsville.”
The girl said, "How dare you.
The first priest said, “Let me handle this, Miss, three picket to Tittsburg, please, and give me ticket in nipples and dimes.”
The second priest came forward to handle the situation that was getting worse.
“Three ticket to Pittsburgh, please, and you should dress more conservatively, young woman, or Saint Finger is going to point his peter at you!”
LITTLE HEAD
A big, burly, six foot man has a very tiny head, about the size of an orange. He goes into a bar and everyone in the place is staring at him as he asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender gives the man the drink and, unable to resist, says to the man, “I’m sorry, but I really have to ask. You’re such a big guy and you have such a small head. What happened?”
“Well,” squeaks the man, "I was walking along the beach one day when I saw this lamp half buried in the sand. I picked it up, rubbed it, and this beautiful genie appeared.
"She said, ‘You can have anything you want.’
“I said, ‘Okay, let’s screw.’
" ‘But,’” she said, " ‘genies don’t screw.’
“So I said, ‘All right, then how about a little head?’”
DON’T YOU WANT CHILDREN
A woman is going to marry a Greek man. And her mother is very concerned about that .So she tells her daughter that Greek men are a little strange so if your husband ever asks you to roll over. Don’t do that. Just pack your clothes and come home.
The woman gets married and everything was going OK, but one day Greek man says, “Honey, roll over now.”
The woman gets very upset and packs her clothes and is ready to go. The man gets very confused and says, “Honey, what’s the problem, where are you going.”
The woman says, “My mother told me that if you ever ask me to roll over I must leave you right away.”
The man says, “But, honey, don’t you want children.”
GLAD TO SEE YOU ARE THINKING
The teacher says, "OK class, today we’re going to play a game. I’m going to say a few words about something, and you try to tell me what I’m thinking about. Okay? Here we go.
“The first thing is a fruit, it’s round and it’s red.”
"Little Billy raises his hand and says, “It’s an apple.”
The teacher says. No it’s a tomato, but I am glad to see you are thinking.
“Now , the next one is yellow and it’s a fruit.”
Bobby raises his hand and says, “It’s a grapefruit.”
The teacher says, “No it’s a lemon, but I am glad to see you are thinking.”
Dirty Ernie is sitting in the back of the class.
Dirty Ernie says, “Hey teacher, mind if I ask you one.”
The teacher says, “No, go right ahead.”
Ernie says, “OK, I got something in my pocket. It’s long, it’s hard and it has got a pink tip.”
The teacher says, “Ernie that’s disgusting.”
Ernie says, “It’s a pencil, but I am glad to see you are thinking.”
GREEN SIDE UP
A woman wants some rooms to be painted. She sees a man doing some work across the street. She asks the man to come over. The man comes over. She takes him to the living room.
She says to him, “This room should be painted white.”
The guy says, “All right.” And goes over to the window and calls out, “Green side up.”
Next she says, “I think this room should be painted beige.”
The man goes over to the window and calls out, “Green side up.”
Then the woman points to another room and says, “And this room would look good in light blue.”
Once again the man yells out the window, “Green side up.”
The woman says, “Wait a minute, how come all these rooms can be green side up.”
The guy says, “Oh, no, that has nothing to do with your rooms. Actually, I have a Polish guy across the street laying some sod.”
I AM NOT YOUR FATHER
A woman starts dating a doctor and she gets pregnant. They don’t know what to do. But about the same time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for prostate gland infection.
The doctor delivers the baby, and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he says to the priest, “Father you are not going to believe that but you gave birth to a child.”
The priest says, “No it is impossible.”
The doctor says, “I just did the operation, and it’s a miracle.” and gives him the baby.
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he says to the boy, “Son I have to tell you something. I am not your father.”
The son says, “What do you mean by that,”
The priest says, “I am your mother the archbishop is your father.”
VASELINE
If you woke up in the morning and found Vaseline on your asshole, would you tell anybody.
No.
Would you go camping with me.
PERFECT PENIS
A teacher says to her second-grade class, “Children, we are going to begin sex education, and your first assignment is to find out what a penis is.”
Little Freddie goes home and asks his father, “Daddy what is a penis.”
His father pulls down his pants and points down, “This is a perfect penis.”
Next day before the class his best friend rushes up to him and says, “Freddie, I forgot to find out what a penis is. What’s a penis.”
Freddie takes his friend to the boys room, pulls down his pants, and points down and says, “If it was a little smaller it would be a perfect penis.”
MALE VOLUNTEER
A Polish man sees an ad in the newspaper that says:
WANTED: Male volunteer for Research Project.
$500. Call for details.
The Polish man makes a call and goes to the research center.
The scientist says, "The nature of this experiment is to find out that what would happen if a male has sex with a female gorilla. Your job would be to have sex with the gorilla.
The Polish man says, "All right, I will do it, but only under three conditions.
Number one, I will not kiss on her lips.
Number two, I will not spend the night with her.
Number three, five hundred dollars is too much, and I will pay that in installments.
FINALLY SCREWED HER
A man goes to the hospital to get the results of his physical examination.
The doctor says, “I have a good news and a bad news for you.”
The man says, “Give me the bad news first.”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, you have got only a month to live.”
The man says, “And what’s the bad news.”
The doctor says, “Do you know that great looking nurse, Pamela.”
The man says, “Yes.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, I finally screwed her.”
WALLET
A man goes to buy a leather wallet. The salesman shows him different wallets but he doesn’t like any of them. So the salesman says, "I have a very special thing for you, and I am sure you are gonna like it. And he shows the man a fancy wallet but the price is $500.
The man says, “How come it’s so expensive, it’s just a wallet.”
The salesman says, “It’s not an ordinary wallet, it is made up of dicks foreskin. If you rub it, it becomes a suitcase.”
TAKE IT ALL, BITCH
A elephant is walking Through the jungle and she accidentally steps on a thorn. She doesn’t know how to get the thorn out. Just then a mouse walks by.
The elephant says, "Dear mouse can you please get the thorn out. I will be very thankful and I will do anything you want me to do for you. The mouse uses all his strength and gets the thorn out of her foot.
Now the mouse says, “You said that you will do anything, right.”
The elephant says, “Yes I did.”
The mouse says, “I wanna have sex with you.”
The elephant is very surprised but says, “OK go ahead, help yourself.” The mouse climbs on her rear and going at. Having a real good time. Just above them a monkey is sitting on a coconut tree. He starts laughing because he never saw such a funny thing in his life. Because of his laughing the tree shakes so much that a coconut comes loose and hits elephant’s head.
She through her head back in pain and cries, “Ohhhh.”
The mouse looks down at her and says, “Take it all bitch.”
SPECIAL PIG
A traveling salesman goes to a farmer. He sees a pig in the yard with a wooden leg.
He asks the farmer, “Why your pig has a wooden leg.”
The farmer says, “It’s very natural that you asked, OK, one day I doing some thing at the barn and I felt a little tired. So I lied down to take a nap. Suddenly the barn caught fire. This pig came into the burning barn and pulled me out of the barn and saved my life.”
The salesman says, "Yes, I understand, that’s wonderful, but that doesn’t explain why he has a wooden leg.
The farmer says, “Well, a special pig like that you don’t eat all at once.”
WHAT TWENTY MINUTES
Two men in their mid fifties are talking to each other.
One says to the other, “Last night I made love to my wife three times.”
The other says, “Three times! How did you do that.”
First one says, “It’s easy I made love to my wife then I rolled over. Took a nap. Woke up after ten minutes. Made love to my wife again and took a nap and did it the third time and then went to sleep. The next day I woke up feeling like a bull.”
The other guy says, “I thing it’s worth a try.” And he does the same thing that night. He wakes up a little late in the morning. He rushes to the factory. He sees that the boss is standing right at the entrance.
He says to the boss, "Boss you gotta give me a bread I am only twenty minutes late.
The boss says, "What twenty minutes, where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday.
MY FATHER EATS LIGHT BULBS
A little boy is bragging about his father.
Hs says to his friend, "You know what, my father eats light bulbs. Last night I passed my parents bedroom and heard my father say, “Honey, turn off the light I will eat it.”
PICKLE SLICER
A man working in a pickle factory has an urge to stick his penis into pickle slicer. Some times he is barely able to contain it. He is so much worried about it that he goes to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist tell him that he had a similar kind of patient who wanted to put his hand on a hot stove he took my advice and put his hand on the stove and burned himself. But he never had that kind of desire again.
Psychiatrist says to the pickle slicer, "If you have a desire to put your penis into the pickle slicer, just follow your impulse and do it. When pickle slicer comes to the doctor for next appointment
The doctor asks, "What happened, did you do that.
The man says, “Yes, I did.”
The doctor says, “Then what happened.”
The man says, “Well, me and the pickle slicer both got fired.”
IN ONE SHOT
A man is showing his new high-powered sight gun to his friend. The friend goes to the window to see how powerful the sight is. he sees that across the street on the street his wife is making love to a man.
He says, “I don’t know any thing about guns so you gotta do me a favor, shoot that man in the balls and my wife in the head.”
The man takes the gun from his friend and looking through the sight he says, “I think, I can do this in one shot.”
USE THE CAMEL
There is a new commander of the base, and the captain is showing him around.
The commander points to a building and asks, “What is that blue building for.”
The captain says, “Sir, as you know that there are no women around, so whenever the men feel the need of a woman they go there and use the camel.”
The captain says with disgust, “OK that’s enough.”
After a few weeks the commander has an urge for woman. After the midnight the commander goes into the building. He finds that there is a very cute camel standing and also there is a step stool. He get on the step stool behind the camel and starts having sex with him. Right at that moment the captain enters the building look at the commander and says, "Why don’t you use the camel like other men to go to town and find woman.
TIE
Q: Why did the Polish man return his tie.
A: It was too tight.
COCK A DOODLE DO
Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A: The rooster says, “Cock a doodle do” and a prostitute says, “Any cock will do.”
I WILL SHIT ON THEIR HEADS
Statues of a man and a woman are standing in a park. One day an angel comes down and tells them, “I am now going to give you fifteen minutes to be real human being to do whatever you want.”
Suddenly the two statues become flesh and blood. And , they run off behind some bushes. After ten minutes the man and woman come out from behind the bushes.
The angel says, “Your time is not up yet, you still have five minutes more.”
They run back behind the bushes, the woman says to the man, “Okay, this time you hold the pigeons and I will shit on their heads!”
LAUNDRY
Two women are hanging laundry in their backyards.
On says to the other, “Sophie, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out.”
Sophie says, “Well, when I wake up in the morning, I look over at saul. if his penis is hanging over his right log, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. if his penis is hanging over his lift leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”
Her friend asks, “What if he has an erection?”
Sophie says, “Honey on a day like that you don’t do the laundry.”
LIFESAVER
Q: What a Lifesaver do that a man can’t do?
A: Come in five different color.
QUATRO SINKO
Q: What do you call four Mexicans drowning?
A: Quatro Sinko.
MARTIANS
A flying saucer lands on a farm. Farmer and his wife see Martian man and woman coming out of the saucer. They invite Martians to have dinner with them. After dinner they decide to switch partners for the night. As the Martian man takes off his pants the farmer’s wife looks down and sees that his phallus is extremely small.
She says, “What are you gonna do with that.”
Martian says, “Wait a minute.” And starts twisting his ears. Suddenly his penis becomes foot and a half long. And then they proceed to have sex.
The next morning the Martians leave
The farmer asks, “How was your experience.”
The wife says, “It was great, the best sex I have ever had! How was yours.”
The farmer says, “It was kind of weird. All night long kept playing with my ears.”
STRANDED ON AN ISLAND
Three men are stranded on a desert island. One of them finds a lamp and rubs it, and a genie appears. The genie says, "Normally, I give three wishes to a person who finds the lamp. But since there are three of you, I will give you each one wish.
The Englishman says, “I wanna go back to London in my favorite pub and drink with my friends.”
And he disappears.
The Frenchman says, “I wanna be back in Paris in a nice little restaurant with a bottle of good wine and a beautiful woman by my side.” And he disappears.
The Polish guy says, “I can’t think about of anything, I wish those other guys were here to help me out.”
TWENTY FIVE INCHES
An American black man, an Italian, and a Japanese man are sitting at a bar drinking together. At one point the bartender comes over to them. “You know,” he says, “I’ll bet a hundred dollars that there isn’t twenty-five inches of dick among the three of you.”
Black guy’s dick was measured it was twelve inches. Italian’s dick was twelve inches too. Then they measured Japanese it was exactly one inch.
The black guy says to Italian guy, "Since, you and me have twelve inch each about half the amount we needed, so we should divide between me and you.
The Japanese guy says, “To tell you the truth, I should get the whole hundred, because if had not the hard on, we wouldn’t have won at all!”
FIRST BLOW JOB
A guy goes into a bar and twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up twelve shot glasses and fills them up with whiskey. The man downs them all one after another.
The bartender then asks, “What are you celebrating.”
The man says, “I am celebrating my first blow job.”
The bartender gives him one more shot and says, “In that case this one is on me.”
The man says, “No! I don’t want that, if twelve could not take the taste out of my mouth nothing will.”
SEEING EYE DOG
A blind man is with his Seeing Eye dog. Both of them are standing at the corner and waiting for lights to change. The dog lifts his leg and pisses on blind mans legs. Then blind man reaches his pocket and gives the dog a biscuit.
Another man who is standing next to the blind man could not resist asking.
So he asks the blind man, “Excuse me, sir, but I just saw that your dog pissed on your leg. And then I saw you give him a dog biscuit!”
The blind man says, “I know that. I was just trying to find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the ass!”
CLOCKS
A man died and went to heaven. He saw a large wall with hundreds of clocks on it. But the clocks had only minutes hands.
He asked an angel, “what’s the purpose of these clocks.”
The angel said, “We use them to keep track of how often people masturbate of earth.”
The man noticed that under each clock there was a little nameplate.
He said to the angel, “I don’t see my friend Faisal’s clock here.”
The angel said, “They keep that over in the office. They are using it for a fan.”
FLEA
A flea was sunbathing on the beach. He saw his friend Bevis on the beach all beat up.
He said, “Hay Bevis, what happened to you.”
Bevis said, "I was coming to Florida, I decided to hitch hike. I saw a man going towards parking lot so I hopped on his mustache. I had no idea that he is riding down here on a motorcycle. The wind was blowing so bad that I had to hold for my dear life.
His friend said, "Next time when you plan to come over here, go to airport, get on a plane, go the toilet sit on a toilet seat and wait for the stewardess. Then jump up into her pubic hair. It’s gonna be a great ride. The next year that same flea is sitting on the beach catching the rays. This same flea Bevis shows up again all beat up. This flea said to Bevis, "I think you did not do it the way I told you last time.
Bevis said, “I did, but the next thing I knew, I was in this guy mustache on a motorcycle.”
ROOSTER
A farmer has a rooster. He used to brag about his rooster that he can hundred of chickens at a time. One day another farmer challenges him that his rooster can not fuck a thousand chickens, and they bet. A hundred chickens are put into the barn and the rooster starts screwing them. After he has screwed all hundred he lies down on the ground. Everyone thinks that the rooster died. The owner of the rooster gets very sad that because of stupidity he lost that great rooster.
He goes closer to the rooster and says, “I am sorry great rooster.”
The rooster opens one eye and says, “Shhh.” Then points upward and says, “Just wait they are getting lower.”
HORSE LAUGH CRY
A bartender puts his horse at the end of the bar and hangs a sign around his horse’s neck that said, "Make me laugh and win a $1000.. A lot of people tried but failed. One day a man comes, he goes to the horse and says something in his ear and the horse starts laughing. He wins a thousand dollars. Now the bartender hang a new sign around horse’s neck that says, "Make me cry and win a $1000. Same thing happens. A lot of people try, but again that same guy comes. He says, “I will have to take the horse out of the bar for one minute and then I will be right back.” The bartender says, “OK but don’t hit the horse.”
The guy takes the horse outside and comes back. The horse is crying. So he wins $1000 again The bartender says to the guy, “Before you go, can you tell me how did you do that.”
The guy says, "The first time when I came I told the horse in his ear that I have a bigger dick than yours. And this time I actually showed him.
The height of Ambition: A flea climbing up an elephant’s hind leg, with intent to commit rape!
The height of precaution: An old maid putting a condom on her candle.
A beautiful girl passed. One said “I feel like screwing that girl again.”
Other guy said, “You mean you screwed her before.”
First said, “No, but once before I felt like doing it.”
They were in bed and the guy demanded her to spread her thighs wider apart. She obliged, but still he demanded her: “Spread them a little wider. Oh, just a little wider.” Exasperated, she said to him: “What the hell are you trying to do, get your balls in?” “No,” he answered, “I’m trying to get them out.”
A guy was being examined by the draft board. The physician, looking over the penis for traces of venereal disease, pulled back the foreskin. Unable to decide he let it slip back, and pulled it forward again. Absentmindedly he was continuing this operation when the draftee interrupted. Excuse me sir, if you’re doing this for the government go right ahead. But if you are doing this for me, move just a little faster please."
As he was kissing her good-bye he got horny and asked her to have sex but she was not willing to do that a that moment. He tried his best but had no success so he said, "Well, I think I should leave now because there is no use three of us standing here then.
The two most useless things in the world are a man’s tits and Pope’s balls.
There is a old Andalusian proverb which goes like this way: Big woman, big cunt; little woman, all cunt!
The train ran into trouble and barely crawled along.
Harry dear, I’m afraid if the train doesn’t hurry up the intercourse season will be over.
Nonsense, what makes you think that. Intercourse doesn’t go by seasons.
Well, I heard a traveling man say that if the train didn’t get a move on the fucking season would be over.
Q. Why is a woman like a bank?
A. Because you lose all the interest when you withdraw.
He had cunt on his mind so much that regularly every month he had a nosebleed.
Dog’s idea of heaven: A mile of trees and a bellyful of piss.
The waitress in a restaurant determined to have fun with a customer who would study the menu every day, and then order ham and eggs. So one day she drew a line through his favorite dish, and when he started to read the menu she said to him, “Did you notice sir, I scratched something you like?” Without looking up the customer replied, “Go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs.”
A guy named bates introduces his family to president Lincoln, he says:
Permit me, Mr. President, to introduce my wife, Mrs. Bates. My young daughter, Miss Bates and my young son Master Bates.
A traveling man was riding through the country when his car broke down near a farm house. The farmer saw him and asked him to have dinner with him and have some rest. At the table one of the children brook wind. The traveler asked, “Do you allow your children to fart in before you.”
The farmer replied, “We have no rules about that, sometimes they do first sometimes I do.”
Judge asked the woman who was raped, “Did you scream for help.”
“Yes I did.” Said the woman.
“Did any one come.” Asked the prosecutor.
“Yes I did first then he did.” The victim replied.
Reporter: Okay, Tarzan, I know you were born in the jungle, so you have only one name. But what’s your son’s name?
Tarzan: Son’s name Boy.
Reporter: Okay, but your wife is from England. What’s her name.
Tarzan: Wife’s name Jane.
Reporter: I mean what’s Jane’s whole name?
Tarzan: Jane’s whole name Pussy!
What is six inches long, drives a woman crazy, and has a bald head on it?
A hundred-dollar bill.
What do women and airplane have in common?
Cockpits.
A woman was waiting for a bus she bought two bananas to eat while she waiting but as she finished first one she saw her bus coming so she put the banana in her jacket pocket. After a while she thought that the bus is crowded and banana could be smashed. So she held it with her hand.
After two or three stops a man tapped on her shoulder and said. "Excuse me, Miss, but you will have to let go now. I get off here.
Men and woman were lying on bed.
The man said, "I am sleeping now but during the night if you wanna have sex, just reach over and pull on my organ once or twice. On the other hand if you don’t feel like having sex, pull on it 40 or 50 times.
An old bull was still there in the field while the farmer turned loose a young bull in the field. The new bull started to fuck cows immediately. Seeing this the old bull began snorting and pawing the ground with his hoof.
The farmer said. "You are wasting your time, you are too old for that sort of thing now.
The bull said, "I am just trying to show that I am not a cow.
What’s the difference between love and herpes?
Herpes lasts forever.
In a train compartment there were only two guys, an American and an Englishman. The Englishman said to the American, “I had a cramp and there seems to be no restroom in this compartment so would you mind if I relieved myself here?” American said it’s OK and he did it on a newspaper and threw it out. In the mean while the American took a cigar out of his pocket and proceeded to light up. The Englishman said, “I am sorry sir but this is no smoking compartment.”
The witness in a rape case was giving his testimony:
“I saw the man lay down the girl, Judge and then he took out his prick…”
The Judge said, "Hold on, you can not say such a word in a Court of Justice. Say penis.
Witness says, “Well he took out his penis and struck it into her cunt.”
Judge says, "Hold on, are you so ignorant that you don’t know the proper words for these parts of the body say ‘vagina.’ The witness says, But Judge it was her cunt. The judge said, “Do as I say or I will hold you for contempt.” “What’s that” Asked the witness.
The Judge said, “That’s a technicality of the law about which you evidently know nothing.”
Witness said, “All right, Judge, in her vagina. And then he gave her a Chicago stroke.”
“The Chicago stroke, what’s that”
“That’s a technicality of fucking, Judge, about which you evidently know nothing.”
Oscar Wilde in his search for a bedmate approached a cockney youth in the slums of London and asked him to come to his room with him. "All right, guv’ner, said the cockney. "But before we goes I wants to know ‘oo does to ‘oo and ‘oo pays?’
Three fellow were brought before a judge for minor offenses. The magistrate asked one how he felt.
“I feel very bad sir.” Said he.
“Thirty days to feel better in.” Said the judge.
“I feel fine.” Said the second.
“Sixty days to think over what you have done.” Said the judge.
“I feel like a bride on her first night.” Said the third one.
“Why is that.” Asked the judge.
“I know I am gonna get it, but I don’t know how long it will be!”
Here lies the body of Mary May Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot;
For 18 yr. She kept her virginity,
A damn long time for this vicinity.
One old man said, “It takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.”
If you want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a wire saying, “Ignore first wire.”
Another way to drive a guy crazy: Send him a fax and on top put “Page 2”
You know what’s embarrassing? When you look through a keyhole and you see another eye.
All you married men, want to drive your wives crazy? When you go home, don’t talk in your sleep— just smile.
A panhandler said to me, “Mister, I haven’t tasted food for a week.”
I said, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
He came home from school the other day, he said, “Mother, I had a fight with another kid—he called me a sissy.”
She said, “What did you do?”
He said, “Ihit him with my purse.”
A drunk walked into court. The judge said, "My good man, you have been brought here for drinking.
The drunk said, “All right, judge, lets get started.”
One fellow put a gun in my back. He said, “Stick ‘em up.”
I said, “Stick what up?”
He said, “Don’t mix me up—this is my first job.”
I miss my wife’s cooking as often as I can.
What good is happiness? It can’t buy you money.
I saved a girl by being raped last night. I controlled myself.
The meanest thing you can do to a woman is to lock her in room with a thousand hats and no mirror.
There’s a parallel between a Martini and a woman’s breasts: One is not enough; two are too many.
Doctor looked at a weak baby and asked the nurse, “What’s the matter with this little fellow.”
The nurse said, “He’s one of those artificial insemination babies, and I,m afraid he’s been coming along rather slowly.”
The doctor said, "Confirms a pet theory of mine, spare the rod and spoil the child.
It’s easy to lie with a straight face, but it’s nicer to lie with a curved body.
Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face of a girl with a forty-inch bust.
As soon as women have a drink or two, they start looking for a chaser.
There’s a secret method for returning from Las Vagas with a small fortune. Go with a large fortune.
It’s hard to keep a good girl down, but lots of fun trying.
Girls who think they will hate themselves in the morning should learn to sleep till noon.
The traveling salesman asked the farmer to put him up for the night. The farmer said, “Sure, but you will have to sleep with my son.”
Salesman said, “Good Lord, I’m in a wrong joke.”
A woman calls the police station and says that the ape from the Circus escaped, and its on my roof. So a cop comes with a guy who will handle the situation.
The guy is carrying a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun and he has a very mean looking dog.
The guy says to the cop, "I will go up on the roof and make some kind of disturbance, and try to scare him off the roof, when the ape falls let the dog go he will bite his nuts off. The ape will be in such a terrible pain that you can just walk up to him and handcuff him. And don’t forget one thing if I fall off the roof just shoot that fucking dog.
What’s worse than a lobster on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck her.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
When the boy turned 18 his father took him to a whore house and told him to ask whore for 69. The boy goes in and asks for 69. As they both are in 69 position, she farts. She gets up and opens the window, waves the odor out of the room, and then close the window. She comes back over to the bed and begins to mount the boy again. As she is about to lower her pussy to his face, she farts again. She gets up and as she is going to open the window she sees the boy is getting dressed.
She asks, “Where are you going sweetheart.”
The boy says, “If you are thinking that I am going to sit through 67 more you are crazy.”
George says to Louie, "I don’t know what to do during the sex me and my wife don’t come at the same time.
Louie says, "Do what I do, keep a shotgun under your pillow and when you fell that you are about to come, fire a shot. It works like a charm.
George says, "I think that I should give that a try.
The same night Louie gets a call from George’s wife, telling him that George is in the hospital and he was asking for you.
Louie goes to the hospital, George is lying on the bed.
Louie asks, “What happened to you.”
George says, "You are not gonna believe that. I did what you said, you know, with the shotgun. Jessica said lets 69, so we 69. I pulled out the gun and fired a shot. And you know what happened.
Louie asks, “What happened.”
George says, "She did bite the tip of my cock off, and farted in my face.
Man: If I don’t sell more houses this year I’m gonna lose my ass.
Hooker: If I don’t sell more ass this year I’m gonna lose my house.
A man walks into a doctor’s office and asks the doctor if it is possible for him to get a larger penis.
Doctor says, "Offcourse, but you will need a transplant.
Man says, “That sounds okay to me; let me see what have you got.”
So the doctor goes into the storeroom and brings a 6 inch penis.
Man asks, “Do you have anything larger.”
The doctor brings a nine inch penis but the man asks for more larger if it is possible. The doctor then brings a 12 inch penis and lays it on the desk.
The man says, "This one is perfect but do you have one in white.