We are a very close family in pakistan. all chachoos and phupoos are very close.
we have lived out of pakistan for more than 15 years and first 10 years we never had any contact with our cousins and only parents did.
few years back on our trip to pakistan we developed gud relationships/friendship with our cousins and family members. we (now i am talking only about me and my sis) never had any issues with any one.
two years back we realized that all of cousins are typically backstabbing cousins we wants to be in every one’s eyes and will do anything for it. they will spread lies about each others to achieve goals. for example one set of cousins who are richer than others all have BFs and go out with them but will spread to relatives that other set of cousins do. their issue can start them being richer and other being poorer them than.
they tried to involve me little sis in it too, so we reduced our contacts with them to the extent of only Hello Hi’s. now we go to pakistan more often than before. they would have issue that i dont get my hair permanent straightened as i am poor(i have hair thinning issue so didnt wanted to get straightened) or i dont buy designer clothes:teary1:. its non of their business if i have money or not but they had issue. (i wanted to tell them that money their father has is earned by my dad and other chachoo who respectfully gave to their brother as he was older in the family. he ended up have his properties and bank balance and never did any thing for others in return; but could say this to them)
last time when we went we tried to have minimum stay with them and stay away from their gossip/backstabbing issues.
we feel so isolated when we go or in our family forum. they all are the same and they backstab each others(they know that too). but then how can we have contact with them when they have no genuine respect for others and do all sort of things.
most of family members are on FB and twitter and infact we are totally isolated as are not in anyone’s party.
i dont know how to deal with this issues??/ anyone with great ideas??
I'd rather spend my time alone, or with my sister, or watching tv/reading a book/cooking/talking to the elders/on the computer.........than with two-faced relos. And I do avoid them when possible......and that keeps me sane. I don't desire their company. The next time you go to Pak...take your books/lap top with you...occupy yourself with different activities. Avoid them as much as possible. And if you HAVE to be with them....then try changing the subject when they start backbiting or give an indirect hint that it isn't right. Most of the time I ignore and stay quiet when I receive snide remarks from relos....who believe they should be silently tolerated just because they're older than you, lol. But a couple of times I've put them in their place...and that was sorta fun too.
thanks redvelvet. i can not put people into their place even if i want to. we have to stay with them and we try to ignore their activities. but it gets annoying after a while as you cant just read a book or use laptop all the times.
i have major family issues on both my nanyaal and dadyaal--a combo of my uncles/aunts being lazy as hell and mooching off my dad, them asking for my rishtas and then being rejected, greediness--and so I wasn't involved with them at all. Now things have gotten better with a khala so we keep in touch with only them (her sons and daughters are all married). Though we're "involved" I make it a point to come across as the "American" kid that doesn't understand/like/get involved in family politics. The more involved you seem (ie: listening to their gossip, picking sids, etc) the more you're gonna get sucked in. Just keep it at a point where you say salam/happy birthday/eid mubarak and whatnot.
thanks redvelvet. i can not put people into their place even if i want to. we have to stay with them and we try to ignore their activities. but it gets annoying after a while as you cant just read a book or use laptop all the times.
is it worth staying isolated?
I am all for being direct with a person....it doesn't have to be done in a mean way. I've used this approach and it has worked for me sometimes. The next time they make fun of your hairstyle and comment about money.....kindly tell them that your hair/makeup/clothing reflects your personal preference and is not a money issue....that Allah ka shukar you're grateful for what you have and wish well for others. Or if they start backstabbing another cousin in front of you......change the conversation, or say something good about that person, or try to make them see things from a different angle, or tell them "Nobody's perfect...and talking about another's mistakes behind their backs is not going to help us in any way. It's only a gunnah, let's talk about something else." There's nothing rude about that. I feel that so many times we avoid being direct (which can be done nicely) and end up playing games or tolerating crap and feeling more frustrated than before. I've found that people who behave in this way....can feel encouraged by the silence. Sometimes if you call them on the behavior....it can sort of make them think twice before repeating the mistake.
i have major family issues on both my nanyaal and dadyaal--a combo of my uncles/aunts being lazy as hell and mooching off my dad, them asking for my rishtas and then being rejected, greediness--and so I wasn't involved with them at all. Now things have gotten better with a khala so we keep in touch with only them (her sons and daughters are all married). Though we're "involved" I make it a point to come across as the "American" kid that doesn't understand/like/get involved in family politics. The more involved you seem (ie: listening to their gossip, picking sids, etc) the more you're gonna get sucked in. Just keep it at a point where you say salam/happy birthday/eid mubarak and whatnot.
My nanyaal side is better and infact no issue there. but we hardly stay with them.
my sist got stuck so much with their politics infact they played perfect game with her and than they told whole khandan about it. she was only 15 and had no ideas of it till i heard and called her and than she knew wat had happened.
i dont want to hate anyone or them. but this issue with my sis made me hate them so much.
Very well said. i have this issue that i can not confront people or tell them back. i can hate them or love them but can not say to them...i endup think how will they take or wat will happen if i say this or that.
I am all for being direct with a person....it doesn't have to be done in a mean way. I've used this approach and it has worked for me sometimes. The next time they make fun of your hairstyle and comment about money.....kindly tell them that your hair/makeup/clothing reflects your personal preference and is not a money issue....that Allah ka shukar you're grateful for what you have and wish well for others. Or if they start backstabbing another cousin in front of you......change the conversation, or say something good about that person, or try to make them see things from a different angle, or tell them "Nobody's perfect...and talking about another's mistakes behind their backs is not going to help us in any way. It's only a gunnah, let's talk about something else." There's nothing rude about that. I feel that so many times we avoid being direct (which can be done nicely) and end up playing games or tolerating crap and feeling more frustrated than before. I've found that people who behave in this way....can feel encouraged by the silence. Sometimes if you call them on the behavior....it can sort of make them think twice before repeating the mistake.
The more involved you seem (ie: listening to their gossip, picking sids, etc) the more you're gonna get sucked in. Just keep it at a point where you say salam/happy birthday/eid mubarak and whatnot.
^Agree!
With backstabbing cousins....you don't wanna share details about your personal life about them. If they can talk bad about others...they can talk bad about you. I would also avoid giving them any opinions that are less than positive about ANY other member in the family. If one of your cousins starts talking bad about another cousin......don't give any negative opinions....she may go and tell the other cousins. Sometimes people like this are actively searching for things that they can use against you to portray you in a bad light. Don't share details with them that you know they can manipulate. Keep a polite distance...greet them...compliment when you feel like it...wish them well.
With backstabbing cousins....you don't wanna share details about your personal life about them. If they can talk bad about others...they can talk bad about you. I would also avoid giving them any opinions that are less than positive about ANY other member in the family. If one of your cousins starts talking bad about another cousin......don't give any negative opinions....she may go and tell the other cousins. Sometimes people like this are actively searching for things that they can use against you to portray you in a bad light. Don't share details with them that you know they can manipulate. Keep a polite distance...greet them...compliment when you feel like it...wish them well.
^agreed. I've been burned by my cousins a few times so I learned it the hard way. I had a cousin that was very two faced on my mom's side. He befriened my sister and I, got our email addresses and then started hitting on me. When I finally told him to stop...he went and told my other cousins that I was madly in love with him, thus causing one of the biggest scandals of my life (it was all untrue). So I make it a point to maintain minimal contact. I've learned that rather than being direct (sadly my cousins in Pak don't respond/understand such honesty), you just have to be diplomatic. No need to be rude but no need to pour your heart out to them either.
Do you only have a problem with them when you visit? Or do they nitpick/make fun of you becuase theyre friends with you on fb/ you guys talk online? If that's the case, just limit what they can/can't see.
I have main issue when we go back. they are on my fb bt we dont communicate.
also even though they are in pakistan, they find out everything we do. and they would make comments/ issue about it and some times get elders family members to interfere.
they are rich but none of them got good education or did anything useful in their life. we might not be rich as they are but MA me and my sibblings all have gud education and careers. and they can not digest this.
How is picking faults in them going to help matters? I think you're overthinking things. You're making them seem like some extreme darnay wali cheez. Why even give them that importance? Okay, so they'll pass comments about you.....can you stop them? No. You have no control over them. The only thing you CAN do is control how much you want to reveal to them...and how you choose to react to them. You can either let them have enough power over you that they ruin your vacation.....or you can choose to find ways to have a good time and not stoop to their level. The choice is yours.
If you cannot play the same game , then stay away from them.
Do you feel a void in your life without any interaction with them ? If not then go on your marry way and enjoy life.
It is better to have a couple of good friends than having a whole tubber of jackals .
My cousins are just like that except the rich-poor thing....they actually try their best to find something to talk about and then spread rumours about us
now when i totally ignore them, theyre like "shes too proud and arrogant".....so no matter what u do, nolifer cousins will always talk bulls*it about u :)
just like someone said before, take your laptop with you, try to sit with the elders, or try to concentrate on your shopping etc. and just ignore them
:)
why do u even talk to cousins when you have friends?
i talk to my cousins cuz they arent as much back stabbing but i am very careful around them.We never know u know?
