So a family we know has 2 daughters and a son.. The two daughters married white guys who converted to Islam early on and both men were practising, prayed namaaz etc (the family itself isn’t particularly religious but do the ‘basics’) and had also immersed themselves in desi culture. Despite this their mum found it hard to accept but the marriages went ahead anyway (btw mixed marriages are v.common in our circle, about 50% of the girls we know go this way so the common excuse of ‘ppl will talk’ doesn’t apply so much here as prob at least one of their own kids has already/will also do the same)..
The girls had their weddings in little restaurants, no engagement parties, no mehndis or anything and when I say restaurant I mean the absolute cheapest places the parents could prob get away with.. The son married a desi girl and had the total opposite - huge engagement party, huge mehndi and super expensive wedding in one of the most exclusive venues in the country.. So were the parents justified in treating the siblings so differently? Can you sympathise with them or do you think they were callous in their actions? My dad told me the girls were furious and have to admit I would prob be the same..
if those girls actually made those white guys revert and be practising Muslims, they are IA going to get a great reward for that.
And I think it was not just of the parents at all. They should have celebrated those weddings the same way as they did for their son. Just because the white guys the daughters ended up marrying weren't the parents choice and were 'different' shoudnt be a reason to deprive them of having the wedding they wanted.
But I guess the parents showed displeasure through this way. I would be more supportive of a daughter who decides to marry a practising recently converted Muslim white guy rather than show pleasure for a long time Muslim boyfriend who is into bad habits too :)
But then again we don't know the level at which the parents are thinking
Were the parents judtified? No.
Were they callous in their actions? No.
The parents chose to be selfish and put their own feelings/needs before that of their children.
However, knowing the parents.....were the girls really surprised that they behaved this way? Most situations I know where things like this happen.....the girls and/or guys are upset....BUT knowing their parents....they're not "surprised" at the behavior itself.
But we all know that there are double standards with desi's. If the son was to marry a white girl, I'm quite sure he would have got a huge reception. Whereas, if the girl married a white man who was a practising Muslim, even then, the girl wouldn't get the same kind of event as the son.
However, the parents usually do this to show they are unhappy with the situation. So, if any issues were to arise out of the marriage at a later date, the society wouldn't point any fingers at the parents. This is what I've noticed anyway.
Were the parents judtified? No.
Were they callous in their actions? No.
The parents chose to be selfish and put their own feelings/needs before that of their children.
However, knowing the parents.....were the girls really surprised that they behaved this way? Most situations I know where things like this happen.....the girls and/or guys are upset....BUT knowing their parents....they're not "surprised" at the behavior itself.
Yeah, don't think they were surprised but still must have hurt like hell.. Part of me thinks the brother should have toned down his own wedding a bit.. Seems quite disrespectful from his end as well imo
How much did the girls contribute to their own weddings financially and how much did the son? What level of effort was being put in to the weddings from the white husband's families and considering their mindset were they seeking a low key wedding anyway? The family the boy married into did they want a big marriage, if they did then the disparity could have been to serve their interests not necessarily make a difference between their daughters and their son.
The cost of the wedding may have been high in the case of the boy, but then he would not be given the jewelry by his parents, the jewelry would take a lot of cost up for the girls ... What was the total price of the weddings and what was the purchasing capabilities of the parents at their times or marriage? Consider inflation! or lucky good deals ... next how much walk away money did the girls get and how much the boy?
It's not all about favouritism there are many factors to consider.
Yeah, don't think they were surprised but still must have hurt like hell.. Part of me thinks the brother should have toned down his own wedding a bit.. Seems quite disrespectful from his end as well imo
1) The girls choose to marry the men they loved knowing full-well that the parents would not approve. They made this decision as an adult. Obviously to them the marriage/husbands were worth "upsetting" the parents. Yes, I'm sure that they were very hurt. However, since this was expected......I honestly don't think they have any right to complain. The girls choose to go ahead with the marriage and the parents choose to show their agitation by not throwing a lavish wedding.
2) As for the brother.....no, I don't think he did anything wrong. Why should the brother (and his future wife) sacrifice their "dream" wedding? Just b/c the parents and the sisters have issues? How is that fair to the brother's wife? Although I'm curious.....did the parents pay for the brother's shaadi(and not the brother's wife's parents)? Or by "lavish wedding", are you refeerring to the walima?
I think this whole things with desis expecting "sacrifices" from everyone is what leads to so much drama. We want to do what makes us happy....but then we expect others to agree with us. As the saying goes.....you can't have your cake and eat it too. In situations where someone knows that the family isn't happy with a decision....but they choose to go ahead with it anyway......part of that also involves letting go of the expectation that the family will "sacrifice" and pretend to be happy (when they're really not).
Webmister, Why would they be furious about him marrying a desi girl?
Regarding the new wife of the boy I'm referring to she has no dad, just her mum and several siblings.. They are v.well-off tho, money is no object to them.. Father died just a couple of years ago and this child was the oldest and first to marry.. It was a love marriage.. Their mehndi was literally double the price of most ppl's weddings so obviously the disparity between the siblings was even more obvious.. From what I understand** both** sides contributed a similar amount, it wasn't a case of her side paying more and asking for their parties to be a bit more fun + lavish. Me personally I wouldn't have the heart to have a flash wedding knowing my brother had to make do with a rubbish one..
The girls did want the typical big fat desi weddings that we're all used to and as both grooms were totally into desi culture I guess they wouldn't have been against it (both their families were happy with the marriages, they all turned up, congratulated the couple, mingled with the new inlaws etc. whilst girl's mum was there grudgingly)..
Also forgot to mention despite the boy and his wife being the most financially well-off (by a long way, his wife makes six figures already tho he himself earns an average salary) the two girls were expected to leave home straight away whilst he stayed behind even tho his parents are still young-ish, still working and independent.. I think he may have moved out as well now tho, not too sure.. I remember the younger sister telling me she could barely even afford furniture whilst brother was putting his feet up at home with their mum and dad, no bills nothing.. In our circle it's not common for the kids to stay with parents after marriage either unless there's a need so I suppose she saw it as rubbing more salt into the wounds.. So much bitterness and resentment :(
1) The girls choose to marry the men they loved knowing full-well that the parents would not approve. They made this decision as an adult. Obviously to them the marriage/husbands were worth "upsetting" the parents. Yes, I'm sure that they were very hurt. However, since this was expected......I honestly don't think they have any right to complain. The girls choose to go ahead with the marriage and the parents choose to show their agitation by not throwing a lavish wedding.
I agree with this 100%. There are repercussions for a person's actions - if they have the courage to do as they please, then they need to accept that others may not approve of their actions. None of us can compel another to agree with us or to do as we please.
I think this whole things with desis expecting "sacrifices" from everyone is what leads to so much drama. We want to do what makes us happy....but then we expect others to agree with us. As the saying goes.....you can't have your cake and eat it too. In situations where someone knows that the family isn't happy with a decision....but they choose to go ahead with it anyway......part of that also involves letting go of the expectation that the family will "sacrifice" and pretend to be happy (when they're really not).
I don't think they wanted mum to pretend to be happy, perhaps they were thinking she might genuinely come round for the sake of their relationship.. or that even after these problems deep down she would still care enough to treat them the same..
Yeah, don't think they were surprised but still must have hurt like hell.. Part of me thinks the brother should have toned down his own wedding a bit.. Seems quite disrespectful from his end as well imo
Why?
They married who they wanted to marry, why should they tone down their wedding for someone else's issues?
Webmister, Why would they be furious about him marrying a desi girl?
Regarding the new wife of the boy I'm referring to she has no dad, just her mum and several siblings.. They are v.well-off tho, money is no object to them.. Father died just a couple of years ago and this child was the oldest and first to marry.. It was a love marriage.. Their mehndi was literally double the price of most ppl's weddings so obviously the disparity between the siblings was even more obvious.. From what I understand** both** sides contributed a similar amount, it wasn't a case of her side paying more and asking for their parties to be a bit more fun + lavish. Me personally I wouldn't have the heart to have a flash wedding knowing my brother had to make do with a rubbish one..
The girls did want the typical big fat desi weddings that we're all used to and as both grooms were totally into desi culture I guess they wouldn't have been against it (both their families were happy with the marriages, they all turned up, congratulated the couple, mingled with the new inlaws etc. whilst girl's mum was there grudgingly)..
Also forgot to mention despite the boy and his wife being the most financially well-off (by a long way, his wife makes six figures already tho he himself earns an average salary) the two girls were expected to leave home straight away whilst he stayed behind even tho his parents are still young-ish, still working and independent.. I think he may have moved out as well now tho, not too sure.. I remember the younger sister telling me she could barely even afford furniture whilst brother was putting his feet up at home with their mum and dad, no bills nothing.. In our circle it's not common for the kids to stay with parents after marriage either unless there's a need so I suppose she saw it as rubbing more salt into the wounds.. So much bitterness and resentment :(
So....why didn't they have a big wedding? Were they not able to afford it, the parents refused to help out?
If you put it this way....then it seems like the parents have issues with the daughters besides the gora husbands.
^Parents refused to help out (my dad said it was more their mum pushing their dad not to) but the more I think about it the more it seems to me there might be more issues between the mother and daughters..
I know the brother shouldn't have had to tone down his own wedding but like I said if it was me I wouldn't want to hurt one of my siblings by enjoying something they weren't able to.. Yeah, they married white men but the likelihood is if he'd married a white girl he would have prob still had something half-decent imo..
probably because there girls, and married white men. 2 reasons. so many parents i see, only spend this much on their son, and its its an only son-even more.
secondly ive seen lots of people marry non-muslims but the conversion is only a name on the card- as in recently my friend sadia married a sikh called gurdeep, on the weddingcard his name was gadiel..or something. but this conversion was only for her side of family to show he was a muslim.
they otherwise lead a very very non-muslim lifestyle.
Who cares? Why would you be hung up on how "exclusive" your wedding was? Isn't the relationship what's important here? They married guys of their own choice and I am assuming living happily ever after. That's a huge blessing right there. Wonder how many brides in miserable marriages would want to trade their "lavish" weddings for a happier marriage?
Lets look at the big picture here and not be so petty.
Who cares? Why would you be hung up on how "exclusive" your wedding was? Isn't the relationship what's important here? They married guys of their own choice and I am assuming living happily ever after. That's a huge blessing right there. Wonder how many brides in miserable marriages would want to trade their "lavish" weddings for a happier marriage?
Lets look at the big picture here and not be so petty.
THIS!
A wedding is a party, a marriage is a life. I know what I would choose.
If the mom was the one pushing the dad not to help out......then it seems she still isn't over the grudge that she has toward them for marrying outside their ethnicity. And who knows? It may not stop at just that. The parents might celebrate in a bigger way when the sons have kids as opposed to when their daugthers. One set of grandkids might receive better treatment than the other.
Maybe I missed it ...but are the sons married to desi girls?