I was in a very short marriage that I ended many years ago. Recently I’ve started looking to get married again. I’ve come across many people but no one I wanted to pursue a relationship with until now.
We get on really well, have similar personality’s, values and backgrounds. He keeps telling me that he is ‘falling for me’ and indeed it is reciprocated. He is very family oriented and an only son. He confessed to me that although he has no issue with me being divorced, he isn’t sure how his parents will feel. So we decided that before things get more complicated he will have a chat with his elder sister who has a prominent role within his family. He hypothetically posed the question and his sister reaction was very much that it something his family would be very against. He feels that it’s better to go our separate ways as he would never be able to choose and as time goes on emotionally things will get far worse. I want us to give it ago because I feel that perhaps it’s something his parents will accept if he tries hard enough. I do not want him to choose me over them, but how can he know for sure if it isn’t something he has directly raised with them. We’re both professionals in our early 30’s if that has a bearing. I have tried to keep my emotions out of this post - but yes I’m extremely distraught.
I’m also a divorcee and believe me I completely understand what you’re going through. It can’t hurt to ask him but… at the end of the day just try not to blame yourself if he walks away. Some people hold on to bad cultural ideas. Stigmatizing divorced women is one of them. Good luck to you and wishing you all the best.
All you can do is request him to speak directly with his parents and to do his best to convince them…(if you haven’t done so already). You can’t force him though.
Now if you HAVE already asked him to talk directly to his parents and he has made it clear that he’s given up…then to maintain your own self-respect…don’t push the matter any further. Just leave him be and go live your life. If he changes his mind, he knows how to reach you. But you shouldn’t be waiting for him.
If he doesn’t have the courage right now, then he may not have it later on …post-marriage…either. Falling in love, and all those pretty words, and hours of talking/meeting is the easy part. It’s all rendered empty if the other person won’t go the distance for you.
Sometimes families reject a girl just because she’s the choice of the guy. People at the helm of affairs in families are sometimes very immature despite their age. I don’t want to write a long post but in short I would say that it is best not to push his family because they will dig their feet further, rather convince them gradually. Let him do the convincing. He can tell his family how someone known is better than someone unknown. And how he will not blame them if the marriage went bad. Of course the convincing has to be genuine and he should address if his family has some genuine concerns.
I know of a case when the guy’s family was stubborn so the girl picked up the phone and called his sister. It all started with pleasantries but ended with the girl cursing the guy’s sister and her daughters. The girl got married to the guy but in most cases that would not have happened so be careful if you decide to do the convincing yourself.
How old is this guy and is he fresh off the boat? I don’t see why it’s a big deal unless you have kids then that’s understandable otherwise the guy needs to man up and tell his parents, also his sister is being kinda sexist cause she never knows what the future holds and could end up in your situation.
If he doesn’t have the courage to speak up and talk to his parents about you, I would walk away now. Some people just know what their parents are like, they know they won’t be able to get what they want without putting up a fight/causing drama, and it’s okay to not want to complicate ones life like that. But that should show you the importance he has for you in his life.
I think he’s wrong for leading you on in the first place. When I got married to my husband I knew my parents would make an issue, but I was mentally prepared to fight till the bitter end if I had to. It wasn’t easy, but I got them to agree. If he doesn’t have the guts to do that, he honestly isn’t worth your time.
I am not talking from the angle of a divorcee or something, but as someone who tried her best to be with someone for four years, and failed - let me tell you something: RV is absolutely correct. Love is a hollow word with no meaning attached to it, if the other person won’t go the distance. Love is nice and all, but it should be backed by struggle, reasoning, sacrifice, and support etc. If they’re a family that won’t accept a divorcee, you need to be mentally prepared to detach yourself and follow through with severance at the end of the day.
You need to either ask him to man up and broach the topic with his parents directly, so he gets a definitive answer. The kind of answer you’ll get back will tell you whether trying and latching on to the hope of ‘things will work out one day’, is gonna work or not.
Or, you need to distance yourself, and follow through on what he has already told you - both of you go your separate ways, because if there is deep emotional attachment, it ****ing hurts. Don’t have any sort of hope, tell him that he needs to man up and talk to his parents, and then get busy with your own life. If he wants you in his life and truly is falling for you, he will make the effort. Put the ball in his court.
DON’T YOU DARE GO THROUGH THIS OR DO THE HARD WORK ALL ON YOUR OWN. At the end of the day, if you guys end up together, it is going to be a shared life. You are not adopting him or something. He’s an adult and he needs to pull his weight around, in order to make this thing work if he wants to. If he isn’t able to, or doesn’t want to, you know where you stand in his life & when you need to exit it. Also like someone else said, if he isn’t capable of standing up for you in front of his parents right now, what will happen even if you two do end up getting married. He will be a coward and a dummy in front of his family.
Such men who know before hand that family won’t approve and they don’t have any guts to stand up to the family either but still rail a girl in are beyond pathetic so would you want to be with such a guy anyways?
Don’t bother with this guy. A guy who wants to marry you will marry you no matter what. If he is not willing to make an effort and is telling you its better to go your seperate ways then he isn’t worth your time. I tried for 3 years with a guy and it ended in heartbreak. Men like this are absolute cowards. And think about it… do you really want to be with a momma’s boy?
If you two are similar ages, and neither have any kids then i don’t see the problem here. Why his family would oppose? is it because her hymen is broken? thats ridiculous. Two adults in early 30s, and supposedly in love with each other should know better.
As it has been said before, ask him to talk to his parents directly. I would also give him a timeline to do this (one week or two weeks max!). In that time, don’t keep contact with him. And then after the deadline, you will know where you stand. And if it’s a no, best to move on and cut off all contact. Good luck!