Is this normal?

[Iconoclast]

Re: Is this normal?

I dont know....I really feel for the guy. He probably truly is alot more liberal and while he's doing what his parents want him to do, he also has his own interests here, that being the simple desire to know who and what he's marrying. His intended is fighting against that and so are his parents so the poor guy is in a lose-lose situation here. It would be a little different if it were all brought into the open, both families decide that ok, they can meet under SOME supervision a couple of times before marriage. Then SHE can be happy that she's complied with her values and so can he - AND the family is happy too. But right now, he doesnt know what he's in for and he's quite rightly scared.

We can only know what is told by the thread starter. Without assuming anything, what she's getting is an attitude from the guy inspite that she has been nicely explaining to her that she cannot meet her. One can know a lot about person by talking regularly. And one can never know "enough" till they get married. It seems to me that guy has an attitude and needs to learn how to communicate and negotiate. Thats very important in a marriage.

[yourfriend]

Re: Is this normal?

I mean when you marry a** stranger** you're taking a huge** gamble** on the rest of your life

its equally true when you marry someone you know from YEARS

[saliina]

Re: Is this normal?

I kinda do agree with you with the whole him being annoyed bit. But It's not like I completely don't ttalk to him at all. I mean we have each other's phine nymbers. we talk on msn [not the biggest but still] and I have met him a few times before so It's not like I am completely blocking him from my life. Ofocurse, I am curious about who he is too, and want to know what I am getting myself into for the rest of my life and that's why I am open when we talk or do meet up with supervision of not parents but siblings or cousins. I feel that when we do meet up, we aren't really getting anywhere....:S and so I told him that meeting up without any family supervision seems wrong to me, not that meeting up altogether seems wrong...

I am just confused, as sometime I think that it may be my fault that I am holding back but engagement to me isn't an official thing, it can be breaken off at anytime. so I don't want to take any risks but at the same time I am not completely backing off, I talk to him..general talk...but no lovey dovey stufff..

I was just a little shocked when I got that reaction from him after the whole meeting up conversation....

Amber: hmm..please elaborate.

[Mamaof3]

Re: Is this normal?

ok, now we're cooking with oil here. Ok, so you 2 ARE allowed to talk and get to know each other. So whats the purpose of meeting on the sly? What type of "meet" does he want to plan? Is it going somewhere for coffee or meeting at his parents house when no one is home? You need to find out....I mean, are his intentions to have some cake before the party? If thats the case, he needs a good slap in the face.

[Ask99]

Re: Is this normal?

^^ True...and some kicks too:D

[amana]

Re: Is this normal?

I agree with several posters here, but I do think that the guy may not be all that keen on having a traditionally arranged marriage, and the way he is behaving may be out of frustration, but it's also very immature. How old is he? You should tell him that you will meet him with his parents permission and with family present. It has become much easier for people to walk away from a marriage, and he probably wants to make sure that you are right for him before the wedding. I think that's a reasonable request.

If you are very conservative and he is not, there is the very real possiblity that you may not be compatible. There is also the possibility that this is the way he behaves when he doesn't get his way under all circumstances, and that he could become emotionally abusive once you are married. Either way, it's much better to learn this while you are still engaged and before marriage.

[_pyari_sii_bachi]

Re: Is this normal?

^^ right on! lol

[bunnyhoney]

Re: Is this normal?

Absa - freakin' lootly...

^ yeah u should really not beat around the bush and tell him straight up that you'd go out with him as long as your families approve of it. and u never know what might happen next.. if u meet up w/ him and his family finds out.. they could totally hold YOU the scapegoat for luring their son into private meetings before marriage and what not...

[Mrs_Saieen]

Re: Is this normal?

Yes, I quite agree, and I really dont understand some of the responses here from the gals who are coming down on this guy....are you gals married? Probably not.

Yes Mama I am married and I stand by what I said....visiting wasnt an option (since he lives in another country anyway), but we were allowed to talk to each other (tho it was more like, dont ask dont tell at that point)... my husband never gave me crap for a single thing before we got married (and after, Alhamdulillah), so i'm not saying this out of naivete. basically he respects me and he respects the decisions that I and my family make... this guy doesnt seem to be doing that...

[quote]
At least this guy is being honest. I mean, he COULD just smile and say yeah ok honey. Then put a completely different face on once the marriage is done. You never know you know? I mean when you marry a stranger you're taking a huge gamble on the rest of your life.

[/quote]

Marriage itsself is a gamble, no matter if you've known the guy forever or if you never talk to them....I do believe that fate plays a part in all of this, not a particular amount but just that fate/destiny IS involved.. Another thing, people do change after marriage.... I do find it hard to believe that someone does a 180 the second they marry, unless they are bipolar or another mental disorder.... WHat happens after marriage is that the guards are let down and we can be ourselves around each other...and that includes all the not so nice aspects.... I do admit that things were totally different when we were engaged and they're diff now but allll relationships change, and evolve, into somethng better than what was there before...

[quote]
Thats what is bothering this guy and yes I know thats a western way of thinking, I'm western myself so thats why I'm kind of defending him. I understand what he's going thru, it seems he wants to please his parents but also wants to know his intended and that he'd be able to have a happy life with her.

[/quote]

If he was so "liberal" and "free", he'd respect her decision, no?
I suspect if he had absolutely NO idea of what she was like, he wouldn't've agreed to even getting engaged....

[quote]
The gals who are coming down on him - I'd like to ask you, are you going to "meet" your husband AFTER you marry him (by that I mean TALK with him)? What if your goals, desires, wants, needs etc are polar? What if he has a TRUE personality that you cannot stand? Formal parent shaadi type meetings are fine but do you really think that you see the REAL and true person? And is spending the rest of your life with someone you never really met a gamble you're willing to take?
[/quote]

Again, marriage itsself is a gamble..it doesnt matter how long you've known them, the only time you can truly know someone is if you live with them and even THEN those marriages end in divorce more often than marriages where the couple did not live together before being married. And if anything, if he does turn out to be such a horrible guy, or she's an evil witch, there's always divorce...i'm not sayin gthat's the solution to everything but rather the final final final final option when every other resource has been exhausted and both parties have no other choice but to part....

if the situation were different, that both of them want to meet, but their parents are against it, then I would agree with your replies..but the fact is that the thread starter was pointing out his attitude, rather than asking for judgements on what she has deemed important to herself (to not meet him)...

[Aish]

Re: Is this normal?

Nah I dont think you should ever go into a relationship thinking, "theres always divorce." Do you feel comfortable with him alone? I mean is there more to talk about over the phone/msn?

[Croquet]

Re: Is this normal?

that reminds me, to get myself out of wedding jitters i always clutched to "there's always divorce" mantra. Must say helped me get rid of nerves. :D

[chacha_Ghalib]

Re: Is this normal?

@saliina

I am holding back but engagement to me isn’t an official thing, it can be breaken off at anytime. so I don’t want to take any risks but at the same time I am not completely backing off, I talk to him..general talk…but no lovey dovey stufff..

.

thats really wise :k:

[Mrs_Saieen]

Re: Is this normal?

that reminds me, to get myself out of wedding jitters i always clutched to "there's always divorce" mantra. Must say helped me get rid of nerves. :D

\well obviously no real , sane person ever really goes in thinking "eh ill divorce him in a few years"...but in really bad cases, it is the only option left is it not?

[farishta2]

Re: Is this normal?

@Mrs_Saieen

Well… technically tehy have no relationship..their relationship won’t begin until they’re married. I know it suonds crazy but it’s true. THe engagement period is VERY fragile… the slightest thing between the families and it can break. If she meets him w/o letting any of them know, HIS family might take it the wrong way and blame her, fight wiht her family, and there ya go the engagement is off…

But whatever his feelings/ideas/thoughts are, he has absolutely no right to be mean and sarcastic towards her. If he were really so “liberal” as opposed to “conservative”, he’d respect her feelings and just wait , instead of being a jerk..

hayeee sara, kafi samajhdaar ho gai ho shadi ke baad se i totally agree with you.

[Croquet]

Re: Is this normal?

\well obviously no real , sane person ever really goes in thinking "eh ill divorce him in a few years"...but in really bad cases, it is the only option left is it not?

thats a positive take on my upbeat thinking :D

[Mrs_Saieen]

Re: Is this normal?

@Croquet

thats a positive take on my upbeat thinking

Yeah.. i dnot know why ppl are so anal over it

[queenbee2007]

Re: Is this normal?

i pretty much agree w. everything mamaof3 had to say....but one quetion....what kind of meeting does he mean...as the others said? just to talk and get to know each other ....not more right? cuz if its just to talk..u cant blame the guy...he wants to know if ur compatible for him..after all u will be marreid for a very long time....

if he has other bad intentions then thats another thing....
but appears hes frustrated and perhaps feels that u dont even care for him but talking to him only on msn or phone and not in person...id be offended that someone didnt wnat to see me. so hes prob just acting out on that end.

arent u a little more curious??? u sure u want to marry him when u dont know much about him? is that wise? i mean talking for a bit over coffee is not a bad thing! its not like ur doing something horrible!

if after all this....still thers an argument...u guys obviously have different morals/values and ideas about life and will not be compatible later on....