Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
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Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents…
Well at this age, we may think that. But when most of us will get some (average is 4.7) children in Pak, after marriage. We may have to put all our savings on their education and other growth factors, and yet we’ll want them to have a better life and future. Then we may have to make many sort of compromises for them as well. Like if my son wanted to be an artist, I may advise or force him to be a politician, since politicians earns a lot more and spend a good life…Marriage is one such compromise we may make. Sometimes just to keep family attached together(so they can help each other when required) or some times just to get some benefits attached to the marriage.
Similarly when our parents (or grand parents) were at our age, then they must also have thought that:
I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN TO MY CHILDREN..
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
umer, so many marriages gets ruined because "they wanted to keep the family attached" .. marriage is not about just making others happy it is suppose to be a selfish act that makes you and your partner happy coz both of you are going to live together and face problem and no one else from that family will give a damn!
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
pretty messy stuff...
u know, in an idealistic world, it would seem that marriage is between two people who love one another.. but really its not. Speaking from experience that is..
I hope ur bro can speak to ur dad sooner rather than later.. maybe even try talking to the cousin...
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
to me the solution is my bro talking to her.. coz that is the only way he can be certain in rejecting or accepting..
sadzzz i knw kay it is a relationship between families too but you have to admit if you were to live with someone whom you don't love and leave the person you love you that bring happiness to the whole family?
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
oh no, im not saying he should marry the girl he doesnt love. Im just saying, that marriage always ends up being a family affair.
I reckon he should talk to the girl too.. maybe she can help him out
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
Ansoon, now that your brother is already engaged, what is it that seems to be troubling him? Does he have someone else in mind? What are the grounds based on which he isn't satisfied?
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents…
Hmm
Well I did not said that marriages arranged just to keep family attached always have success. I just said that some times our parents or grand parents have some difficulties in refusing such marriages, which we could not understand at the time being, but when we will reach their age and have to marry our kids we will have a better idea of these problems.
Now I have noted, that you love (care) a lot of your brother. Now if after 20-30 years you and yur brother have some kids, and your brother wishes that let’s marry our kids and your kids are not intersted in it at all. What will you do then??? You go to keep your brother happy or you go for your kids…
As for the ratio of success, I read several articles and have obsereved this in my surroundings too. The ratio of failure in Pakistan is the highest in LOVE marriages. Arranged marriages (all sort of) have a much much better success ratio. The reason for this is that almost in all areas of Pakistan, we used to live in close-attached family situations. Your partner may be well caring for you, but it is not necessary that he/she will also accept your surroundings as well. This only results in…:kaboom: 
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents…
Umer my priorities are well defined.. if my brother asks me if i want to marry my kids with his.. it all depends on the kids.. if my kid says no, then its a no, whether he likes it or not! See there is no reason for him to get upset on it, coz i don’t want his kid to sufer because my kid will be forced into the marriage… its just that simple.. what i don’t understand is that these parents/grandparents decide such rishta’s when the kids are like 5 yrs old!! how do they know that its the best for the kids? I mean ppl change, they might not like what their parents like.. and vice versa..
anyhow… i can fully back my claim that love marriages last as much as arranged marriages.. its just the families that can ruin it not the love itself.. the inlaws are the ones sometimes who screw it.. and a great marriages depends on loving inlaws and loving couples.. ofcourse everyone has to make a sacrifice…
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
Well
You have good thinking about your kids and your brother at the time. Now imagine this. After 20-30 years of life, having spent most of your savings on your kids and have yet to marry them all. Your brother might be facing the same difficulties at that time. Every one of us know well how difficult it is these days to find good partner, after 20-30 years life will be more busier and difficult (as it is becoming each and every day). At that time you maight have thinking but since you have seen enough of life and people, you might not behave as you think. I have personally seen such cases, where parents have always let their kids know that you are free in selecting your partner, but when time comes, the very same parents let their kids know of their problems and request them to do accordingly.
As of your brother, your grand-parent might be very near to end his life when he/she might have took that decission. The reason behind this is just PURE LOVE. Your grand-parent(s) must have loved your brother too much and they must also have loved the other girl as well. So they might have initiated the Rishta talks thus. When a person is at this stage, i.e. he/she knows that death is very near, he tries his best to please all those bveloved ones. No girl could love your brother more than your parents and grand-parents love or had loved him. But it is not necessary that your brother must marry that girl. He must be free to choose whatever he wants, and if he wants so, then just talk with your parents first. If he goes and talks directly with the girl and say her that I am not going to marry you since I love some one else, then imagine how that girl can take this.
Well love marriages have a very high ratio of failures, not in Pakistan but every where on this planet. But the very few successfull love marriages are the best ones in terms of realtionship and caring each other.
Here are some thoughts I put somewhere else on this forum but fit into this situation as well....
Love is never limited to humans dear. Even if you are in love with humans, there are many different scenarios. For instance you may love your brother or sister, or mom or dad or a friend,....Falling in love with some person of opposite sex is JUST one case out of many and this love may lead to marriage as well. If it was a true love initiated and appretiated by both victims (male and female), then it will always grow with time. However if this love story was initiated with some impurities in it (wealth, feel-look-different, just to impress some one else, just to reject some one else....) then it will always fail, whatever the situation will be.
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents…
Umer, it all sounds very nice and ideal, but if one of the parties isnt interested what is the likelihood of this marriage being successful. O mere maa piyo..eh mee naal ki kita tusi, kithay phass gaie main 
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents…
Well this is the reason why some of arranged marries fail. Cause kids have developed strong wills towards some one, but parents let them marry with some other. At the end, it is hard for one party or both to continue the relation. Keeping in mind that our parents, have spent at least twice as much life as we have spent, and they are very much superior to us when it comes in recognising good and bad persons, so if they select some one for us this means we might never find some one better than him/her by ourself.
Hmm. Now if some one fell in love and lead this to marriage despite all efforts from his parents, and after some time his/her partner escapes, then what???
If you read newspapers, every day you will find 2-3 such stories.
In our age, it is very easy to fall in love with some one who talks politely with us and shows some care towards us, then with time this relationship strengthens but since it can break up as quickly too. Just for example, many of your veryyyy best friends, that you might have thought at some time are caring the most for you, will not be among your company these days. Love, unless it is PURE and exceptional, is no exception thus.
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
umer i dont' think you have been in a relationship then.. i am not talking about flirting here or crush i mean relationship.. when you are at your most worst situation.. that partner holds on to you .. our parents are humans too and no matter how much life experience they have they might not be making the best decisions its a 50-50 chance.. even our own decisions are 50-50.. but umer you have to understand the fact that marriage is ultimately a contract between the guy and a girl not the guy and girls parents or guys parent with girl..
so parents have to respect kids decision since they are the ones who are going to make decision together and if both of them are not even connected at the smallest level then Allah khair karay..
I have been through a lot of situations that no one except me and my Allah knows.. hard times, tough times.. but no tougher than what other ppl might be going through .. but these experiences have shaped my thinking .. positive or negative.. but they have .. similarly our parents must have gone through time that changed their thinking positive or negative but doesn' mean that what happen to them will happen to us..
everyone should really take a step back and think about it.. marriage is an important step of life for everyone in both the families involved but more IMPORTANT FOR THE GUY AND GIRL marrying.. so please my only request to parents is to just ask their kids once.. if they agree to what parents want then that's great but if not try to figure out why.. instead of labelling them 'na-farma-bardar'
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents…
Well dear
Love marriages fail and so do arranged marriages. I just said arranged marriages have a much higher success rate than love marriages. The difference is not marginal but it is exponential. Similarly parents may be wrong in decissions, but if we compare our bad decissions against theirs then difference once again is exponential.
As for the experience, our parents have been through marriages, and in most cases with success rates of over 90% for over 30+ years. How much of us have ever managed to live with some one for over some years??? So our parents know it much better than us when it comes to qualities required for having a successful and ever-lasting relationship.
As for the love I have seen relationships spanning over 3,4 years, leading to marriage and then just breaking after some bad talks and now no one is interested in having it started once again. What is the fault of the kids that have born as result of such relationships???
If our parents or any one manages to keep marriage for all his/her life and thus giving kids all the support and benefits, then this is true LOVE…
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
Yeah this is typical desi thing but grandparents can't decide everything for his/her granddaughter/son. They have also make their own desicion.
I would never say that to my daughter or son i want that if they going married they married happly not being forced in to a marriage.
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
Well if desis should not behave like desis, then how should they behave like? If you or me or any one else is a Desi, then accept the fact with heart, spend your life like a true Desi and try to feel proud of it......
Each society has its own way of living. In West for most of the people there is no one to care for them once they are in their teens. I have stayed and studied among them, still I have a lot of close friends in touch too. For all these people life has totally different meaning than for us. They have to work after 14-18 years if they want to study or even live, then they have to choose their partners by themselves, otherwise there will be no one asking them for marriage. In their quest of searching a true love, they live for months (if not for years) together and after many tries, finally got engaged or married just to break it up after some years.
Now, for instance, if I or some other guy place an offer, that I am interested in finding my beloved one, how many girls here will actually agree to have RELATIONSHIP with me or him before marriage (ohh the desi girls again)......In West almost all such incidants of finding true love involve deep relationshiop too (Again I am excluding Desis residing there).
So instead of standing on the bridge, it is better to select one side that suites the most.
Just to end:
Like no one can imagine Michael Jackson to be married on his grandpa's wish since he has spent his life like a Westerner and in the West too, similarly in desis and particularly those residing in their homeland, it is very strange to have love marriage.
There is nothing wrong with either love marriage or arranged marriage. But these are just different ways of doing the same thing in distinct environments.
Re: it was a wish from your grand-parents...
Well Ansoon,
Seem I have become a villain on this thread. I am neither a supporter of arranged marriage nor against love marriages. Love marriages are not common in our society, so it is hard for at least the old people to accept it, thus it creates unsolvable problems some time. In your situation you have to solve the engagement issue as well, so it complicates things a bit more.
With your brother in this situation, the best way is to start talking with your parents first. Try to convince them with points you and your brother have. They will definitely ask you that what the girl and her family will think, then let them know they will not think as bad as they will think if after the marriage your brother fails to love and care her.
These talks might take weeks or months, but try to keep it going and discuss it as much as possible, and try to discuss in a pleasant environment. Even if your mom or dad shows attitude, try to be calm. Never try to be very straight. Discuss and try to prove your point while not proving your parents wrong as well. For instance never say you have made a mistake by engaging me at such a young age, instead use other words like I feel myself more attracted to this girl, and she can care for me more or she can make my life more happier.
Never give up, keep on discussing, with little luck you might succeeed. The only way to make a marriage successful is the situation that is well acceptable for the kids and for their parents. Either this situation comes as result of love or some arrangements.
Just don't let your parents suffer or feel ignored with your decissions.
Once you can let your parents agreed, try to clear all things with the engaged girl as well. Let her know clearly that there was nothing wrong with her, but just your brother feel more relaxed when he thinks of the other girl as his wife.
If you and your brother win this discussion, then it is well and good and I wish best of luck to your brother and his bride in advance.