my cosuisn lil issue not mine, ( she lives with her MIL)
OK, bascially cousin got recently married and in the next few days, ( shes in pak now), her MIL came into her room and told her that there was blood on the bedsheets and that in future before she just chucks into the servants washing up area, that she should atleast wash alittle bit herself bfirst, because its not nice for them to clean that…she said her MIL said it nicely but she felt patronised, i said maybe u feel this as what she saw was embarrasing thats why u felt this way.
also she said that she wakes up to try and make sehri, ( they are all keeping the rozey they missed) and her sister in law and mil ARE already making it, and she feels like they are freezing her out, she tries to help, but they say nahii tum jakey bhet jao na…( she feels as if later they may complain that she deosnt do anything, although this is an assumption)
I dont think they are being rude…infact its a nice gesture that they are not letting her do the work as she is newly wed…about the sheets…actually she should have checked the sheets before sending them for laundary…her MIL is nice…its her responsibility to bring this into her notice…so i guess she should not get offended over such petty issues
I don’t see an issue. I agree with the bedsheet thing, she should have done that anyway. But yes, as you have said she probably feels that way because she was embarrased more than anything else.
Maybe they don’t want her to help, as they want to pamper her for a bit if she has just got married. Maybe she should just chat to them and keep them company, so if they don’t want her actually doing anything, she still feels part of it.
Was she actually complaining and feeling upset or was she just trying to get opinions?
In regards to the bedsheet thing, was this the first time she had done it (given the sheets to be cleaned just like that) or has it been very constant? Does she always clean the sheets and this time was just an accident?
Either way, if the MIL really did say it nicely and in private then she didnt’ do anything wrong…its okay for her to feel embarrassed but hey…these things happen.
for the second thing, let me be the devil’s advocate…There are some women really are like that, they insist that you don’t help out or something and hten later use it against you or complain… and maybe that’s why she was upset about it…
^Agree. We have to keep in mind that neither the OP nor any of us were there to witness the MIL/SIL’s body language or their tone of voice. “Nahii tum ja ke bhet jao na” could have been said with good intentions as in that they they want the girl (since she just got married) to relax and take it easy. OR…it could even be said in a way as if to indirectly imply “Rehnay do, we don’t need your help cuz you won’t be able to do the task.” It’s said that most of our communication is done non-verbally. Maybe the body language was less than friendly. Or maybe the MIL and SIL were tired/sleepy and just wanted to get sehri over and done with…some people are not morning people.
And there are people who will tell you that they don’t need help and then will hold it against you later on. I’ve seen that happen (even among people that are not in-laws) and so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that the newly wed bahu feels a bit doubtful or apprehensive about things.
As for the first situation, it was tacful of the MIL to discuss the matter of the sheets privately with her as opposed to embarrassing her before the servants or family members. But (as Sara said, to play devil’s advocate) even though the MIL addressed the issue privately…we didn’t hear the tone, we didn’t see the manner in which the issue was discussed.
It’s hard to say with 100% confidence what is going on when you weren’t there to see it.
^Again, since it wasn’t witnessed, it’s hard to determine the intentions behind the comments that were made. Even the bahu who witnessed everything, could be interpreting her MIL and SIL incorrectly. Really the only advice that can be given is for her to try and make the effort to get along with her in-laws, help out, be patient, and to pick and choose her battles wisely.
Bedsheets: i think the MIL said this in a ver nice way. to be honest she shouldnt feel at all patronsed…she is her mother (you know what i mean) how many times does a mother ‘tell off’ her daughter. this wasnt even her telling her off. she kindly pointed it out to her. i’m sure it was more awkward for her than ur cousin
Work: shes a new bahu in the house. some in laws are genuinely nice people. they prob dont want to launch her straight into the sehri routine. as it is just the ones they are catching up on cos the missed.
To me it seems they are just all settling in together and getting to know each other. Please tell your cousin not to assume the worst they may just genuinely be nice. they deserve the benefit of the doubt
If she can’t help with the cooking, she can always set the table, take out glasses of water, whatever else might be needed, so she is involved.
If she continues to look for issues, she will find/create them. If she takes a nice gesture at face value, accepts it, and moves on, she will be much better off.
