Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

Lifestyle Relationships
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When its a love marriage, the two involved end up knowing more about each other than in an arranged marriage, but still is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much?

What kinds of things are important to talk about? And what should you just leave/set aside for after?

Im an extremely awkward person and the guy I got a rishta from is shy too, so I feel like our conversations are going no where. Shouldn’t the important stuff at least be discussed first?

But then again in the time of our parents, there was no such thing as having a mental or (even physical for that matter) connection right off the bat. It took after marriage for feelings and love develop.

I’m just confused in general. No feelings, no nothing. How do you even begin to find common ground with someone?

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

not able to have conversations = bad sign. communicasan is merrige number 1 need. or you be always kung fu fyting.

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

who cares .. look u dont even need to do anything n ur getting married .. look at bipasha .. she spent 10 years on him n he doesnt marry her .. they probably talked their hearts out n still no go .. be hapy lol

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

Bipasha :wub:

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

im engaged i would suggest u no matter how much u know him or her but after marriage its different life becoz having communication on phn or internet or text or mails .. but living with that person is different INSHALLAH after marriage u both will know about each other dont worry .. for now u can ask him his hobbies , what he likes and dislike , what food he likes ,any games or movie if he watch ..

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

ask his ideal life, financial status, religious affiliations and tendency, future plan, view of life, hobbies, likes, dislikes etc etc.

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

Clever people keep their guard on and do not share more than necessary especially before marriage. Actually its good even after the marriage not to let your guard slip about certain things IMHO.

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

i think it depends on how long you have known the person for and i think both arranged and love marriages have their ups and downs. when you have known someone for years and there has been a chance for the relationship to develop i think you learn a lot more about a person and how they will be after marriage, the expectations and realities of both of your situtations. but everyone is different ofcourse, that doesnt mean complete strangers cant hit it off. personally i could never marry anyone on the basis of just knowing what their hobbies and fav movies are, it sounds so strange to me to not know more about the real person. its just unpractical, but i know its not uncommon. my family doesnt do blind engagements, theres always a period of time where the two get to know each other first before the engagement and before the famillies proceed with the rishta. if it doesnt work, everyone moves on and if it does, well then talks happen more seriously and move past the introductory stage.

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

i think also knowing how he reacts to serious situations, how quickly angry he can get or how understanding not uderstanding he is as a person to various scenarios on top of the financial and life plans stuff and how all those compare to your own. and vice vera. basically the type of mentality he/she holds, is he somebody that'll let you be as you are after marriage or does he have his own expectations for a wife and etc! thats important!!! not what his favorite movies are. so you both like the same movie? how does that help your marriage..

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

I think if you talk too seriously at times before marriage, it can be a let down post marriage. People can wax and wane about how they will be after marriage, and then be totally different post marriage and it won't be their fault. It is simply because marriage for them became a dynamic which they could not predict. Then their partners end up feeling depressed and state "You said you'd do this, but instead you are doing this"

Don't project ideas into your head or his about how life will be afterwards, cos you can never tell till you live together.

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

with arranged marriage, the whole idea is to make sure the couple match on the big things in life. i.e. outlook, morals and principles, goals in life, tabbiyat, financial status, family status, where you want to be in 10 years' time. These things are the fundamentals of a marriage, so if they match up that's the most crucial aspect. The rest such as getting to know each other's likes and dislikes, favourite food, hobbies etc, they'll all fall into place after marriage IMO. So no need to be building 'common ground' with your rishta, as when you're living together you will have the chance to do that.

The way I see it, it's much more important to be on the same page about e.g. whether or not you want to have kids, rather than e.g. whether or not you like pasta. These small things don't matter and you will learn about him when you are living together. Don't stress. The hard work's been done for you. Just wait til the marriage now :)

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

s and s if u r poiting toward my comments like i said movies etc so if u dont know all people dont like to share their what they want or how they spend their life after marriage and sorry if we start to ask about fianicial things what the other person thinks .. i m just saying u cant judge people by these until unless u live with him or her after mariage becoz its easy for now to meet and understand etc but it takes time to understnd becoz u will live with him or her whole life so just trust on ALLAH and your parents and all will be go smoothly as you want

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

i agree that living with someone is completely different than just talking to them, thats why i think even arranged rishtas need to be given time. situations reveal themselves slowly, and although talking to someone and getting his views on serious matters is different than actually living with the person and seeing them in action, and cant always be predicted but there are surely red flags that come up. its up to people to assess practically not through cultural and religious pressures. you can usually get a good enough idea about a person through deeper conversations. it depends on the comfort level of the two people. most of the marriages around me are based on arranged marriages but where both people were given enough time to talk and understand one another and mashallah se so far that has lead to strong marriages and very little surprises about the person. marriage is always hard and situations and the atmosphere can always change but people usually dont and thats why i think its really important to take time and see things out. obviously thats more based on life in north america, i can understand that not always being an option for more conservative fammilies.

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

I do not think it is big problem, I have a friends son who was in Halal Relationship with the girl more then 5 years (now they getting married soon Inshallah).

He told me that he is happy that they took so much time, as it was a rollercoaster they have gone through good or bad, but end of up have better understanding about each others.

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

You cannot know each other until you start to live 24/7 under th same roof. Doesn't matter whether its love marriage or arranged...

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Re: Is there a such thing as getting to know each other too much before marriage?

Whether its love or arranged, I think there definitely needs to be a honest discussion regarding what both people's expectations are from the spouse. Does the guy have a problem with the way the girl currently dresses, if the girl wants to have a career is he ok with it, where does he plan on living permanently etc. If the girl wants to continue working after kids, would he be ok with that (ie. would he be ok with kids being in daycare or being watched by another family member if possible). How religious is he (ie. does he pray 5x/day and expect the same from his spouse etc.). Does he believe in helping out the wife with the housework at all or was he raised believing that the woman should do ALL the housework. Does he wants kids, how many, and how long after marriage (ie. kids asap OR wait a few years). More details about his career and future goals (and if the woman is career-minded, guy should also find out about her goals in terms of her career). Just a few examples but major things like this should be discussed first to make sure BOTH agree on the type of life they hope to have. Also ask him things about his family....what do they do during Eid....what are his parents's hobbies....what do they do for fun....favorite memories from his childhood/teen years etc. In my opinion, asking about general questions regarding his family and how he experienced life growing up can give LOTS of clues on what the future in-laws are truly like and what type of family life he's used to.

I also think it's a good thing to have a argument or two BEFORE the nikah. Married life is filled with little disagreements and frustrations. I think its a good thing if you get to see how the other person deals with frustration/anger, and a situation where he/she isn't getting what he/she wants. How a person resolves conflicts can make a big difference what life will be like after marriage.

You're right in saying that in time of our parents, this "getting to know each other" concept didn't really exist. Yet they all got married and stayed married. But here's the problem. You're ASSUMING that just b/c 2 people stay married and go through the motions of daily life, that means they're happy, and in love with each other. You need to remember that in time of our parents, divorce wasn't an option. Due to cultural pressure and lack of financial independence, women didn't have any other option than to continue living with the husband.....her feelings about him or the marriage really didn't matter. HUGE difference between being married and being HAPPILY married.

Do you have any friends? How did you find common ground with them? If you two aren't even able to have a basic conversation......in my humble opinion, that's a bad sign.

** I agree with the statements that you can not truly know someone until you live with them. And of course, peoples circumstances and views do change over time. But I think it's a good idea to have a base line of where his beliefs and expectations are. That way, if there is something major that you two disagree on from the very beginning.....then you have time to re-think the rishta and not get married with the assumption that he/she will change their mind afterwards.