So my cousin lives in Pakistan and will be moving to canada after getting married in a months time ..
The inlaws are all based in Pakistan … she and her family are getting worried about the jahez … some people are telling them that since the girl will be moving to canada , the parents should just give her the money so that she can buy her own things when she and her husband buy a house in canada …
whilst other people are telling her that the inlaws may not like it that she has brought nothing , people will talk etc etc …
please can you guys tell me what the norm is in such situations … Communication with the husband and etc etc is not the point at the moment , I just need to know what some of you girls did in this situation …
Although the question was supposed to be answered by girls but I thought about adding my two cents.. I think either your cousin should be given cash or better still her parents can talk to her in laws to be and thrash this out.. Don't see why there should be a problem in asking those folks
i mean all tehse ppl who will "talk" are they going to pay for teh shipping/cargo? Are they going to set it up? no, then they should shut up. Or at least the bride/her family should stop giving ppls "talks" such importance.
gahhhhh!!!!! ppl will talk if u dont give her and ppl wil talk if u give her alot. ppl r ppl cant change them. i dont think they shud listen to ppl and do wat they think is best for them.
shes making her home not any1 else's so no1 else have any right to speak in her personal matter. i think its time when our ppl need to learn not to poke our noses in every1 else's bussiness.
does her in lawsn have nay probelm with her jst bringing cash? if not then she shudnt worry.
yeah i totally agree with you guys , specially you sara , thats what I have been telling her that if there are issues about jahez , wether its the money or the stuff .. then there is a problem !
When I got married and moved to the USA, my mother gave us money instead of a Jahaiz. With that money, we bought an used car, a bed, microwave, dishes, cutlery, pots n pans...basically the entire home. My mother in law packed some bedsheets and decorative sheets so I appeased her by taking that stuff with me. That also came in handy and though we didnt have a fully furnished house, we had all the basic stuff necessary to be comfortable. My hubbys family gave nothing except our tickets so if your cousins dulha walay also give money instead of bari, she will be completely set and have things that are more practical.
I much rather preferred the money to the furniture etc..one typically gets in a jahaiz. Parents start acculumating stuff from the time the children are small and a lot of stuff begins to look outdates or unusable when the time comes for the marriage. I also dont suggest making too many kaamwalay shalwar kameezes unless she is moving to a large desi community.
And a word of warning about shipping...it cost so much money and riswat to get a container out of Karachi that unless you have a lot of valuable or sentimental stuff, it really isnt worth it in my opinion. We were given such a runaround when we were moving back to the State and though we tried our best to avoid the rishwat, we found out that they billed the riswat amount (40,000 rupees, which was apparently a bargain because our agent knew the customs agent and got it reduced from 1 lakh!).
wild , thanks for that very valuable advice , I think its a great idea for the boys parents to give the money as well in bari instead of spending on all those clothes and stuff .. I will definitely pass this wonderful idea to her .
yeah currently one of the issues she is facing is the shipping cost ! she really has collected all this stuff and got them all packed specially really heavy crockery sets that her mom had bought for her years ago ! and now the shipping cost is actually higher then the actual stuff ! so she is now thinking to leave the things behind and take them one by one on her visits later in the years !
I just find jahez wrong. I mean if the girl's parents or the girl willingly wants to bring stuff with her to her new place, that's fine. But an actual expectation from in-laws that the girl will be bringing things like a bedroom set, kitchen appliances and what not, is just wrong! Why does the girl have to bring such stuff?????? I mean if she is moving to her in-laws place, don't they have kitchen appliances already? And if the girl is moving to her own place with her husband, then they buy the stuff together after the wedding like responsible adults.......I just find the whole concept demeaning.....the parents are giving you their daughter! Why is that not enough?
yeah august you are so right ... but in Pakistan , it seems it is expected of a DIL to bring the jahez ! and its so hard to find the rishta's in todays time that parents literally give in to this "cultural thing" .... but inshallah wth changing times this will change to .. i hope
I think YES!
I think we all know that Islamically speaking it is a husband's responsibility to provide for his wife, and I believe this includes the bed they sleep on and the pots she uses to cook for him and his family.
Now as to what the thread was about, I agree that it would be insane to ship all the jahez from Pakistan. It is much smarter and wiser to buy everything here, since you wont know the room size or details about your house and furniture back home is different then here. I think they should seriously think about the money option. InshAllah everything works out well for your cousin!
well that is what happened when i got married....moved to usa abt 6 months after marriage. the only thing i brought with me were my clthes. my mamoon and father in law told my mother not to make anything too. and we were able to use all jahez money in usa. even though my phoopis told my mum that she should have made jahez!!!!
i tell u it wud have rotten in pakistan and i wud never have seen it.
but i agree jahez is a burden on parents. in islam all things come from husband ....thats why in saudia men cannot get married bcz girls father demand 300,000 riyals or so to sell their daughters. we humans are so good at buisness.
I am actually in the same situation as your cousin, Chicken biryani! Inshallah im getting married in khi in dec and moving to canada rite after as my fiance and his family are all settled there. So from the begining we really didnt think abt the regular 'jahez' stuff, u noe like the electronics, crockery etc... I think my parents and in-laws all agree on giving me money, since shipping costs a ton...and then i would be able to buy/use the money on whatever is neccessary..be it household stuff or even chipping in for a house. Seems pretty reasonable to me...
My mom tho, she's still making clothes for me, and that even not a lot...cause we travel alot...we noe its not easy to lug things around esp with the weight requirements on aircrafts soo low! According to her, inshallah we can always get more clothes made later =)
yes guys , thanks so much , it really helps .. the thing is for my own wedding I have opted for no jahez , my parents can give me the money if they wish to. Similarly no bari from the boys end.
however cousin told me that people are already starting to talk about things like , what are the boys relatives gonna say etc etc ... and so my cousin got more confused about this situation thinking wether she should do what i am doing or not!
now that majority of you have advised the same as my advise to her , I will have her read it so she feels comfortable with the idea... people will talk no matter what one does ... so we should conveniently ignore them.
^ Hopefully her inlaws are good, decent people and will be thrilled to welcome her into their family, regardless of whether she brings any pots and pans with her!!!
To me it makes sense for her to just bring her clothes, jewlery, personal items..etc...not furniture, dishes, appliances, decorations etc...unless they are things she really wants and doesnt think she will find here. Her parents shouldnt feel obliged to send her with all those things just to impress her inlaws. If they want to gift her something, cash would probably be easiest and most convenient, or they can order things online and have them shipped directly to her new home. But bottom line for me is, doesnt matter what they give, as long as they give from their own happiness, heart and their own "marzi", should never be just to impress people or stop them from talking about you!!
well one of my cousin got married and moved to Canada. her parents gave her alot of jewelry and clothes and gifts to her in laws and that was it. because her inlaw family lives in Canada whats the point of giving all that jahaz for. and my aunti didnt care what would her inlaws say. In your situation the inlaws them self should have said that there is no need but if they didnt then they shouldnt be worried about it, just give the girls whatever they want to and thats it.